5 Things I Realized After 18 Years of Co-Parenting
May 12, 2026Listen. If you're in custody hell right now, this episode is either gonna piss you off or save your life. Probably both.
I spent 18 years in high-conflict co-parenting. $100K+ in legal fees. 300+ court dates. And I'm here to tell you the shit nobody wants to hear.
Your parenting plan sucks and you know it. Yeah, your attorney told you it's fine. They lied. A vague parenting plan costs you money, time, and your sanity for a decade. Get it detailed from the start or you're gonna be back in court every time something happens.
You have zero control over the other parent. Spend the next 10 years trying to fix them and see where it gets you. Spoiler: nowhere. I tried to control everything. Couldn't control shit. The only power you have is your response, your boundaries, and your documentation. That's it.
Your kids see everything. The tension. The fear. The trying. The inconsistencies. They're not blind. They're clocking who shows up and who doesn't. Who loves them unconditionally and who makes them perform for it. And they remember. All of it.
You only get 18 years. Don't waste them. I lost the first 10 years to court battles. Dysregulated. Scared. Not present. I can't get those back. You get 18 summers, 18 holidays, 18 winters with your kids as kids. That's your whole shot. Don't blow it trying to win something that doesn't matter.
The hard truth is your co-parent is probably not gonna change. You can't control them. Stop trying. What you can do is show up for your kids, get your nervous system regulated, and stop feeding the negativity machine.
If you're just starting this journey, take notes. If you're 10 years deep, grieve what you've lost and pivot now. It's not too late. My kids were teenagers when I finally woke up, and we still had time to repair things.
You know better now. Do better.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:
- Your Parenting Plan Is Your Insurance Policy - Vague documents cost you a decade and thousands in legal fees.
- You Cannot Control Another Human Being - Stop wasting energy trying to fix your ex and start controlling your response instead.
- Your Response Is Your Only Real Power - Documentation, boundaries, and how you show up are the only three things you actually control.
- Your Kids Are Watching Your Breakdown - They see the fear, the dysregulation, the inconsistencies, and they absorb all of it.
- Peace Is Worth More Than Money - Giving up the legal fight will give you back your nervous system and your life.
- Your Nervous System Is Your Kids' Mirror - When you're regulated, they can be regulated. When you're dysregulated, they can't.
- You Only Get 18 Summers - The years go by in a blink and you can't get them back once they're gone.
- The First 10 Years Don't Define The Last 8 - It's not too late to pivot and repair the relationship with your kids.
The Truth Bombs
- "I spent a hundred thousand dollars on lawyers to learn that my peace was worth more than any amount of money."
- "Your kids aren't blind. They see you trying, they see the other parent lacking, and over time they figure out exactly who each of you actually is."
- "I had zero control over what he fed my kids, what he said to them, or how he parented them. But I had total control over how I showed up for them when they were with me."
- "When I stopped trying to control my ex and started controlling my own nervous system, my kids finally got the mom they actually needed."
- "Your kids will choose based on who they felt safer with, who loved them without conditions, and who they saw actually trying. That's it."
- "I ran everything through a dad filter for ten years. I was so worried about pissing him off that I forgot to be myself. The second I stopped, my kids saw who I actually was and they loved that person."
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Samantha Boss: All right. Here are five things that I realize after 18 years of co-parenting, now that my kids are grown and my co-parenting years are behind me, I have a lot of clarity that I wish I probably would've had a lot sooner. But when you're in it, everything just feels so urgent. Everything feels extra emotional and everything feels like I have to take care of this right now.
The hindsight that I'm gonna give you today is a little bit different. And I hope, I just hope with today's episode that you trust me and you've been around long enough with me that you know that I'm not a bullshitter. You know that I'm not somebody that's gonna tell you something that truly isn't.
As somebody that went through an extremely high conflict co-parenting journey for years, and I'm on the other side of it now — I have been through enough therapy with myself and my children, and I've been on a huge apology tour and have really helped my children over the past decade with things that I truly feel like these five things matter.
Now, I want you to keep in mind I got divorced when my kids were one and three. They are now in their twenties and they are part of my business helping me navigate how to improve co-parenting for high conflict couples.
Your Parenting Plan Matters More Than You Think
First and foremost thing that I wish I would've known at the beginning: how important the parenting plan is. It matters more than you think.
And I know there's a lot of people out there that are early in their journey or think that their attorney is telling them the truth about, Hey, don't worry about it. You guys will always be able to work it out after the ink dries. But if everything's gonna work out and everything's gonna be easier when we are over this divorce, then why not just build a parenting plan just in case it's not?
Let's build a parenting plan that matters in high conflict and in arguments and in bad seasons. And then if by chance we are the couple that can get along forever, then we never have to use it. But if we do need to use it, then it better work for us, not against us.
Parenting plan is really important because it will be what you fall back on. It's a document, but it's also the time you have with your kids, it's the schedule that you have, it's the holidays you have, it's the ability to make decisions.
Without that parenting plan, you are in years of turmoil of conflict, either with your ex or with your attorney or both. And financial loss goes right with that.
So I wish I would've known all those years ago when I got handed a four page parenting plan and I was so excited. And then a few months later when I went to use that said parenting plan, I was like, I just spent a hundred thousand dollars on this divorce, and yes, I'm divorced and yay for me, but I'm trying to actually use this practical piece of paper and it doesn't work for me. It actually works against me. It's written very vaguely.
You Have Zero Control Over The Other Parent
Number two: I wish I would've understood faster that I had zero ability to control the other parent. This is the hardest thing.
I couldn't control how they parented. I couldn't control what they said to my children. I couldn't control the choices they made. That was very hard because a lot of those things were the opposite of what we did when we were together.
But when you can have radical acceptance that you have zero control over that other parent, you do get a little bit of peace back.
People will come to me and they'll say, Sam, how do I get my ex do this? How do I get my ex to this? And it always comes back to one thing. You're afraid of them hurting the children, but here's the reality: you can't stop that. Those are your kids' parents. That child needs to see that clearly and get used to it. Or figure out how to deal with it.
You can't control the other parent. But what you can control is your responses, your boundaries, and your documentation.
I see so many parents saying, Sam, I want them to put the kids down earlier or I can't believe they're vaping in the car with my child. You can't control that. I have no control over another human being.
There are so many parents like you out there that are wasting so much energy, time, and space on this topic right here. I did a decade. I tried to control the situation. Why does he keep talking shit about me to my children? I took him to court. He's in the car. By the time he is in the car, he is already told him something. You can't control the other parent.
What you can control is my time with my children, and how I make them feel good when they're with me. How do I make them feel safe when they're with me? How do I make them feel like they're validated when they're with me, how do I give them the tools to survive that house?
Quit spinning out of control about it yourself and being all dysregulated about a house you can no longer control. I would love to have all that time back. I would love to have that nervous system regulated way sooner than what I did because I was stuck on this one for a long time.
Because you would never do these things to your children. You would never set them up for failure and vape in the car with them, or keep them up till 10 o'clock at night or speak ill of the other parent to them. That other parent can do whatever the hell they want.
And here's the fun of it all: at the end of your child's journey with them, they determine what parent they want around. My children have chosen me and my husband. They no longer engage with their dad — not by my actions. By his actions, his own actions, their own relationship.
Your Kids See More Than You Think
Number three: Your kids see more than you think your kids do. Notice the tension, the manipulation. The inconsistencies or the consistencies. They know who shows up. They see you trying, they see the other parent lacking.
You don't have to explain everything. Over time as your kids grow up, they will see all the patterns on their own. Your job is to stay steady with how you show up.
I thought my kids were gonna be so angry with me and so mad at me, and so frustrated with their childhood and so disappointed. And then when we're in therapy or we're talking about our Journal entries, or we're doing gratitude together, they're talking about how I provided this and I did this, and even when they were struggling, mom still showed up.
They saw when I was trying, they saw when I did the little things, the little things mattered to them. It wasn't these big, huge gestures. It was the small things that I did. Your kids see everything. They absorb everything. They feel everything.
And when I finally woke up after probably close to a decade of horrible co-parenting and trying to control, it became this different person and my confidence got bigger and my boundaries got stronger, and my ability to just self-regulate was great. My kids sucked over to me and they're like, we want more of this.
It all came down to my kids understanding how they felt when they were with each parent. They felt calm and regulated with me. They felt like they had a purpose and they had choices, and they had freedoms and they had love, and they had validation and they were seen and they had discipline. They had consistency of love on no conditions. They didn't have to perform to get my love. It was just there.
And then at the other house, they had to check a box to get love, and they had to do certain X, Y, and Z to receive validation. And kids aren't blind to that.
What you have to do is show up for your kids consistently. Be the normal regulated one. Be the one that just tries. I don't care if you try imperfectly. I don't care if you try and fail. I don't care if you try and you struggle, but just try and your kids will see all that.
My kids saw me trying to pay for sports. My kids saw me trying to lose weight. My kids saw me trying to regulate my nervous system and put myself in an adult timeout. My kids saw me struggling. They heard me come back and apologize.
I was so authentically myself when I woke up. My kids saw that man, mom was this way for 10 years with him in that situation, but here's who she is now and here's who she's trying to be, and she's showing us that we can detach and be ourselves now.
I ran everything through a dad filter at my house for 10 years. I was worried about getting in trouble. I was worried about going to court. I was worried about being a bad co-parent. I was worried about him having more ammo to talk more shit about me. I was worried, worried, worried.
And there just came a day where I was just like, fuck, I can't do that anymore. Radical acceptance, he's never gonna change. No matter how nice I am. He is who he is, and I just need to move the fuck on.
And when I did, my kids saw that. They saw that he didn't change, but they saw that I evolved and I became a better parent, and I became a better Sam.
When I started working on Sam first, I prioritized Sam and my kids saw that, and you know what happened? My kids prioritized themselves when they saw me making me number one. They became their own number one.
When you get to this point where you start prioritizing yourself over everybody, your kids will follow and do the exact same thing. But when you put somebody else, like a co-parent ahead of yourself, guess what your kids do? Put that co-parent ahead of themselves, and even you, because you're teaching them that.
I taught my kids that for 10 years. Just do this so he doesn't get mad. Just do this so he doesn't get angry. We prioritized him for 10 years, but when I switched to me, woo, domino effect — those kids were begging for me to be my number one cheerleader.
Your kids see more than you think. They see you struggling, but they also see you trying. They can sense your fear. But when they finally see you pump your chest up a little bit, it's all right. That confidence, those kids are begging for it.
Your kids see you trying versus using excuses like the other parent does. But what do you want them to notice about you?
Peace Becomes More Valuable Than Winning
Number four: Peace becomes more valuable than winning.
I have a woman right now who's on year four of her negotiations. She's due a lot of money — we're talking millions. We're at a point with her where we're like, walk away, take a really low amount and walk away. We gotta stop the bleeding. You are hemorrhaging with trauma as you drag this out. She gets to stop paying attorneys. She gets to finally be divorced. She gets to end this portion of her life.
One of the biggest wins that I got was starting to pay for everything. When my kids got into high school, I started paying for things. All of it — paid for cars, paid for cell phones, paid for copays, paid for extracurriculars, paid for school, paid for field trips, paid for yearbooks, paid for every senior pictures, paid for dentists, paid for braces. Paid for it all.
And I know my ex thought that was a win for him. Kudos to you, bro. How was last Christmas? Because my kids were with me. Hey, did you hear that one of our kids started a new business last week? No, I did because I didn't make winning a priority. I made peace a priority.
Did he have to pay me half of those things? Sure. Did I go after it? No, because my peace was more valuable than money. Peace becomes the thing you seek out when you get into this co-parenting journey with high conflict people.
From afar, it may look like you're losing. But my fucking peace is worth a lot more than any amount of money, and I wanna stay regulated and I wanna stay calm.
Early on, you wanna win that argument. You wanna win that case. You wanna win that judgment, you wanna win that modification. But over time you start to really realize that everything isn't about a battle. It's about how can I show my kids that I'm calm and I'm regulated. Your energy matters.
When I was going through 300 court entries in and outta court for eight years, my nervous system was dis fucking regulated. I'd cry one day. I'd laugh one day. Hell, I'd cry and laugh 10 times in the same day. I used alcohol to cope. I used smoking secretly.
I surrounded myself with dramatic fucked up people so that my life looked somewhat fucking calm. There was no peace in my life during that phase. I panicked every time the phone rang. I'd cringe every time my lawyer and I had a meeting. I'd throw up every time I had court.
I was trying to win my kids. I was trying to win a higher amount for child support. I was trying to win. I didn't have peace on the books at all. And you know who felt all of that? My kids.
My anxiety was through the fucking roof. I'm just now post co-parenting, getting my nervous system calm. That's how dysregulated I've been for decades.
But your mental health matters. From the outside, when people say, I can't believe you're giving into that — well, they don't understand what peace feels like in your body, what safety feels like.
So protecting your peace is the bigger victory.
And here's the deal: Your life will get better when you stop engaging with negativity. Everything about that human being is negative. Their attitude, their presence, the arguments over money, the arguments over the dominance of decisions, all of it.
When you stop feeding into that machine, your life completely changes. When I went after peace, I met Jared, I met my husband. I lost weight. I got healthy. I don't drink. I don't do any drugs. I don't smoke. I go to church. I do gratitude. I work out. Everything about my life changed. The second I stopped looking in this corner and feeding that machine.
Time Moves Faster Than You Think
Here's the deal that nobody tells you: Your kids are kids for 18 years. They're adults with you a hell of a lot longer.
While we're over here fighting for these 18 years and trying to win at all of it, your adult children will have a different perspective on how they got treated for those 18. And you better hope your ass is around for the longer duration, which is adulthood.
And now that my kids are adults, I'm just gonna tell you it's way cool to have kids as adults. My son is thriving with his partner in business. My daughter is going to the Morgan Wallen concert tonight in Tuscaloosa. We are thriving as adults. I get to be a part of that because of how I conducted myself and improved myself.
Was it pretty the first eight, 10 years? No, but I improved where the last 10 years were fucking awesome, and they remember that.
So you get the next 40 with your kids. You fuck up the 18, you don't get a phone call in the next 40. You don't get Christmas in the next 40. If you fuck up the first 18, find peace in the first 18 so you have them with you in the next 40.
Time moves faster than what you expect.
When I got told Sam, you have 50/50 now, after eight days in court and hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on lawyers and 43 witnesses — I collapsed. I don't remember the next couple days because I thought, how in the hell am I going to co-parent with this person that just did this to me? Just drug me through court. Wouldn't agree in mediation.
The light at the end of that tunnel was so fucking small. It was like the drop of a pin. But I'm gonna tell you what, that shit got bright real quick.
It goes by fast. The exchanges, the holidays, all of it. It goes by fast, especially when it's half the time.
You make those holidays important. You make 'em special. You only get 18 holidays with your kids. There's no guarantee they are gonna be there Christmas morning when they're 27 and married.
18 summers, 18 winter breaks. That's all you get. That's it when they're minors.
I would give anything to have a do over 'cause I fucked up the first 10 years 'cause I was so worried about winning. And I was so worried about my ex. And I was so worried about court and I was so worried about proving that I was a good co-parent. I was so worried about the stupidest shit.
I didn't show up the way I should have, and I didn't know how fast it was gonna go, and I wish somebody would've shook me and woke me up.
You only get one time that they turn 10. You only get one time that they go to the junior high dance for the first time. You only get one time at this shit. And I was so worried about winning.
I would give anything to have them in my bed. But I didn't let them sleep in my bed because I was worried that the co-parent would find out and then take me to court and call me weird.
Let them sleep in your bed. Put your fucking phones down and play with your kids. Stop worrying about the laundry and the dishes and the fucking dinners. Fucking cook a frozen pizza and call it a day.
Stop skipping shit because your ex is gonna be there. Fucking go. Take the pictures, be in the fucking pictures. It goes by so fast.
I just think about Josie and Walker and how much I would kill to have their childhood back because I robbed them blind because I let all of this stupid shit fucking become so important. My lawyers made me believe so many wrong things.
It goes by so fast. And when I hug my bigs, I just think, gosh, how different their childhood could have been if mom would've woke up sooner. But it goes by so fast and a lot of you are prioritizing the wrong things.
I parent. That's it. What I do at my nine to five is not important. My job is parenting.
And I was so fucked up back in the day — my job would've been to be an ex-wife. That was my priority for a long time. You get one time being their parent, one time to make sure they feel the most love, they feel the most control over their safety. It's your job.
And I fucked that up for years. It goes by fast and you have little time to fix it before they're out in the world having to navigate and figure things out.
You get a short fucking window to love them and teach them everything that you possibly can to make them survive adulthood, 'cause it's fucking scary. I got a kid in college and I got a kid living life, and it's just like every day I'm like, are you okay? are you okay? But it goes by so fast.
So not everything has to be a fucking win, but everything should be peaceful. That's what they fucking need is somebody that prioritizes peace over winning. I don't give a flying fuck what your ex thinks. Oh, he's gonna think he won. She's gonna think she beat me. Who fucking cares? What do your kids think about you?
You regulated and choose peace and love over the bullshit. I chose bullshit for 10 years. I don't get that time back.
I forgive myself because I did the best I can with the things I had and the knowledge I had, but I know better now, and you do too after just watching this short little episode. You know better. So do better.
That's why I end every fucking email and TikTok and social media post: know better, do better, now you.
So do it better. Show up for your fucking kids. I don't care that your ex is there. I don't care that he brought his new piece of ass or she brought her 17th boyfriend. I don't give a shit. Your kids want you there. Show the fuck up. Do better for your kids because this time goes by so fast.
You get four proms. You get all these short little things. And your first focus when you're in this hyper vigilance of high conflict is like, oh God, but my ex is gonna be there. Your kid will be there. Fuck it. I can tune anybody out. Learn how to do that.
So all that to say, if you know me, trust me, these five things are my hindsights that I wish somebody would've pulled me aside and told me and made sure I understood and practiced.
So if you need help with your parenting plan, I'm your girl. If you need a friend, join the next chapter. If you need to learn more, get the masterclass. But this comes down to: what can you do for yourself, making yourself a fucking priority again, so that your kids see that and go, wow, I need to make myself a priority. Like mom is, like dad is.
You get one shot at this. Stop fucking it up trying to win and just show up for your kids. That's it.
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