10 Signs You Hired the Wrong Divorce Attorney for Your Custody Case
May 19, 2026Let me cut the shit. If you're reading this with a knot in your stomach because you already know your attorney is dogshit, congratulations, your gut is smarter than your wallet. I'm here to confirm every nasty thought you've had about Larry the Lawyer.
I'm dragging the 10 signs that you hired the absolute wrong attorney for your divorce and custody case. And before Larry crawls into my comments crying, no, this is NOT legal advice. I'm telling you to stop being a fucking doormat and ignoring every red flag because some Karen told you it'll "look bad" to switch attorneys mid-case.
You know who didn't care how it looked? Me. I switched OBs at eight months pregnant. I'm not about to lose my kids, my house, my retirement, or my goddamn mind because I was worried about how a judge feels about my legal team.
I'm going IN on the attorneys who ghost you for weeks while charging you for "case review." The ones who stroll into your hearing and call you by the wrong fucking name in front of the judge. The ones who push the same lazy, copy-paste parenting plan template on every client because if they actually wrote you a real one, you wouldn't be back in their office every six months bleeding more cash.
And the money? Oh, we're going there. If you handed Larry $10,000 and three months later it's vanished and nothing has happened on your case, somebody owes you an explanation. If your attorney is running a one-man circus where they're their own paralegal, secretary, billing department, and HR, you better be reading those itemized bills like your kids' future depends on it. Because spoiler, it does.
And the big one nobody has the balls to say out loud. If you feel intimidated, dismissed, or stupid every single time you talk to your own attorney, that is fucked up and I will not let you normalize it. Neither my attorney nor my dentist gets to make me feel like a piece of shit for asking a question about something I'm paying thousands of dollars for.
If even one of these 10 signs just punched you in the gut, this episode is for you. Sit your ass down, get a drink, get pissed, and let's fucking go.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:
- Communication is non-negotiable. If your attorney can't return a call or email in a reasonable timeframe, they don't get to keep your retainer.
- Preparation is the bare minimum. Your attorney should know your name, your case, and your strategy before they walk into that courtroom every single time.
- Custom beats template every damn time. Generic parenting plans are designed to bring you back as a paying client when they fall apart in two years.
- You deserve to know the strategy. Your name is on those orders, not your attorney's, so you better understand exactly what's being negotiated for your future.
- Rushed attorneys are red flag attorneys. If you're just a number on a billable hour calendar, you hired the wrong office.
- Conflict for conflict's sake costs you money. Attorneys who file motions for things that could have been handled with a simple email are bleeding your wallet on purpose.
The Truth Bombs
- "If my attorney is not giving me that energy that they're gonna go get those things, how it looks to a judge or my ex or co-counsel, I could give two fucks about."
- "How they prepare for the small hearings is how they're gonna prepare for the big ones."
- "Larry the Lawyer wants you to come back and give him money forever. The template is the trap."
- "Your name is the name at the end of the day. You are the one signing the judge's orders. Not your attorney."
- "I never leave an attorney without another attorney already in backup. I'm not selling my car till I already have a new one."
- "Vague parenting plans leave the door wide open for attorneys to be involved forever. It's a billion-dollar business every year."
- "Anyone can go get a law degree and pass. That doesn't make them a well-qualified attorney. That doesn't make them somebody who needs to represent my future."
- "I want the attorney that's gonna fight the living shit out of my ex. They shouldn't intimidate the shit outta me."
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Samantha Boss: All right. We're gonna go through what I consider to be the 10 signs that you may possibly have hired the wrong attorney. Now, first and foremost, let me just tell you, this is not legal advice. Don't watch this and be like, oh, I'm, running, I'm firing my attorney tomorrow. Whoa. Stop real quick. Okay.
Hiring the wrong attorney can cost you money, time, peace of mind, and sometimes your whole strategy. but I'm not here to tell you. I just want you to think about your attorney, your relationship, what's happening, and just use some of these as maybe examples to ask your circle of people, am I making the right choice?
So a lot of people stay with the wrong attorney way too long. Way, way, way too long because they feel stuck or this taboo thing where they think that they've been told that it looks bad to change attorneys. I don't know about you, but I don't know if looking bad is higher on my list than keeping my own kids or having the schedule that I want, or having the parenting plan that I want, or getting half of the assets, keeping the home, uh, keeping my retirement.
So if my attorney is not giving me that energy, that they're gonna go get those things, how it looks to a judge or my ex or co-counsel, I could give two fucks about. Okay, so you're not gonna hear me ever say, oh, keep an attorney because I don't want it to look bad. This is the girl that changed obs, eight months pregnant.
So you are not gonna hear me say stay because of appearance. All right? So let's break these down. We're gonna run through these pretty quickly. I don't wanna keep you too long. I know you're busy being a single parent, struggling through a divorce, but here we go.
When Your Attorney Goes MIA and Walks Into Court Clueless
Number one, they don't respond to you. Now you're hired this person and you paid them an ass load of money.
And they don't call you back. They don't. return phone calls. What emails go unanswered, like days and weeks go by. Communication is literally one of the critical, most important things for this relationship to work between client and attorney, because we don't have regular weekly meet and appointments, but we do have email and phone calls.
Which by the way, I would never just leave a voicemail. I would always follow up on email and say, Hey, you know, it is, uh, four 18 at one 20 in the afternoon, central time. I just left you a voicemail regarding these three things. I would like a phone call back by the end of business day, Friday at the latest on next steps.
Boom. but not calling you back, but again, this is something I asked in the interview process of what is the response time? What is their communication point of preference? Do you have their text, do you have email? Do you like, how do they communicate? Number two. They don't seem prepared at hearings, and I thought this one was like a once in a while type of case.
It's not. I have so many clients who call me after their status hearing or after a motion or a contempt hearing, and they're like, Sam, it's like, they didn't even know my name. It's like they were, I had one client who got represented. By their attorney and their attorney thought they were somebody else and represented a whole case.
That wasn't even my client's case. And at the end of it, she was like, what the fuck was that? And he was like, well, I don't know. You know Lindsay? And she was like, Lindsay, I'm fucking Rebecca. What are you talking about, Lindsey? And he was like, mortified. And he had got the files like switched. What the fuck?
It's kinda like that guy that just took off the wrong organ. Like, Hey, let's do a little pregame here and talk about left side or right side of the body. Which one are we starting on? Hey, let's talk about Lindsay or Rebecca. Which one do we have going on here? We have to make sure, and I know attorneys are busy.
I get it. We all are though. We're all busy. But you not doing what you said you were gonna do in a hearing and flipping and not, doing the strategy that we said. What the heck? Attorneys should know your case before you walk into the courtroom. So if you are not meeting at your attorney's office or in a room in the courthouse before your hearing, I don't care if it's a small little status hearing, I don't care if it's a little, small, little motion or a small little.
Don't make them think that it's a small thing. I'll just meet you there and we'll walk right in together. Uhuh, uh uh. You go back out to that little, small little room right outside the courtroom and you make them open the file, you make sure they have the right file. You ask them what again are, did we determine what again, did we agree to?
What again are you going to push for me? What again are you gonna strategize for? Don't let them act like small little hearings are just something that they can walk into and handle, right? So you make sure, but if they're walking in and not prepared. Adios because how they prepare for the small hearings is how they're gonna prepare for the big ones.
The Template Trap and the "Trust Me" BS
All right, number three. They push generic parenting plan templates, and this one is why attorneys hate my guts is because I'm saying make a custom parenting plan. Make a detailed parenting plan, make a detailed parenting plan that ages up with your children. And again, you guys, I wouldn't have a business if this didn't work.
People are using them, people are getting them approved by judges, attorney's offices are using them. I'm giving attorneys permission to use my plan. This is a thing, but the attorney that just wants to push the template with no customization, no strategy is a Larry, the lawyer that wants you to come back and give them money forever, sorry.
It is what it is. The templates are gonna create problems down the road and Larry knows that, and he wants you to buy into it so that you keep his lights on. That's what that is. So any attorney that's pushing those generic things and saying, oh, it is just a template. every couple uses it. The couple before you with the same two kids.
No, it's not the same two kids. It's not 'cause my kid has a DHD and the other kid has, uh, medical condition. So unless those two kids had the exact same thing, this is not the same parenting plan. So why am I using a template that that family used on my family? It's not the same. Number four, they don't explain their strategy.
They say things like, trust me. I've had a case like this before. Have you the exact same case? Oh, you've divorced somebody that has a, personality disorder. You've divorced somebody that's a single parent, you've divorced somebody that has three children, two of which were from a donor egg. Like there's so much difference in each case.
Don't let somebody say, oh, I've had a case just like this, the exact same case, Larry. I doubt it, but when they don't explain their strategy to you. Why this is your future that they're bargaining on, that they're talking for, that they're negotiating. You need to know what the risks are. You need to know what decisions they're leading with.
Are they gonna try to get you sole decision making or are they walking in with joint? Why do you not know that they can't keep stuff from you? This is your case. Your name is the name at the end of the day, here's the thing that nobody really talks about. You are the one signing. You are the one signing the judge's orders.
Not your attorney, their signatures nowhere on this guys, but they act like they are the end all, be all. And what they say goes, no, my ass is the one that'll be in trouble in the future. My ass is the one that has to follow this plan. My ass is the one that has to pay that money, not your ass. So how about I understand everything, but a lot of attorneys don't wanna talk to you.
They don't wanna dumb it down or they don't wanna waste the time. Hence why my job is important to educate you.
Rushed Phone Calls, Soap Opera Letters, and Getting Steamrolled
All right, number five. They're always rushing you. Well, I have a meeting to get to, well, I have court to get to. Uh, hey, I only got like five minutes to talk to you. That's an attorney that's in it for the wrong reason.
And maybe you are taking on too many clients and maybe you are that fucking busy. That probably shouldn't have been the office that I picked because I wanted to have my handheld, I wanted to have some care and some attention, and I wanna have some patients. So any attorney that's rushing you around and makes you feel like you're not important or dismissing you or just putting you awful lot or like, hurry up rush, dude, my anxiety can't handle that.
if I'm just a number to you, why did I hire you? So really be thinking about if that feeling of somebody not having time for you, is that who you want? Representing you, somebody that just rushes you through things. Number six, they encourage unnecessary conflict. Mm Oh, we'll file for that. Oh, yeah. We'll, put that together.
Oh, yeah, I, I'm gonna put a cover letter on that. And then they just cause all kinds of conflict. I hope your attorney's, not of that attorney, but I guarantee the high conflict attorney hired somebody that's like that where their cover letters, which this is a little bit of t you guys should know, cover letters are only between attorneys, and I call them the soap opera.
They are a soap opera episode in word form. That's all that is, is them trying to rattle you when you read that cover letter. So perfect example. If I have a concern about the children not wearing their seatbelt and being seen in the front seat of a pickup truck, and I send that over to my ex's attorney, my lawyer's gonna write a cover letter on that, that could say something like, Hey, mother is concerned about the children's safety.
Riding in the front seat of a pickup truck under the age of this, and they didn't have seat belts on. know, please tell your client to do better. We're attaching a modification to the parenting plan that requires the children to be in safety seats, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyways, that would be what my attorney would say, a high conflict attorney.
Who's being aggressive would say something like, to the extreme of your client is gonna go to jail. If they continue to have the children ride in the front seat, if we catch them again without a seatbelt on, they're gonna be pulled over immediately, have custody taken away, have visitation taken away.
They will never have holidays again, like a huge threatening letter to where when you read that, you're like, oh my gosh. We were literally moving a couch from the neighbor's house to this house, and it was only like a half a block, but. Holy shit. Like it just escalates things. So when your attorney's making these big, over the top exaggerating letters or everything is a conflict, and saying, well, I'll file a motion for that.
I'll do that. Unnecessary court battles that they're not even trying. To work with the other side and talk it out or compromise. Um, I had an example where a client had a vacation planned across seas, passports were involved, huge tickets, multiple flights, all that. And instead of talking it out with the attorneys, just filed, a motion with the court costing her so much more money, where the other side just wanted a simple itinerary.
And so now we filed court fees, we have attorney fees and all this stuff when the other side just wanted an itinerary of flights. And so it could have been worked out between attorneys, but her attorney wanted to spend more money. So these are just some examples for you to get your brain thinking about is your attorney the right fit for you?
Number seven, they just don't listen to you. You know your kids, your schedule and your co-parent and you want the specific, youportion of the parenting plan written this way, and they're just like, Nope, we don't do that. A judge won't say yes to that. We're not doing that. We're not doing that. And my counter to that, always you guys, is what's been going into parenting plans isn't working.
Can we just call a spade a spade? The templates that they've used for years aren't working. The ones that judges pass down aren't working. Otherwise. Why are modifications on the rise? Why are people getting hurt? Why are kids being taken out of homes? These parenting plans suck. So when your attorney doesn't listen to you about a stipulation that you want, remember they don't know your kids.
They don't know your ex, they don't know your situation. They're just trying to pass you through as fast as they can and take as much money outta the situation. So if you're not being heard and listened to by somebody that you're not paying $5 to, but $5,000 to, why are you working with this person?
Nowhere else. If you went to a dentist office and you gave them $5,000 to do some severe dental work and all they did was polish your teeth and call it a cleaning, would you still be giving them $5,000 next month to do the same protocol? No. You would jump ship and go to a different dentist's office.
Why? With attorneys, when somebody doesn't listen to what we want, do we stay? I don't know. It kind of sounds like our fucking trauma bond with our ex, doesn't it? We stayed beyond the time that we should have, and here we are not completely out of our trauma bond. Guess who knows that our attorneys and they still abuse us with these threats or that they know better or this or that.
And I'm not saying they don't know better about some things when it comes to the law. But emotional bell, we being and psychological warfare, they know nothing about because that's not what their certificate is in. That's not what their degree is in. So don't let them tell you that they do because they don't, they've experienced it, they've witnessed it, they've heard people, go through it, but they have not been trained on how to do that.
So when they tell you, oh, that's not important. Oh, that, I'm sorry. Are you gonna be living my life with me post divorced? Are you signing this parenting plan? Oh, by the way, if you fuck this up now for me. Are you representing me free later? No. No, they're not. So why am I letting them make me feel that way?
Now again, this whole podcast isn't about jump ship, you know, and leave your attorney. You never leave an attorney without another attorney already in backup. Right, so I'm not firing my dentist till I already have a new dentist. You know, I'm not selling my car till I already have a car, right?
I mean, we have to have a plan for next steps. We can't go without a car. We can't go without a dentist. Like we can't go without a lawyer. The same thing is true here.
Bruised Egos and the Disappearing $10K Retainer
Now, number eight, they're uncomfortable with you being prepared, and we did a whole episode about this, but man, attorneys that don't like it when you have notes.
Or you have questions, or God forbid you bring a parenting plan already written to them and they don't like it. Ooh, they get their panties in a bunch 'cause their ego just got hurt or their wallet. I'm not sure which, but it's one if not both. Now we have had tons of attorneys inside the next chapter. I'm gonna start having attorneys on my podcast.
I have been on, I can't even tell you how many podcasts of attorneys. Who know my parenting plan, who have seen my parenting plan, who love my parenting plan, and who use my parenting plan in all the states because they see that I have fixed a problem. They see that I have put details into protect their client.
They see that my parenting plan is measurable. They see that my parenting plan can be seen by a judge and go, oh, well here's what it said. What did they do? Well, that's not even close to what this says. They're in failure. They're in contempt. Here's their fine. Versus when a parenting plan is written really vague, well, it leaves the door wide open for attorneys to be involved forever.
So that might be why your attorney's uncomfortable with you being prepared. Now, I know what every attorney listening this is gonna say. That's not it, Sam, that's you giving them false hope. That's what we're worried about. We're worried that you're overed educating them the wrong direction. We're worried that you're educating them and it's wrong for their case.
We're worried that you're giving them ideas that they can't have in their case. I'm here to tell you attorneys, not what I'm doing and everything that I teach and everything that I have for sale is all about working for them, for their future and their children and their post-divorce journey. As a single parent, it's all about putting it all on the table and picking off what they think they need and what they want, and then it's your job to go get it.
But a parent should have the right to know everything's on the table. Everything is on the table. Until it doesn't fit their case. So a lot of parents come to me and they say, well, I wish I would've known that. I didn't even know that was an option. Do you know how much that hurts to know that? That no one told them that was an option?
It was an option to have times wrote into their holiday schedule. It's an option to go into detail about what financial decisions need to be made for extracurriculars, or it's an option to know who gets to take their child to the dentist every year. If that was an option you could have put in. Yeah, it is an option you could put in.
Yep. But some attorneys don't want you to have that option wrote in there because they want you to have to call them every time there's a problem or something that was left out. Think about it. It is a business, a billion dollar business every year. Number nine, billing gets outta control. I know people that have put a retainer, myself included, $10,000 and within three months it was gone and I'm like, whoa, nothing has happened In our case.
Where did that money go? There's been no determination. There's been no court date. There's been nothing where the fuck did $10,000 go? So unexplained charges, constant billing, surprised, no clarity on timing of where that came from and how that was spent. So when legal costs get out of control, number one, you should be asking for an itemized bill.
Number two, you should be keeping track of every single thing that happens in your case with your attorney so that you can cross-reference it with your line item bill that you should be getting from your attorney. And I'm gonna tell you, there is a lot of times stuff gets put on your bill that wasn't your bill.
Remember Rebecca and Lindsay, their bills can be mixed up real easily when Larry just goes, Hey, uh, Rebecca called, I talked to her for 45 minutes, put that on her bill when really it was Lindsay. Now Rebecca has Lindsay's bill. That shit happens all the time. And so please make sure you're looking at your bills accordingly.
And if your office hear me when I say this, if your attorney's office is a one man show, I'll be paying extra hard attention to that bill because that attorney's trying to save costs by being their secretary, their own paralegal, their own lawyer, and their own billing, and their own HR department.
They're trying to do all the jobs of an office that does have those five positions filled by five different humans. And so be very careful about cutting corners in a one man show office, that they're the ones answering the phones, writing the motions, doing the court dates, but also doing billing, and they're the only person you can call.
There's no HR department. You've been warned,
The Gut Check: Trust Yourself and Find Someone Better
number 10. You constantly just feel uneasy around them. Now again, I am all for picking the attorneys, the living shit out of your ex. But they shouldn't intimidate the shit outta you. And now I'm not saying you be friends with your attorney. 10 outta 10. Don't recommend.
We're not friends. This is a business transaction. I'm not friends with my dentist, nor my friends with my pediatrician for my kids, nor my friends with most of the people that I engage with on a professional level. Shout out to my chiropractor, though we are besties, but when it comes to lawyer, we're not friends.
I should feel comfortable enough to call you because we worked out how we communicate. I should feel comfortable enough to ask you for a line item bill, because I have a question about my bill, and you're not gonna, yell at me or cuss at me because I asked for a line item bill, and you're gonna get it to me pretty efficiently.
I feel pretty comfortable with working with your office, just like when I called the dentist and said, Hey, I see a charge on here I'm not familiar with. Can you have the hygienist call me back and explain this one to me? Sure, no problem. She'll call you before the business day's over. No problem. It's the truth.
Something happened and I got billed for it. So it's easy to explain when it's the truth. When people get mad, when you ask questions. I would have to ask why. Why does your attorney get mad when you call? Why does your attorney get mad when you ask questions? Why does your attorney get mad when you wanna itemize?
Bill? Why does your attorney get mad when you are just being a person going through a divorce and you're emotional? If somebody's making you feel like you're wrong for feeling your feelings or having questions or having doubts or wanting a certain thing that may not be the right attorney for you. Now again, all this to say, none of this was legal advice for you to like fire your attorney today, Larry, you're gone.
Adios. But there are lawyers out there that won't do these things now, won't do all 10. I can't promise you that, but how many of you have an attorney that did all 10 things? That's not a good attorney. Now again, anybody can go get a law degree and pass. It doesn't make them a well-qualified attorney. It doesn't make them somebody that needs to represent my future.
It doesn't mean that's the somebody that needs to represent my case. I wanna find somebody that can fit better with me and what I need.
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