Do NOT Put Cell Phones in Your Parenting Plan. Here's Why.
Apr 14, 2026Real quick before we get into it. If your ex's name is anywhere near your kid's phone plan, fix that today. I'll wait.
Okay. Now that we've handled that, let's talk about why I stopped putting cell phones in parenting plans and why I will never go back.
This is not an episode about screen time or what age your kid should get a phone. I don't care about that and honestly it's none of my business. What I do care about is what happens when a high conflict ex gets any kind of financial or legal grip on your kid's cell phone. Because I have seen it play out. I lived it. And I am not letting you walk into that trap without a warning.
The second that phone is in your parenting plan, your ex has a reason to be in your business about it forever. Who pays, who decides on the upgrade, who gets to set the rules, whose line is it under. Every single one of those questions becomes a fight. And if you know anything about high conflict people and money, you already know how that goes.
So here is what I tell every parent who asks me to put it in their plan. Go buy the phone yourself. Get the insurance. Tell your kid it goes everywhere. And never once treat it like a joint decision because it is not. You bought it. You own it. You make the rules.
We talk about what actually happens when your ex bans the phone from their house, why two phones is one of the most selfish co-parenting moves I have ever seen, and why location tracking is so far down my list of things to fight about that I almost didn't mention it. Almost. We also get into the phrase a therapist gave me that I tweaked and still say to my kids to this day when I cannot fight a battle for them at the other house.
Your kid doesn't need two phones. They need one parent who has their head on straight and refuses to make a rectangle the centerpiece of their custody drama. Go be that parent.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:
- Keep It Out of the Plan. The moment cell phones are in your parenting plan, your ex has a legal and financial grip on your kid's most important communication tool.
- Buy It Yourself. You buy the phone, you get the insurance, and you call the shots without needing anyone's agreement or permission.
- The Phone Travels. A phone that can only be used at one house is not a safety tool, it is a control tool, and your ex is the one holding it.
- Two Phones Is Not a Compromise. It is an ego move that makes your kid manage two identities depending on which house they're standing in.
- Location Tracking Is Not the Hill. Your kid's mental health, self-worth, and ability to recognize and stand up to toxic behavior are the only hills worth dying on.
- Your Kid Will Find Their Voice. You cannot fight every battle for them at the other house. What you can do is remind them that when they get taller, their voice gets louder, and they will be heard.
- Be the Calm One. Your kid is going to remember which parent made the phone a whole dramatic thing and which parent just said, take it wherever you go, I trust you.
The Truth Bombs
- "The second your ex has paid for half that phone, they believe they have half the right to hold it hostage. And they will use it."
- "Your kid's phone is their lifeline. A high conflict parent knows exactly what they're doing when they take it. They don't care that your kid is suffering. They care that they won."
- "Two phones is not co-parenting. It is one unhinged parent refusing to let go of control and making your kid pay for it."
- "I don't care if your ex tracks your kid's location at their house. If they want to know where you are in 2026, they already know. That is not the hill."
- "Go buy the phone. Get the insurance. Tell your kid it goes everywhere. And then stop talking about it."
- "Kiddo, when you get taller and your voice gets louder, you will be heard. And if you're not heard, you will make a point to be heard."
- "The hills I'm dying on are my kid's mental health, their self-worth, and their ability to spot crazy from a mile away. A cell phone location setting is not on that list."
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Samantha Boss: We are going to dive into a topic that is touchy. Cell phones. Cell phones for your children. And there's a lot to unpack here. And I am by no means the expert on what is appropriate for children. So don't be coming here for parenting advice about what age should a child have a cell phone and what rules should the cell phone have. That's not what I want to talk about today.
I want to talk about the basics. Okay? Because there's so many subjects we could go down a rabbit hole when talking about cell phones and kids and parental controls. Stalking and following and tracking your children and all said things. There's a lot to cover here, but let's today talk about the idea of who buys the cell phone and what happens when the cell phone is used as a ploy or pawn in the game of co-parenting.
Kids Are Getting Phones Younger and There's a Reason for That
All right, so let's just dive into it. First and foremost, I believe the age that a child is getting a cell phone is younger and younger. I have no control over that. I'm just telling you what I'm seeing, because a lot of parents are truly believing that their kids are in a really harsh situation at the other parent's house and they feel as though that cell phone could protect them.
And I think that's true, especially when landlines are not available anymore. Nobody has a cell phone that stays in the home. Nobody has a wall unit. Although I do think some people are going back to some analog stuff. So I do think the possibilities of landlines coming back could be a thing. Doubt it, but it could be.
But I think parents are worried that their kid is out and about after extracurriculars also without a cell phone. And so I think there is a lot of question of what age do we give a cell phone and should this be in our parenting plan? And I will say, if you've been here for more than a couple years with me, you know that I used to include this in my parenting plan and I no longer do.
Why I Removed Cell Phones From Every Parenting Plan I Build
And I'll tell you why. I don't feel like it's a good fit for high conflict. And the reason I'm saying that is because I don't want any type of parent to have control over the other parent with money. And when it comes to high conflict people, anything about money causes them to lose their fucking mind.
And so if we write in a parenting plan that both parties will split a cell phone, I'm now connected with that high conflict parent over a money situation. And so when we're talking about $1,200 cell phones, you know, for an iPhone, I now have to split that cost with somebody that's paying or receiving child support. So then that whole topic of conversation comes up of like, well, isn't that what child support money's for? And I give you enough and I receive and pay. It gets messy.
Not to mention if both people pay, now both people have a right to that cell phone in taking said cell phone from the child. And then this is where I just start to disagree with a lot of things because I truly believe how my kids acted as 10, 11, 12, 13, and on was not how they acted at their dad's house. They were two different children. They were a certain way with me and a certain way with him. And so while I may have went to him when they were 11, 12, 13 and said, hey, I think they need a phone, he could have been like, absolutely not. There's no way they're ready for a phone. So we're already disagreeing about the age appropriateness of when they would have the phone.
And then like I said, the money conversation would be a whole other tailspin to go down. And then the other thing of like, well, whose line would it be under? Be under my line or his line? Because we don't have a cell phone together anymore. We are not married. We're two different people. So there's just all these little parameters that got really messy.
So I removed it from my parenting plan that I custom build for people. Now, all the time people ask for it to be put in. And this is how I coach them. And I just say this. If you want your child to have a cell phone, go get a fucking cell phone and give it to your child. That falls under parallel parenting. Unless your parenting plan says that you specifically have to determine and agree on what age and what phone and how and the rules and the parental controls and the passwords and the locations and everything has to be talked about in your parenting plan.
Go do what you want to do. Go provide that cell phone. Go get that cell phone. Because the last thing I want to be doing is being money tied to my ex-husband on a cell phone. No way. No how. Again, we would fight over when does the phone need to be updated? When does he need a new phone? What if he breaks the phone? Well, he broke the phone at your house but you didn't get insurance on it. Ugh, gross. Not doing it. Not doing it.
Now again, that means one of you, you probably, since you're on here trying to learn, are going to be the one carrying the financial burden of the phone. That's fine. You're going to learn real quick. If you hang out with me, we will always carry the burden of most things. Financial is just one of them. And so you'll buy the phone, you will get insurance, and the phone will go wherever the child goes.
The Two Phones Problem and What It Does to Your Kid
Now, here lies the problem. What if the other parent gets the child a cell phone and now said child has two phones. And this to me is absurdity. You got too much fucking money if you can do this. You are not living a single typical parent life if you can go buy your kid a phone when they already have a phone. Okay? And you're also putting your ego ahead of your child because you've never stopped to think about what it's like for this child to have to tell their peers, hey, when I'm with these people this is my number. And when I'm with these people this is my communication. This parent lets me have apps. This parent doesn't let me have apps. I can talk after eight here but I can't talk after eight here. Keep track of my custody agreement for my friends? Fuck that. I'm not doing that to my kids.
Now, doesn't mean a high conflict parent won't do that to your kids. And here's where I fall on this. If another parent who you have absolutely no control over decides to get your child a second cell phone, let them. Let them. This is going to come down to your child and them, the other parent, figuring this shit out. Now you as the more competent parent have figured out this cell phone that I bought will go everywhere. It will go to school, it will go to extracurriculars, it will go to grandma's house, it will go to friends' houses, and oh yes, it will go to my ex's house because that's where my child lives half the time.
And you're okay with it? Do you like it? No. It makes you a little cringe. You're a little like, ugh. They're probably looking through the phone, but I can't control that. I've done nothing wrong. Therefore, the phone is just going to be with the child. Wherever the child is is where the cell phone that I bought goes.
But your ex is like, no, that phone is not touching a foot in my house. And that phone stays at your house and you will have a phone over here. I'm telling you, if that's happened to you or will happen, there ain't shit you can do about it other than tell your child, kiddo, I bought a phone that can go anywhere and everywhere. Wherever you go, the cell phone can go. I'm completely okay with it going to school, extracurriculars, grandmas, aunties, friends, school dads. I don't care. Moms, I don't. Wherever you go, that's where that phone goes. It's your phone. It goes. I bought it. I supervise it, but it goes wherever you go. For safety reasons, communication reasons, fun reasons too.
Let's just not call this cell phone thing all about safety and security. It's for fun too. Okay, let's say that the kid wants to have fun. He wants to be on fucking apps. He wants to play some Candy Crush. Okay. Some Minecraft. That's okay, kiddo. I agree. The phone can go anywhere.
Now your other parent only wants their phone to be used at their house. I can't tell that parent what to do at their house. I can't make them allow this cell phone to go over there. That's something you and that parent are going to have to figure out. I can give you some tools and some advice but I can't step over there and say yeah, this parent has to allow this cell phone.
Okay, now again, this is really hard and painful because you have a child here in the middle going, well I don't understand why I can't have a phone at both houses. I don't understand why. Why can't I just have one phone? Well, this parent's paranoid. That's why. This parent obviously wants to track you at my house. So therefore they're not allowing my phone to go in your home. I'm not. I don't give a shit. Right? Like one of you cares about tracking and the other one doesn't.
To me, I had the mindset when the kids are with him, he's competent, he will take care of them. I don't need to know where they're at. Honestly, I don't want to fucking know where they're at. But when the kids are with me it was like, where are they at? What are they doing? Who are they with? Who's there? What does she smell like? How many left turns did she make? We're different. Okay. You usually have one paranoid parent and you have one parent that's like, I'm just trying to fucking survive a Tuesday.
The Hostage Situation, Tracking, and the Hills Worth Dying On
But that high conflict, paranoid parent won't let your kid have one cell phone. They want two, or they forbid the cell phone. That's for you, that kid, and that parent to work out. I just have to stay over here and stay calm, stay cool, stay regulated, give my kids some advice, give my kids some tools and say, kiddo, when that parent comes around, or this is the phrase that I always said with my kids, and this came from a therapist. I tweaked it a little bit to make it authentic to me and my kids, but I always said, kiddo, when you're taller and your voice gets louder, you will be heard.
I'll say it again. Kiddo, when you get taller and your voice gets louder, you will be heard. And that's not me saying go start a fire kid and bitch up a storm to your other parent. No. You're going to get to a point where you will get taller, meaning you will get older. Didn't want to say a number of age because every state is different and I don't know, my 13 year old boy maybe has a different maturity level than my 13 year old girl. I don't know. I'm not going to say a number. But I'm going to say when you get taller, your voice will get louder, meaning you will be assertive, you will say something, you will speak up. And you'll be heard. And if not, you're going to make a point to be heard.
I got to the point where I added that you'll make a point that you will be heard because you will get to a certain height and a level of loudness that you won't stop until you're heard. Now every kid gets there at a different level. Some kids get there at 11, some kids get there at 13. Some kids get there at 23. I'm here for it. I'm along for the ride. It's not my job to speak for them to that other parent. It's not my job to go rescue them in this cell phone situation. I can't. I have no clout at that house. I have no control.
I can send a message that I think this is asinine and ludicrous and selfish and ego talking and is only harming the child where they will read that and go, bitch, that's it. That's the end of that story. It's not going to change. They're not going to read that and go, oh fuck, Sam's right. I didn't even think about how this could be affecting the kid. They knew full fucking well how this was going to affect the kid. They knew full well how that was going to play out. They didn't give a shit that your kid has two phones, two sets of friends to have to tell everything. They didn't care. They cared that your phone didn't make its way into their house. That they proved a point. That's it. That's all they cared about.
So this is happening to you or going to happen to you. You have to preface when you get the kid's cell phone, hey kiddo, I'm going to get you a cell phone and I just want you to know right from the beginning, this cell phone can go anywhere you go. Yes, that includes the other house. It includes I turn off the locations while you're there. I don't care. I give up on that. This is not the hill I'm dying on. I got insurance if it's lost or stolen. I'm good. When you're with that parent, I assume they have location on you somehow, some way. When they come back to me, I can turn that shit off if they put something on that phone because I am the purchaser.
That's not a hill I'm going to die on, fighting a fight in a verbal lawyer battle over a cell phone. There's bigger things like your kid's mental state to worry about. Why do I have a parent that's like yeah the phone can go anywhere and then I have this other parent that's like absolutely not blah blah blah. Don't you think that's a little bit fucked up for your kid to be diagnosing, like what is going on here? Why does one parent like kumbaya and the other parent's like toxic and hateful and rude and paranoid and crazy and resentful and just mean. I don't know. This is where therapy jumps in, right?
But I'm telling you, this cell phone battle of splitting a cell phone, no fucking way. If they bought it or played a part in buying it, they will use it as a toy to say, oh yeah, phone's going to stay here. Absolutely not. If you want to be on your phone then you have to be here. They'll use it as a weapon.
And I'm just going to tell you, once your kids get a cell phone, this is their lifeline. When a high conflict parent holds the phone hostage, these kids will do anything possible to get that cell phone back. Including go stay extra. Go stay longer. Call you a bitch. Call you an asshole. They will do whatever the high conflict parent says to get that cell phone back. I have two adult children who I went through this with. They will do whatever to get that cell phone back. A high conflict parent will try to hold it hostage and use it against them. Well, you know I'd let you have this cell phone but it has to stay here. So if you want it you have to be here.
I'm going to buy a phone next week, kiddo. This phone can go wherever you go. I don't give a shit. I don't care. It goes wherever you go. That whole holding it hostage shit, that's ridiculous. So the cell phone is only for the house when? What? They're gone. They shouldn't be leaving you home alone yet anyway. So it's a toy. I'm not buying it for a toy. I'm buying it so you can have it on the bus coming home from baseball. I'm buying it so when you get held up with tutoring and the tutor didn't show up, you can call and I can come pick you up. Because I thought you were in tutoring and you're not. You're sitting there by yourself. I'll come pick you up. That's why I'm getting you a cell phone. So you feel safety and you can have a little bit of fun during your downtime.
I think you have to be open and honest before the cell phone gets bought. I think you should be the first one to buy the cell phone. I think you should talk to your kids exclusively about how you are not the problem parent about the cell phone. That you're going to track when they're at your house. They can turn the tracking off when they go. I'm showing my kids that. Look right here. Open this fucker up right here. See this app right here, when you're at my house it's on, when you're at dad's house, turn it off. I don't care. I'm not fucking tracking you. If the phone gets lost, the phone gets lost.
He's going to put some kind of fucking tracking device on you anyway when you're there. Or he's going to download an app anyway. And when you get back to my house we can turn it off if everybody wants to.
Here's the bottom line. It's 2026 when this is being recorded. If your ex wants to know where you're at, they're already doing it. They're doing it without your permission. And parents say this all the time, Sam, I don't want the other parent to know what I'm doing. What are you doing Stacy? What are you doing that's so bad that you can't have your ex know? What, were you at a titty bar at three o'clock in the afternoon with your kids? No, probably not. So what, you're going to the grocery store. If they're that psycho, they already know you're at the grocery store. They already know.
Having this big heated moment over a kid's cell phone and tracking, to me, when kids are teenagers, the more people that know where they're at at all times, the better. Because kids do stupid shit. But it's not a hill I'm dying on. I'm not dying on the hill of I have to have tracking. I have to have this, I have to have that. It's 2026, they can fucking smear a gel on the back of your bumper and know everywhere your fucking car goes. They can slide something in your car when you're not looking and they've known your whereabouts for the past three years. You don't know. These things have a battery life for life. I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but if they want to know, they will.
Tracking your kid's cell phone is not the hill I'm dying on. You know what hill I'm dying on? My kid's mental health. My kid's self-worth. My kid's ability to know who's a psycho. My kid's ability to know high conflict. My kid's ability to stand up to high conflict. My kid's ability to have boundaries with peers. My kid's ability to stand up for themselves in a classroom. My kid's ability to know body autonomy. Those are the hills I'm dying on. Cell phone location, not my top 100. It's just not.
And when you have severely high conflict situations, you will figure out that is the least of your fucking worries. Somebody knowing your whereabouts. Good, awesome. Good for you. And you have to change your perspective if that's how they want to live their life. Watching your every move, being paranoid about where you're at, where you're going, what's going on. Let them think about that. That's their life. What's Sam doing? What time did she get there? When did she get back? Where did she go? How long did she go there? How fast was the drive? Get a fucking life. But that's what some people want to do. I'm not going to stop that. I'm not going to try to control that.
I'm just going to talk to my kiddo about safety. I want your location on when you're at school and sporting events. When you're with your dad, turn it off. I don't care. Turn it off. It is not the hill I'm dying on. But when you come back with me and you leave on your own, turn it back on please, because I'd like to know if you're at Stacey's house or Jimmy's house or Sarah's house. So I know where you're at. Keep tabs on you. Because you always forget to text me because that's what you do. You're a teenage boy and you forget to text. So turn your location on. But when you go with your dad, turn it off if you want. If that upsets him that much to where he's that angry with you, turn that shit off. I'll show you how.
Okay? Be the calm, regulated, fucking parent for your child. Be the calm one. I don't know why your other parent goes nuts about that. I'm not. I don't give a shit. I just want you to have a phone so you can call me in an emergency because shit happens every day. That's it. I want you to have a calculator. I want you to be able to play a game.
So there's a bunch of conversations we can have about these cell phones and I only touched on one or two here. You really have to think about the hills you're dying on and honestly stop and ask yourself, how am I showing up for my child for this? Am I showing up as a positive, as not the problem? Or am I showing up as more burden for my child to cope and deal with and write a book about when they're older? Right? That's what we want to avoid. We want to avoid being all the chapters of your child's book that they write about their childhood. We want to be the positive chapters. Not all these negative chapters of, oh, I was the kid with two cell phones. Are you fucking kidding me?
So figure out which parent you want to be. Figure out what hills you want to die on and we can go from there. But two cell phones is not it.
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