The 5 Boundaries That Changed Everything For Me
Jun 18, 2026You've been telling your ex to stop for years. They never have. They never will. Because boundaries aren't what you say. They're what you damn do.
That's the truth I had to learn the hard fucking way. Your high-conflict ex does not give a shit what you ask them to stop doing. The only thing they respond to is what YOU do in response. That's the entire damn game. And the second I got it, my whole life changed.
This week I'm breaking down the five hard boundaries I implemented once I finally woke up to the fact that I was in a high-conflict dynamic, not a co-parenting one. I sent the extra photos. I gave the extra time. I did every damn thing I could and was met with resistance every damn time. Then I stopped trying to fix them and started fixing my ass. My kids? They started watching. And they started doing it too.
I'm laying it all out. The communication boundary that ended the bait-and-spiral cycle. The access boundary that stops high-conflict exes from weaponizing your flexibility in court. (Yes. They WILL take your kindness to court and tell the judge you're pawning your damn kids off. Mine did. Believe them when they show you who they are.) The time and energy boundary that ends a decade of overexplaining. The documentation boundary that turns cruelty into evidence. And the internal boundary that makes you unbothered everywhere.
Plus the niceness trap. Your ex texts "how's work going" and you light up like maybe this is finally co-parenting? Three messages later you've mentioned a male coworker and they're saying, "Oh, you're talking to guys at work again, are you?" That niceness was bait. Every fucking time.
And the bingo card move. The one that turned my nervous system from a runaway train to background damn noise. Predicted pain hurts less. And when you stop being the toy mouse the cat bounces around, the cat eventually gets bored.
The brutal part nobody tells you. Your ex trained your ass. Trained you to overexplain. Trained you to justify. Trained you to chase their damn approval. The marriage ended. The training didn't. This episode is the damn manual to untrain yourself.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:
- Boundaries Are What You Do, Not What You Say - Telling your ex to stop is begging; deciding what YOU will do in response is the actual boundary.
- Set Your Damn Co-Parenting Hours - You are not available 24/7, and the second you stop responding outside your hours, your ex stops controlling your nervous system.
- Your Flexibility Will Be Used Against You - Every guilt-trip swap you allow becomes evidence in court that you "pawn the kids off," so follow the damn order and stop trying to win them over.
- No Is A Complete Damn Sentence - The minute you start explaining why, your ex finds the one word, name, or detail to weaponize against you.
- If It Matters, Track It - Stop arguing the facts and start documenting the pattern, because 17 times in 30 days speaks louder than any argument you'll ever win.
- You're Not Rattled, You're Allowing It - Your ex's behavior is theirs, but your nervous system is 100% your damn responsibility.
- Predicted Pain Hurts Less - Build the bingo card, predict their next move, and when it happens you confirm it instead of spiraling over it.
- Your Ex Trained You. Untrain Yourself. - The overexplaining, the justifying, the chasing their approval was a survival response inside the marriage, and you don't have to keep performing for someone who already left.
The Truth Bombs
- "Boundaries are not something we say. They're something we enforce."
- "Believe them when they show you who they are. They've shown you. Believe them now."
- "No is a complete damn sentence."
- "They didn't pick a body. High-conflict people just pick a body. Believe them."
- "You allow them to rattle you. They don't rattle you."
- "Predicted pain hurts less."
- "You're not the toy mouse the cat bounces around anymore."
- "Your ex trained you. You have to untrain yourself."
PURCHASE your own custom plan here:
About to sign something you don't understand? Walking into mediation empty-handed? I can help.
Custom Parenting Plan — I'll write your plan. Built for your kids, your schedule, your high-conflict ex. Not a template. A plan that protects your time for the next 18 years.
The Parenting Plan Masterclass — Learn what strong parenting plans actually look like before you sign anything. I'll walk you through decision making, parenting time, holidays, communication boundaries, and how to prepare for mediation so you know exactly what to ask for and what garbage language to avoid.
Follow Samantha Boss:
We'd Love to Hear Your Stories!
Have a story or question you want addressed?
This podcast exists because way too many parents are slogging through divorce quietly and thinking they are the only ones dealing with this mess. You can share your story, ask real questions, or send in topics you want broken down without the fluff. Stories can be shared anonymously, and no, this is not legal advice, but honest conversations are where clarity actually starts.
Samantha Boss: Boundaries are not something we say. They're something we enforce.
If your ex is high-conflict, your boundaries are getting tested all the time. All the time. And I want you to remember this from the top. Boundaries are something WE do, not what we say to our ex.
A lot of people will say, "Well, my ex doesn't stop calling. I told him to." That's not a boundary. The boundary would be: "If my ex continues to call, I will block the number for twenty-four hours, or I will turn my phone off." The boundary is YOU. What YOU will do.
If my mom continues to bash my ex in front of my kids, I will no longer go over there for holidays. And if you go over there for holidays and she starts saying "your ex, your ex" in front of your children, you say, "Kiddos, get your shoes on. We're leaving." The boundary comes from you. It does not come from the other side.
Sam, "How do I get my ex to stop bashing me to my children?" There's nothing I can do about that. The boundary would be: "Hey kiddos, when you come back from that house, just know here, we don't hear about those things. We don't talk like that. We don't participate in conversations like that. We don't bash on people like that. But I can't stop what's going on over there. Over here, I'm gonna heal you. I'm gonna make you feel better."
We can only control certain things, but boundaries are things that affect you and how you can regulate yourself, compose yourself, distance yourself, or do something.
So we're gonna break down the five boundaries I learned once I woke up to what I was in. Which was high conflict.
I didn't know I was in a high-conflict dynamic. I tried to co-parent. I tried to be flexible. I tried to work. I tried to do all the extras. I sent the pictures. I gave the extra time. I just did everything I possibly could, but I was met with resistance. Then once I figured out I was in a high-conflict dynamic, I picked up on these boundaries and they were game-changers. Not only for myself, but for my children, because my children saw me implement boundaries and they quickly followed with implementing their own. Not necessarily with their father right away, but just with high-conflict people, their peers, coaches, teachers, other relatives.
Boundary 1: Stop Engaging Emotionally
The communication boundary. I don't engage emotionally. I had to learn that I will not argue, not defend, not explain, and not react to the bait.
Because that's what it all was. At some point before I learned this boundary, I would think he was just trying to talk with me. Engage with me. Believed something to be true. He knew sure as hell none of that was true. He was trying to engage me to get me rattled, to get me heightened, to get me to show up poorly, to get me to look crazy and act out in front of my children.
I had to learn that the toxic back and forth, the hollering at each other, the over-engaging on the phone (because that's how old I am, phone conversations actually existed) was exactly what he wanted. So I had to keep messages short, brief, factual, only about the children, and ignore everything outside of that.
The Niceness Trap
Here's what's tricky with high-conflict people. Sometimes they're nice. They'll say "Hey, how's work going?" And you light up inside thinking, "This is it. This is co-parenting. They're being nice to me. Yes, let's go for it."
And you're like, "Well actually, work is going really well. There's this one guy I work with..."
"Oh, talking to guys at work again, are you?"
And you're like, "Oh fuck. There it is. Damn. I fell for it. Shit."
You quickly realize you cannot overextend and share. The niceness is always a way to get more information from you to use against you. You have to be business-like. Brief. Informative. Friendly. Firm. BIFF. And you only answer when you're available.
Set Your Damn Co-Parenting Hours
What are your co-parenting hours? Because I hope you're not available twenty-four seven. I hope you're not available when you're with your kids. I hope you're not available when you're at work.
What are your co-parenting hours? That's a boundary. If you proceed to text me late at night, you will not get a phone call back until the next business day. If you proceed to send an abundance of text messages, I will be stopping communication for twelve hours.
You have to throw down a boundary that if you do this with communication, I will follow up with this. Not saying what they will do, but what will YOU do.
My co-parenting hours are 7 AM to 8:30 AM. At 8:30, I'm at work. Then I'll return at 4:30 to 6 PM. If you can't hit those windows, deuces. I'm not available any other time, especially when I have the children. When I don't have the children, I'll check my phone for emergencies. And emergencies to me, and what I coach, is health and transportation. Those are the only two emergencies. Everything else is about something that can wait or doesn't really matter.
Boundary 2: Follow The Damn Order
Access boundaries. Follow the order.
No last-minute changes. No guilt trip to get you to swap. No "can I have the kids one more time please? I can't believe you're not letting me have the kids." No. The time is the time.
You get your time. I get my time. "Well, you get more time than I do." Well, you know what? Somebody in a black robe said I'm a better fit than you are for a certain amount of time. I'm not gonna feel guilty that you didn't present yourself well in court and get the time you thought you deserved. I'm not gonna keep swapping thinking it's gonna win this person over into co-parenting. Because it won't. They're resistant. They've shown that. Believe them. They showed you. Believe them now.
High-conflict people use your lack of flexibility against you. But the order is the order. And if you're going against the order, you're in contempt.
Your Flexibility Will Be Used Against You
Here's the thing nobody will tell you, but Sam will. This happened to me. This has happened to a multitude of clients, both men and women. Mothers and fathers. Because high-conflict people don't pick what body they go into. They just pick one.
If you think being flexible will help you in court, and you give time because you feel guilty, and they pressured you, and you give an extra overnight here, an extra hour here, an extra weekend here... You know what high-conflict people will do?
They'll be nice to your face. Take you to court. And say: "She doesn't even want her kids. She keeps giving me time. She gave me a weekend last month. She gave me an extra hour two days ago. She gave me a whole overnight she didn't need to. She keeps pawning her kids off on me so she can go out, be with this person, do these things."
That's what high-conflict people do. Don't get it twisted. They're not being nice for you to give them extra time without it being used against you. They WILL use the request against you later. Happened to me. Happened to clients. They don't want to co-parent. They're tallying marks against you. Always. Because they're ready to go back to court any day of the week. They love it there. It's their circus, where people pay to watch them perform.
By not following the boundaries of your parenting plan, they're documenting: "Oh, I asked. She gave up the kids again. Oh, I asked. He let me have them. He didn't want them." They write all that down and use it against you.
Boundary 3: Stop Overexplaining Yourself
Time and energy boundary. Stop overexplaining. This is where you lose all your power.
Why are you writing paragraphs? Are you trying to get them to understand? I'm telling you right now. They don't give a shit about understanding. It's not about understanding. It's not about them going "Oh. Oh, that's what Sam meant. Oh, well yeah never mind, Sam, that's fine. I totally get it now."
Has your ex EVER said that crazy shit to you? "Oh, I get it now. Never mind. I'm sorry." What the fuck. Hello. No. That's not who they are.
So you don't say "here's why I need to do this" or "here's why I said no" or "here's why I can't switch." No is a complete sentence. No doesn't work out. No, can't do that.
Drop The Paragraph. No Is Enough.
Stop overexplaining because here's what they do. They ask "Well, why can't you give me that weekend?" And you're like:
"Well actually, you know my Grandpa George, he has the lake this weekend, and he asked if the kids could come down because he's doing this turkey thing, and he wants the kids to participate, and blah blah blah..."
You know what your ex says with that information? "Hmm, what turkey thing was that? I think I'll head down there. Oh, it's at the lake. I think I'll rent the house next door."
Or they bitch about it: "When's the last time you talked to your Grandpa George? Is your crazy Aunt Karen gonna be there?"
You've given them too much information. And now we're no longer talking about the swap or why you said no. Now we're in the weeds.
Train your ex early. You don't do that. Nope, doesn't work out for us. Not gonna happen. You do not need to send a paragraph explaining. Because they are looking for the ONE word, the ONE person, the time, the something. Believe them. Every time you explain yourself, all hell breaks loose.
Boundary 4: If It Matters, Track It
Documentation boundary. If it matters, track it.
This ties directly to another episode we've done. Episode 36. Go back and watch it. Start logging the missed time, the lack of pickups, the lack of communication. Save messages. Keep track of all of this stuff.
Because when we don't, then they know they can continue to do it.
Say things like: "Oh, don't worry about it. I'll just document. No problem. Documented. Noted. I'll file this. I'll put this away."
Show the boundary that if you keep doing this shit, I'm gonna document. I'm gonna let somebody know. Shift from the argument to "no problem, I will document."
You're not going to just keep fighting. Have you ever won? Even if you have won, they still think they won. Have they ever come to you and said "Oh, I get it. I apologize?" No.
Track The Pattern. Don't Argue The Facts.
Some of you are in the documenting weeds. You're documenting too much shit. Going way too far into the weeds.
Document things that can be proven. Money. Communication. Time. Those things are easy. Name-calling, keep a pattern.
"If you keep calling me names, I'll have no choice but to document it."
They'll say, "Ooh, document it. Like I give a shit."
Okay. Well, when I show a pattern of 17 times in the past 30 days, it's gonna say more about you than it's gonna say about me.
Don't get in the weeds of "Don't call me names. Stop calling me names." Just fucking document it. Don't try to prove "You haven't picked up your kids 17 times." Nope. Just document it. "You're late every single time." Nope. Just document it.
Don't get into the matter of facts. Track it. Just track it.
Boundary 5: I Don't Let Their Behavior Fuck With Mine
Internal boundary. I am in control of my own nervous system.
Some of you are like, "What? No, Sam, they rattle me."
No. You allow them to rattle you.
"No, Sam, they escalate things and it gets under my skin, and I get pissed off."
No. You allow yourself to get pissed off by what they're doing. You can't control them. But you are 100% responsible for how you allow them to fuck with you.
I look back on this now and think, "That sounds really easy now that I'm not in co-parenting. But man, when I was in co-parenting, woo."
The Bingo Card Move
Here's my trick. The bingo card.
I started predicting their behaviors. When I was predicting behaviors for myself and for my clients, then they got less of my nervous system. When I started predicting how I could see the patterns coming.
This is what they're gonna do with money. This is what they're gonna do with communication. This is what they're gonna accuse me of. This is what they're gonna say. This is who they're gonna talk to. This is how they're gonna show up. This is what's gonna happen to my kids.
I could predict it all. It hurt less. When it came across my plate, it wasn't "Oh my gosh, I can't believe that was said." My nervous system was like, "Eh."
When it came across, now that I've already done the bingo card, I'm like: "Huh, had that. Predicted that. Caught that. That's a pattern. I knew that. My mom wrote that one down. Oh, my sister had that one."
When you can start seeing their behaviors and patterns, they become more predictable. Then you gain control of your own nervous system again. Game changer.
Stop Being The Toy Mouse
Their behaviors are theirs. You're responsible for yours. When you keep allowing their behaviors to run yours, they know. Your ex knows. They know their mere presence at a soccer game fucks you up. Because you allow it to. They know if they text you a certain thing, you'll spiral, and that proves their point.
They're in your head and they know it and they use it.
But when you start to be unbothered, it's like they lose their power. All of a sudden you're not the little toy mouse to bounce around anymore for the cat. And they're like, "Ugh, gross. She's all safe now. She's all better. She has boundaries. She has confidence. She has self-care. She has self-respect. Well now who can I go after?"
And for most of the time, it's our children. I know that sounds scary when I say it really fast. But here's the best part. My kids have been watching me be a badass with boundaries. Be confident. Not let people fuck with me. Your kids will absorb that energy because you'll keep showing it.
Your Kids Are Watching
We're not gonna let their behavior control how I show up for work, how I show up for my kids, how I show up in court, how I show up at a soccer game. I'm unbothered. It's on my bingo card. I'm unbothered.
These boundaries are things YOU have to do. Nothing I said today is about how they're gonna do. You can keep telling your ex to stop doing X, Y, and Z. They're gonna laugh in your face and do it 10 more times. You can tell your ex to do this or that. It's never going to stop.
You have to control what you're in charge of. Your life.
Untrain Yourself
Boundaries won't stop the high-conflict parent from being high conflict. But they will stop YOU from getting pulled into it. That changes everything for your life and your kids.
When you stop allowing them to control you from your house and stop running everything through that filter and stop thinking about them and stop allowing them in your home, figuratively in your head and in your body, your whole world changes. And so does it for your kids.
It's really important you learn these hard boundaries. Have your friends and family help you practice them. Because it's really hard to go from texting all the time, engaging all the time, oversharing all the time, doing all the things you normally have done. Because they trained you to be that way.
They trained you to overexplain. They trained you to justify. You have to untrain yourself. That's not how this should be. That's not how it's going to be.
There's a lot of fallout. "Oh my gosh, what if he takes me back to court? What if he..." There's a lot of worries. But what you're doing isn't working for you OR your nervous system. Your dysregulated nervous system is rubbing off on your children. We've got to stop that power dynamic.
That person shouldn't be able to determine how I show up as a parent in my own household by sending a text or making a comment or an accusation. I have to control myself. And that comes with hard boundaries.
A lot of this will be with your ex. Your friends and family. Some of you, even your attorneys. You're gonna have to have harder boundaries.
Think about the bingo card. Think about business hours. Think about using BIFF. Just really think about: I am in control of my own body. I'm not gonna let them win at dysregulating me. So I show up differently than how I want to.
A Team Dklutr Production
