"Open Communication" Is the Nicest Way to Say You Have No Protection
Apr 07, 2026Your ex didn't become unhinged overnight. Your parenting plan just finally gave them the tools to show you.
If you have the words "open communication" sitting in your parenting plan with absolutely nothing else around them, you did not write a rule. You wrote a blank check. And your high-conflict ex has been signing their name to it every single day since you both walked out of that courtroom.
This is the episode nobody wants to have because it means admitting that the document you fought for, paid thousands of dollars for, and cried over might be the very thing working against you right now. The communication clause, or the total disaster that exists where one should be, is one of the most dangerous things I see in parenting plans. No response windows. No platform. No volume limits. No defined hours. Nothing. Just "open communication" sitting there like that means something. It does not mean something. It means everything is allowed. And everything is too much.
When your ex sends you 75 messages before noon they are not out of control. They are on schedule. Because nothing in your plan told them they couldn't. That is the part that should keep you up at night.
I get into what this actually looks like in real life when you are dealing with a high-conflict person. It looks like your phone exploding while you are trying to be present with your kids. It looks like a message thread that opens with a simple question and ends with a custody threat forty-five messages later. It looks like sitting across from a judge being called an unresponsive co-parent because you had the audacity to not answer during your own parenting time.
And I get personal because I lived this. I used to run to that phone like I would get struck by lightning if I didn't answer in time. I set a specific ringtone so I would always know it was him. And I still picked up every single time. I genuinely believed I was being a good co-parent. What I was actually doing was surviving. I was managing his emotions at the expense of my kids sitting right in front of me waiting for me to come back to them. And the worst part is I then watched my kids do the exact same thing when they got their own phones because I set that tone. I trained all of us.
That stops when your parenting plan has actual teeth in it. Not suggestions. Not vibes. Rules.
If your communication clause is vague, your protection is vague. And vague does not hold up in court, does not stop the spiral at 6am, and does not give you your life back. Let's talk about fixing it.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:
- The "Open Communication" Trap: If your parenting plan doesn't define how, when, and how often communication happens, you've written your ex a permission slip to harass you.
- Two Messages Is Already the Limit: Anything past two unanswered messages is not urgency. It's a pattern, and patterns need to be in your documentation.
- Business Hours Are Professional, Not Petty: Treating co-parenting like a business transaction is not cold. It is smart, and your parenting plan should reflect structured response windows that protect your time with your kids.
- Vague Language Will Cost You: Words like "reasonable" and "open" are not measurable in court. If a judge or attorney can't define it specifically, it will never protect you specifically.
- Your Parenting Time Is Sacred: Every message your ex sends while you have the kids is an attempt to pull your attention away from them. A strong communication clause shuts that down before it starts.
The Truth Bombs
- "Open communication with no rules is not a co-parenting plan. It's a harassment plan with your signature on it."
- "I used to run to that phone like I'd get in trouble if I didn't. That was trauma. That was not co-parenting."
- "You don't get a sash for being the parent who answers the most. That award does not exist. Stop chasing it."
- "If it's not written in your parenting plan, it's not a rule. And if it's not a rule, your ex will use every inch of that gap."
- "Anything past two messages is harassment. I don't care what they're texting about. If I didn't answer the first two, I'm not answering the next twenty."
- "They don't message you during your parenting time because they care about the kids. They message you because they can't stand that you're living your life without them."
Follow Samantha Boss:
We'd Love to Hear Your Stories!
Have a story or question you want addressed?
This podcast exists because way too many parents are slogging through divorce quietly and thinking they are the only ones dealing with this mess. You can share your story, ask real questions, or send in topics you want broken down without the fluff. Stories can be shared anonymously, and no, this is not legal advice, but honest conversations are where clarity actually starts.
Samantha Boss: We keep talking about a lot of these clauses that are in parenting plans that can be deadly, and one of them, along with the other episodes is open communication language. I mean, I just cringe in thinking this for you, that this could be a possibility. I mean, in this world where we're living in today, where it's so easy to use a parenting app to get it court ordered, I don't know how this isn't happening for everybody.
How are we still leaving these parenting plans so open that says that each party can just openly talk wherever they want, however they want to. The other party. Like this absurdity to me at this point, again, if we're using logic, we're gonna say, okay, parties A and B can't get along. So they hired attorneys, they went to mediation, they couldn't get along. They've tried to work through attorneys, they can't come to an agreement, they've gone to court. They talked ill about each other in court, and now we just think we're gonna ship em out and say openly communicate with one another with no rules. What? Like, that's absurd to me, that would be absurd. If two kids got in a fight in high school and we didn't tell them the rules and regulations around their future communication and how they're gonna conduct themselves in classes moving forward, that would be like not okay. Right. The parents would be like, well what are you doing about this kid? What rules is this kid gonna have to follow now that he's around my kid, he is already hit my kid once and now they have classes together. Can we not change their schedule? Can we not make sure that they're always supervised by adults?
And we would set boundaries right for the kids to where they don't just have free will to go knock each other out again. When we're two parents, it's like, ma'am, I hear you. I see that you're fighting. I see that you can't get along, but we'll leave it to you to just figure it out on your own after you've just paid thousands and thousands of dollars to the attorneys. We don't wanna figure it out. We don't wanna give you rules, but we'll just let you figure it out. No, that is not this, like, I want policies, I want regulations. I wanna know how we're doing this.
No Response Time Means They Never Have to Answer You
So this open communication language with no response times limited or put into it can cause chaos. And what I mean by no response times is when I send a message to the other parent, there's parents out there that never respond, but yet in the same parenting plan we have joint. So I've raised a question because the question was not determined in the parenting plan. It was not made in the parenting plan. So it was vague. So we have to now come together and later determine. So here's me trying to determine something with you. But there's no qualifications for when you have to respond back to me.
And so some of you're like, I don't want parameters on how often I have to talk to them. Sounds cool, doesn't it? Yeah. Except for that fact that you're gonna need communication back to you about said things and so you're gonna wanna response back from them. Also, it goes both ways, every time. That's what you gotta think about, your hat and then take it off and put their hat on. How will this benefit me or how will this hurt me?
Your Ex Has More Than One Way In and Your Plan Covers None of Them
So when it comes to the communication part, we gotta remember that there are multiple ways your ex is coming at you. Let's first talk about the physical. Is there rules in your communication portion that limits how you will conduct yourselves face to face. Are you allowed to just bring up anything in public? Are you allowed to walk up to each other? Are you allowed to be on each other's property? Are you allowed to stand next to each other at a physical basketball, volleyball, soccer game? What does your parenting plan say?
So the physical interaction is one way. We got people from my generation who love to talk on the phone because there wasn't these awesome parenting apps and text messaging. Yes, text messaging was not invented yet. T nine had just started when I went through my divorce, and if you don't even know what that is, I'm old. But we have to get to the point where we are putting down how we're talking to one another. How can you get ahold of me? Can you just call me 19 times in one day? Because there's high conflict exes that will, especially when you don't answer. Can you just waltz up to me and expect a response in public? Can you text me 74 times before noon because I have a client right now who's dealing with that because there's no rules in her parenting plan saying he cannot.
So what will be the stipulations in your communication clause? And it can't just be both parties agree to open communication. Now, again, when I read that and oh, let's add one open, reasonable communication, let's just really dive into those right? Those phrases that we talked about in an earlier episode. Reasonable communication that's not measurable. So you're telling me to have reasonable open communication, but I think reasonable is again, eight to four. I have business hours in my communication with my co-parent. I have business hours. You don't get me during my kid time. You don't get me during my work time. I'll catch you on a break or a shift break or a smoke break. You're not catching me at my nine to five, but you're also not catching me during my kid time. You'll get me when you get me when it's conducive to my schedule.
If your parenting plan doesn't reflect that, then you're getting labeled as a bad co-parent. You're getting labeled as a bad person. You're getting unreasonable. You're so not answering me. You know, I'm gonna take the kids from you because you don't communicate, you don't tell me things, and it's like, I have a job. I also have the kids and they are my priority. They're safe with me. They're sound, nothing that's going on with you and your little text message thread is of any vital importance because the kids are safe with me.
I Was That Parent and I Trained My Kids to Do the Same Thing
But man, how many of us run to our phones every time it beeps. We hear that thing go off in the other room and we're like, kids, I know we were right in the middle of a puzzle, but your dad text me, hold on. And I'm saying that to my former self. Okay, let's just be real. I'm gonna be transparent. That was me. I set his phone to a bark sound. So when he called, because again, calling was it, I would run and jump on that phone and answer it. And what I was doing there was I was training my children to run and answer him every time he calls, so that we weren't a problem for him. Subconsciously, that's what I was doing. Fast forward later when they got phones, that's exactly what they did.
But I set the tone that I always respond because I'm a good co-parent. Look at me, look at me. I get the sash when I get to heaven that I'm the number one co-parent. Probably won't get that, but it's not a thing. All of us are thriving for this sugar cookie sash that doesn't exist. You don't get a pat on the back for being the parent that answers the most consecutively times in your co-parenting journey, you don't get that.
We have this horrible trauma bond that we have to respond right away so we don't get in trouble. If we don't, they'll keep going. It's a training program guys. We have to train them. But it starts with what does your parenting plan say? These messages, I mean, 40, 50 some messages before noon. Are you joking? I wish I was, but I'm not. When they have no filter, they will just keep messaging and messaging. And it's funny, it's like they've talked to themselves the whole time. They'll start out with an easy question. So we always think, oh, this is easy. I'll answer that, but we don't answer it because we're busy or something. And then it's are you okay? What's going on? And then accusatory. Why are you ignoring me? You can't do this. I'm gonna take the kids. And it just escalates through all the messages and by the end of it, it's please, will you just message me back? Because now they can't stand that they don't know what you're doing.
Paranoia and crazy runs rampant in these people. They go from one extreme to the ugly, all in a matter of moments. And they don't stop. Won't stop. They're here for the duration. Their thumbs are exhausted. They need little braces for them.
Your Ex Is Fine Until Their New Partner Is Not
You have to have rules in your parenting plan. And again, I'm gonna preface this by saying if you have a good, respectful person, you're probably sitting there listening like, Sam, my ex is not that crazy. Okay? Now, right now they might not be, but here's where everything will shift when they get with a third party. Your ex moves on to a new girlfriend. Your ex moves on to a new boyfriend. You don't know what kind of crazy that person's bringing to the table. You don't know. They may be the one that snatches that phone and now they started texting 75 times till noon. Prepare your parenting plan to get ahead of that. Protect yourself. You have to be thinking about this open language.
Well, we're gonna have no boundaries, and it's just whenever you need something, message me. Oh, run. I ain't signing that. I want a parenting app. I want something that says we have to respond within 24 hours, but I get 24 hours to respond. I don't have to jump on it like I'm a rat in a cage and I have to go before I get shocked. No, we're not doing that.
These messages during your parenting time, you have the children. They're safe with you. They're alive, they're breathing, they're right there. And here's your ex messaging to provoke you, to distract you, to get you to where you're not parenting, to get you to focus on them. They don't want you relating to those kids and building your relationship. They wanna interrupt that. So they message and they message. And so you're sitting there going, yeah, I'm supposed to be playing with the kids, but look at all these messages coming through. I don't know what I should be doing. Like I'm gonna get in trouble if I don't.
I received 302 text messages from my ex while my kids were with me on January 15th, and I didn't feel obligated to respond. I don't care if it's 23 messages. Anything past two is excessive. Because if I didn't answer you the first two times, guess what? I'm probably not gonna answer you the next 21 times. So hold up until I message you back on the first two. Anything over two is harassment at this point. It's a you problem, not a me problem, and I'm not making it my problem.
Lock It Down Before It Gets Used Against You
So if your ex wants to say I'm taking your ass to court because you didn't respond to me, good. I'm gonna show the court that you messaged me 75 times before noon. Just because I don't wanna respond to your 75 messages doesn't make me a bad co-parent. It makes you somebody that has an issue, which is not my emergency. I wanna focus on the kids.
I'm gonna keep it to two a day. Maybe one or none. But I'm gonna be on an app and I'm only gonna be in writing and I'm only gonna be during my business hours because this is a business transaction at this point. We don't get along, we are not friends, we are not family, we are not cordial. So it's all gonna be documented. Stop talking to me face to face. I will say, I'll hear you talk to me face to face and I'll say, perfect. Put that in the parenting app and I'll respond there.
But this open communication language, no way. I'm not having it written in my parenting plan that they have free reign. When a high conflict person sees that they can have open communication with you in a parenting plan, all that is is harassment. You've given them the green light to harass you, and if lawyers can't see that, point it out to them. If judges can't see that, show them your cell phone bill. Print out a calendar on a huge piece of poster board, and I want you to write in there the calendar of every time you've had the kids. Highlight those days and put real big numbers. How many text messages you receive on the days you have the children. Let them see it.
Anything over two is asinine to me. You have a parenting plan. The answer should be in the parenting plan. So anything outside of that should be an emergent change of schedule or health reason only. When it comes to communication, lock this down. Put business hours, put time of return, put limits on excessiveness. Because it could really do you good to have it in there and it can really do you dirty if you forget it.
A Team Dklutr Production
