Welcome to the episode that's gonna save you years of hell.

If you're here, you're either in a high conflict situation or you're smart enough to prepare for one. And that means the "standard" parenting plan your lawyer's pushing? It's not gonna cut it.

Here's what most people don't understand:

Parenting plans written for cooperative co-parents become WEAPONS when you're dealing with high conflict. The same clauses that help reasonable people communicate become tools for abuse, surveillance, and control.

And nobody tells you this until it's too late.

In this episode, you'll learn:

The 7 most dangerous clauses for high conflict situations:

• Right of first refusal (surveillance disguised as co-parenting)
• Shared calendars (unpaid labor for your abuser)
• Same-day split holidays (childhood anxiety generator)
• Shared birthdays (forcing kids to choose personalities)
• Vague exchange information (lawyer fee goldmine)
• Mandatory phone calls (investigation and coaching sessions)
• Undefined extra expenses (financial abuse on repeat)
  

Why each one fails in high conflict - not just my opinion, but 18 years of real-world evidence

What to do instead - how to protect yourself without these clauses

How to evaluate ANY clause - the glasses exercise that changes everything

This is strategic planning, not paranoia. High conflict people don't follow rules, respect boundaries, or play fair. Your parenting plan needs to account for that reality.

Your lawyer will tell you I'm being extreme. Your friends who had "easy" divorces will think you're overthinking it.

But you're not dealing with reasonable people. And that changes everything.

Ready to build a plan that actually protects you? Start by removing these seven things. Then we'll talk about what TO include.

Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

• Shared Calendars Create Asymmetric Labor and Access - You'll end up managing all the inputs while your high-conflict ex gets free access to your schedule, activities, and personal life without reciprocating the effort or respecting boundaries.
• Vague Exchange Language Guarantees Expensive Conflicts - Without specific pick-up/drop-off rules and locations, you'll spend thousands having lawyers argue about who drives what distance, even if you live blocks apart.
• High Conflict Parents Weaponize Everything "Standard" - Stop evaluating clauses through your reasonable-person lens; put on your ex's glasses and ask "how will they use this against me?" because they absolutely will.
• Right of First Refusal Enables Surveillance, Not Co-Parenting - This clause forces you to report your schedule, activities, and childcare needs to someone who will use that information to stalk, control, and interfere with your parenting time under the guise of "wanting more time with the kids."
• Same-Day Holiday Splits Prioritize Adults Over Children - Kids don't need to celebrate on the "right" date—they need relaxed, pressure-free celebrations where they're not anxious about leaving cousins/family to rush to the other parent's house mid-day.

The Truth Bombs

• "It's not about the day—it's about the celebration. Your kids don't give a shit about December 25th."
• "High conflict people don't play by the rules. Stop pretending they will."
• "Kids deserve to spend the day with you, not get passed around like a potluck dish."
• "Tell me how a phone call protects your children when they can't say 'I'm getting the shit knocked out of me' with the abuser standing right there."
• "Eighteen years taught me this: kids don't remember the date. They remember if it was peaceful or stressful."
• "The phone calls you think bond your kids? They're getting coached before and interrogated after. That's not bonding."
  

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We'd Love to Hear Your Stories!

Have a story or question you want addressed?

This podcast exists because way too many parents are slogging through divorce quietly and thinking they are the only ones dealing with this mess. You can share your story, ask real questions, or send in topics you want broken down without the fluff. Stories can be shared anonymously, and no, this is not legal advice, but honest conversations are where clarity actually starts.

Samantha Boss: So these are gonna be the seven things that I would never agree to in a parenting plan. And I'm just gonna hit you with this little bit of knowledge right from the word jump. Some of these are going to blow your mind as to why I say no to them. I say no, and I'm gonna tell you the why. I say no. When you first hear them and your butt puckers and you're like, Sam, I can't go without that.

Just listen to the stories, listen to the explanation, and it will all make sense. So let's dive in.

Right of First Refusal

Very first one, right of first refusal. It's a no for me. Now, let's get a little bit of background here. If you're listening to this podcast, most likely you are in a high conflict journey or you're fearing that your journey could turn high conflict in co-parenting, whether that be directly from your ex's personality or who they start dating could cause you conflict and problem.

And so if you're listening to this and you're like, I am on a fence of, am I high conflict or not? People that get along don't even question if they're on that fence. So there's something about your situation that's saying, red flag, this could go south at any point in time. I'd rather be prepared.

Right of first refusal is just a no for me. It's a huge red flag for future problems if you put it in your parenting plan. Now, a lot of attorneys are gonna tell you it's standard. "Sam, you gotta include it. This is what every parent wishes they had. Don't you want more time with your kids?"

But here's the thing—he's gonna tell you that you need this, that don't you want your kids every second you can. And I'm gonna be perfectly honest, as a veteran myself in the co-parenting single life journey: no, I'm not anybody's babysitter. So, no. And that sounds harsh, I know, and we're gonna get into it another episode, but—

Right of first refusal essentially means this: if I need to step away from my children during my scheduled parenting time, right of first refusal in a nutshell says that I am required to call my ex-husband and say, "Hey, I need to step away. Would you like the kids?" And he's going to respond back with yes. And he's gonna take the kids. And then when I'm done with my thing, I'm gonna go pick them up and bring them back home.

And this gets very, very messy. And we're gonna dive in again into it in a future episode really soon. But it's not something that works with high conflict people because there's a lot of rules around right of first refusal. There's a lot of respect around it. There's a lot of "Hey, I scratched your back, you scratched mine. Hey, it's common courtesy. Hey, let's follow these rules." High conflict people don't do that.

So right of first refusal from the word jump, I'm taking it out. Now, I know for some of you—I mean, again, your butt is puckering going, "Sam, but I want my kids as much as possible!" And I just can't tell you enough: it won't work out the way you think it will.

It's a way to surveil you. It's a way to mess with you and your kids. And if you know, you know. And if you don't, you're gonna find out in future episodes.

Shared Parenting Calendars

The next thing that I would never put in a parenting plan is shared parenting calendars, which actually ironically is our very next episode right after this.

But a shared calendar means that you most likely—because you're here learning, you're here getting an education, you're here trying to improve your situation—you're gonna be the secretary, you're gonna be the uploader, you're gonna be the one that's inputting everything. And the big picture here is this:

We're two separate households and we're both adults. Why are you not keeping track of your shit on your own time?

I'm not putting it in black and white that I have to share a calendar with a high conflict person who also possibly could be my abuser in some cases, and who also possibly could be stalking me. And oh, let's not forget, this person hates my guts. So I'm not sharing a calendar with said person. It's nasty.

Same-Day Split Holidays

The next one: same-day split holidays. Now I'm gonna die on this hill just like I am all of these seven, but we are not sharing holidays on the same day. Meaning Christmas—I'm not having my kids start at one house and at two o'clock in the afternoon come to another house.

I'm not doing it. We're not doing it. And there's a whole bunch of reasons why, but here is the nutshell: it fucks with your kids.

Now I know instantaneously, if you're new here, you're like, "Sam, I wanna see my kids on Christmas!"

It's not about the day, it's about the celebration. Let me say that again. Your kids could care less about what day they see you as long as they celebrate with you. And I don't care if it's the 4th of July, Christmas, Easter, whatever it is—as long as they're getting a glimpse of a holiday with you, they don't care what day it falls on.

How do I know this? I've been doing co-parenting for 18 years. With my children and my co-parent, and my kids did not have Christmas on Christmas. My kids did not celebrate birthdays on their birthday. They celebrated them always on a different day. They don't remember. They just know they had birthdays with me. They had Christmas with me. They had 4th of July with me. Sometimes we drove two towns over on July 2nd to watch that town's fireworks because I didn't have them on July 4th.

It's not about the day, but the last thing I wanna do is at two o'clock in the afternoon be transferring my anxiety over to my children saying, "Hurry up. Let's go change your clothes, brush your teeth, get your shoes on. Yeah, I know all of your cousins are staying here. Yes. But you're a divorce kid and you need to leave at two o'clock because your dad's gonna come pick you up and I'm sure he is gonna do great things with you."

And then I'm boosting them up for all these great things. And maybe it's not great at that house, but my kids now have to leave all of their cousins to go to that other house. And again, I can hear your arguments coming through the screen, but you're never going to talk me into it.

Kids deserve to just spend the day with you. Whether that is going to maybe your aunt's house and your mom's house, whether that is just staying at home. Kids deserve to have a relaxing holiday, not be passed around like a potluck. We're not doing that to our kids.

And a lot of the arguments I will always hear is, "But I want to see my kids on Christmas." And of course, little Johnny who's seven is saying, "But I wanna see you, Dad. But I wanna see—" They don't know what it's like to have a split holiday. So of course they're gonna say, "I wanna see both of you." They don't know how it would feel to be relaxed with one parent one day and maybe go see the whole other side of the family the following weekend and space it out.

Divorce kids really only care about two birthday parties and two Christmases. Just wait. Your kid will be fine with it.

Shared Birthdays

Which brings me to my next point that I would never include in a parenting plan: sharing birthdays. Are you kidding me?

We're divorced for whatever reason, and you think we are going to have a coming to Jesus moment at Chuck E. Cheese and work together? And not only split the cost—let's even, we'll argue about what day. Is it my day or your day? We'll argue about location. "Well, I want it here and I want it there." Can you imagine going to your ex's house? They're already with somebody else, but you wrote in your parenting plan that you have to share the child's birthday?

I have read—I'm getting heated—I have read where parents have to go to whoever's hosting that year. They have to go. It says "have to go" to the other parent's party. And I actually got involved with one of my one-on-one clients who went to a co-parenting counselor for her and her ex-husband, and I read the email of the follow-up. And quote:

The counselor said, "Both of you need to just grow up and do these birthday parties together every year, so I will be recommending it to your mediator to write it that way."

Their kid is seven.

No. I'm not sharing a birthday because, again, we're arguing about what day. We're arguing about location. We're arguing about what cake flavor. We're arguing about who can bring presents. We're arguing about who's invited. You don't like my mother-in-law? I don't like your sister. Are we not inviting people?

Isn't this whole day of birthday supposed to be about the child and not the tension?

And here is a news flash for some of you that are new: Your kid is somebody different for mom than they are for dad. From parent A to B, they switch personalities. I don't care who you are, if you don't believe that—welcome, here is the big news of the day.

Your kids react differently to each parent based on their attraction and relationship with that parent. Meaning, what kind of love do I receive from that parent is how I behave and how I act.

And so for a child who's in the midst of a divorce and co-parenting journey to be thrown into Chuck E. Cheese with both people, whose personality will that child pick to adapt to? I will tell you: the high conflict parent. How do I know this? I witnessed it firsthand with my own children. But all of my friends, all my clients—

They're like, "Sam, why did my kid act like a jerk? Sam, why did my kid baby talk? Sam, why did my kid throw a tantrum? They never do that with me!"

Because they were molding themselves to that parent and not you because you are the safe parent.

Again, I could talk about this for days, but today we're talking about the things not to include.

Vague Exchange Information

The next one: vague exchange information. I can't even tell you the number, but it is over 50% of plans that I have read—from attorneys to mediators who suck to just people that are using these basic boring templates. They forget to include: where are we exchanging the children outside of school and activities?

Where are we doing it? And it's amazing to me what the professionals say as to why they left it out. "Well, I thought you'd be able to talk about it."

What? We hired you to talk with us. What would make you think we would pick a location?

And I have had parents who are literally blocks from each other—blocks—argue about who has to drive and drop off or who has to pick up. And we're talking calling lawyers.

Hell, I had a client, oh my gosh—I'm remembering this—I had a client probably six, seven years ago. She had the marital home and he removed himself and he went and lived with like a relative or something for probably close to two years. They got divorced. As soon as their divorce was over—I'm talking divorce got done on a Monday—he bought the house in the backyard, backyard to backyard, on like a Wednesday and became her backyard neighbor.

They would argue about who had to walk their child from home to home, fence to fence. Used lawyers to argue this out. And it's just become so petty, but it becomes expensive. And so this is why we have to have words.

So I wouldn't sign something that has vague language—like, if it doesn't say who's picking up and who's dropping off when school or daycare or extracurriculars are not involved? No. Because we're not gonna figure it out. We're gonna argue about it. We're gonna argue about it. So just put it in.

Phone Calls

Now, this one I can already tell from a lot of my social media posts, this one's going to really poke the bear. I am not including phone calls with my children in my parenting plan.

I said what I said. I won't take it back. You won't talk me out of it. It is what it is. Phone calls are dumb.

Now again, know who my audience is. My audience is a high conflict situation where parties do not get along, whether it be one party or both. They don't like each other. And these phone calls are weapons. They are investigative tools. They are a way to make sure you're home at six o'clock when you're supposed to call. They are a way to investigate who you're hanging out with. They are a way to make sure you have no life because you have to be home to make the phone call. They're a way to see into your home.

And here is the thing. And I've posted so many times about this stuff, but these phone calls in high conflict situations—when it was time for my kids to call their dad: "Hey, call your dad." Okay. That was about as much effort as I put into it. Now, I didn't wanna hear his voice because it made me like, ugh, ache. So I would leave the room or go outside or go do laundry downstairs, and they'd talk and talk and talk, right? Ten minutes, hang up, done. Never really asked what they talked about. Didn't really give a shit. They did their phone call. It was over.

What happened the other direction? Before they were to call me—now again, the kids are with their father—it was a sit down before the phone call happened. "Here's what you're allowed to say. Here's what you're not allowed to share. Here's what you'll ask her. And I'm sitting right here and listening."

So when my children would call me, it was not "Hey, how's school?" "It was good." "What'd you do today, Mom?" "Hey, bud. Did you go outside and play?" "Yeah." "But who's been at your house?"

And it took me the longest time to figure this out because again, I was slow. I didn't know people did this.

So phone calls in high conflict are not good for your children because they get punished, they get scolded, they get literally flashlight to the face like an investigation.

And anybody that doesn't know what I'm talking about, you're not in a high conflict situation. So keep calling each other, do you boo. But for those of us that do have high conflict, these phone calls are torture for our children.

And I had a mom go absolutely crazy on me not too long ago in the comment section and a couple back and forths, and between me and a couple other people, this woman was like, "I have to be able to check on the children. The phone calls I have to have."

And I said a couple things. Number one, I hear a lot of "I's." I don't hear how it feels to be the children. Number two, have you ever thought of what it's like for the children who, if you're the alleged person that makes them feel the safest—which I'm not questioning that, I don't know, that's what you're telling me—can you imagine being in a tragic, abusive situation and hearing the solace, the calmness, the voice of your mother at that point, and just begging for her to come pick you up? How triggering that would be.

Have you also thought about that phone call doesn't do anything? That's just what I commented back.

Tell me how a phone call protects your children. And I'm just gonna give you a heads up: if your children are in an abusive situation, they aren't allowed to be like, "Hey, guess what? I'm getting the shit knocked out of me right now. Hey, guess what? I haven't eaten in three days. Hey, guess what?" Blah, blah, blah, blah.

They're not gonna tell you that because the high conflict person is right there watching their every word. People are delusional if you think high conflict people do not coach your children before these phone calls.

Again, I was slow to the game. I was slow to it. I didn't understand it. I was always wondering like, "Why do you guys act so weird on the phone? Why do you guys ask me so many questions? Why? Like, I'll tell you when we get home. Like, why are you asking?" I was slow to it.

So phone calls? Not including them. If you wanna talk to your kids every day, stay in that shitty marriage. I said it. Stay married. But when you're divorced, you don't get to talk to your children every day.

And if you can't prove they're the big bad monster that you say they are, then your kids are gonna be exposed to the big bad wolf monster that they are. And your kids are gonna have to figure out what they're gonna do with that. And that is their story and their life. And yeah, you're there to help as much as you can, but there's only so much some of us can do about it except for put the band-aids on and teach them that you love them and teach them how to make their voices louder as they get taller.

That is the only thing we can do. And we sit back and we bite our tongue and we wish somebody would hear our kids. We wish somebody would fight for them. We wish the court system would wake up, but they don't.

And these phone calls are torture for not only the parent that knows they're being abused, but also for the children that are being abused. These phone calls are just like an escape for three minutes on the phone only to get beat as soon as you hang up because you said too much.

That's the reality a lot of your kids at the ages of three to 13—most definitely—are living in high conflict situations.

Undefined Extra Expenses

The last thing that I would not include in my parenting plan is a random sentence about splitting extra things, but with no definition of what that is. I'm not including extra expenses if there's no rules and regulation about it, which again is a future episode because money is the root of all evil when it comes to high conflict people.

High conflict people and money—I mean, it is like we could argue over $5. We've argued over a $20 copay with lawyers. Again, I was part of the problem. I didn't know what I was dealing with.

So all of these things right here are just a glimpse of: don't include them if you have a high conflict situation. It's dangerous for you to include them because you think, "Oh, I need this in there for me." Yeah, but remember what I told you in the earlier episodes: Take your glasses off and put theirs on.

They're gonna look at right of first refusal and go, "Aha, got 'em." Same birthdays? "Got 'em." I'm gonna be able to—

You have to think about how your ex will use these things in your parenting plan.

The Masterclass Solution

The Masterclass that I give—it's the way to learn what should be included, how should it be worded, how do I protect myself so that I don't set myself up to have future abuse financially or just straight psychological abuse through the apps and through the phone, and for my children.

This is wisdom here. This is an expert, me talking to you, not only from my own experience, but from my training, but just living this, from coaching people for the past 10 years. I see failure in these seven things. Failure. Clear failure. Proven.

If you include these things, it's almost a guarantee you will regret them because high conflict people don't play by the rules.

If your attorney is making you believe it's standard language, well, we learned in an earlier episode: standard language is not me. It's not what I'm signing. I'm not signing my life away. I'm not signing this garbage. No. Try again. Better yet, I'll do it myself. I'll bring a parenting plan to you, but we're not setting up—

I just had a client who I've coached for two years. Their divorce is taking forever. And partly because they started, it stopped. Started. It stopped. Anyways, that's not this. But she's like, "I think I'm gonna include phone calls, because now we're getting to the end and I just get so nervous that I won't be able to hear from him."

And I'm like, "Don't include the phone calls. Like, please, I've coached you a thousand times." But I'm telling you: your heart is going to speak to you and you're gonna be like, "But I wanna hear my kid's voice."

But can you imagine when you hear that voice and you know it's different, you know it's scared, you know it's sad? I'm gonna tell you right now: it breaks your heart and guilt and shame will stick around in your life even longer.

When your kid is with that parent, they are with that parent. That is their life, their situation. You fix it when they come home. The phone calls won't help. None of these seven things will help.

So make sure you are looking through your parenting plan. You're taking off those glasses of yours from your viewpoint and you're putting on your ex's glasses and saying, "Hmm, how will this hurt me from their perspective?" Because they're gonna come for you because they don't like you. This is high conflict.