The Financial Scars of High-Conflict Divorce
May 14, 2026Okay, let's just rip the bandaid off. I spent an absolute ass load of money on my divorce, and at 47 years old, I'm still working through the damage from financial decisions I made in my early thirties. Not the debt. The trauma.
In this episode, I'm pulling back the curtain on the financial scars of high-conflict divorce that nobody fucking talks about. Because here's the thing: when you're middle class, when every paycheck already has a job, and then you throw in attorney fees, court filings, mediation, and surprise hearings every three damn months, your nervous system breaks. And it stays broken long after the gavel comes down.
I'm getting into why money equals protection in my brain and why no amount is ever enough, even now. I'm telling you exactly how I paid for my six-figure divorce, and spoiler, it wasn't pretty. I'm walking you through the moment my own attorney sued me 30 days after my judgment, why my body still remembers every threat and every motion and every panic, and the ugly shit you'll do to survive (and shouldn't have to be ashamed of). I'm also calling out why rich people's divorces drag on for years while broke people's get pushed through fast, and how a poorly written parenting plan kept me bleeding money for over a decade.
If you're in this right now and you're maxing out credit cards, raiding retirement, or borrowing from family because the system is squeezing you dry, this one is for you. And if you're years out and still can't feel safe with money in the bank? Babe, you're not crazy. Your body is keeping the score.
I'm not a therapist. I'm just someone who lived through it and is finally doing the work to untangle it. So let's talk about it.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:
- Money Becomes My Survival - When I was in my high-conflict divorce, money stopped being money and started being the only damn thing standing between me and losing my kids.
- The Trauma Outlives the Battle - Even decades after my case ended, my body still feels like the next motion is coming, no matter how much abundance I have now.
- My Attorney Was Not My Friend - Read your contract. I learned the hard way that they will sue you 30 days after your judgment if you don't pay. Know the interest rates, the payment terms, all of it.
- A Bad Parenting Plan Will Bleed You Dry - My plan was 4 pages and vague as hell. Every 3 months, another motion. Every motion, more money gone. That's financial abuse on a damn schedule.
- The System Treats You Different When You Have Money - I watched broke people get pushed through the system fast. Then I watched my case drag on because I had a savings account. The system smells money, babe.
- I Did Things I'm Not Proud Of - Maxing cards, raiding my parents' retirement, selling my wedding ring, working three jobs. None of it makes me weak. It made me a parent in survival mode.
- Healing Is a Body Thing, Not Just a Brain Thing - I can logically know I'm safe now. Doesn't mean shit when my nervous system is still bracing for the next attack.
The Truth Bombs
- "Money means I can protect my kids. So if I don't have money, I can't protect my kids."
- "Just when you save enough money, the lawyer takes it. Just when you save enough money, they come after it."
- "My body remembers the score. There is no amount of money in the world that'll make you feel safe when he's constantly coming for you."
- "I had my nose above water for the first time in 10 years. Before that, my whole body was underneath."
- "My attorney sued me 30 days after my judgment was put in. I was just a number to them. A means to an end."
- "I robbed Peter to pay Paul. I did the unthinkable. And I'm not proud of all of it, but I had to."
- "It's amazing how quick the system pushes broke people through and how long it drags rich people out. Make it make sense."
- "Money is survival to me, and I can't live without it because I'll lose my kids if I don't have it. That was a true feeling I carried for years."
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Samantha Boss: All right. It is no secret around here that your girl, Sam, here, spent an ass load of money on her divorce. What is not talked about is the damage long-term that it had on me. I think first and foremost, I am gonna be completely transparent. I, at 47 years old, am still working on the damage from my divorce financially back when I was in my early thirties, meaning I don't still carry debt for my divorce. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the financial abuse I went through. Still has ill effects on me because for me, and maybe this makes sense to you, listening, money means I can protect my kids. So if I don't have money, I can't protect my kids. Now let me unpack that in today's episode, but that's what I'm talking about.
Nobody Talks About the Financial Burden of Divorce
So today I wanna talk about something that almost no one really talks about when it comes to divorce, which is the financial burden. Nobody leads their communication with their attorney and saying like, oh, your attorney's like no big deal. You know, it'll barely cost you anything. No, it's usually a really big topic in your divorce. And your conversations with your attorney is talking about the financial burden that it's going to endure. And I hope all of you are reading your contracts and you know what you're gonna be getting charged. But when you're in the middle class or struggling financially, trying to make ends meet while also protecting your kids, it can fuck you up.
The reality is divorce in a custody battle is not cheap, and the financial scars are long lasting after the case is over. So this is what it feels like when you're in it. And for those of you listening, if you know, you know, for many parents, it feels like every paycheck already has a job. Every paycheck already has a place to go. Bills are already tight. You're also trying to save for those special moments. And then on top of that, you throw in a divorce, and now we have attorney fees, we have court filing fees, we have mediation or other professionals, we have unexpected hearings. So you're constantly asking yourself all the time, like, will I have enough money? Will I ever have enough money? And for me, again, I am years out from my co-parenting and my divorce. But I'm still dealing with how traumatic that financial loss was all those years ago.
Constantly in Battle Mode With No Financial Safety
Constantly in this battle mode, right? When you're dealing with a high conflict co-parent, you never have financial safety because it's constantly being spent. Just when you save enough money, the lawyer takes it. Just when you save enough money, they come after it. When you save enough money, now you have another mediation session. You're constantly worrying about the next thing. So you're constantly tied up with money concerns and if somebody doesn't understand this, like your friends, your family, or new significant others, and they're like, don't worry, I'll help you. No, you don't get it. Just when we have enough, it's going to go away.
When Jared got into my life, I was done for the most part going to court at that point, and I was just getting my head above water financially. I had a savings account again. I had a second job where I was working in MLM and I was making some side money and some spending money, and we had some breathable space. When I say my head was above water, I would say my nose for the first time in 10 years was finally above water. Before that, my whole body was underneath water, but I finally had my nose above water. He couldn't understand this concept of why I was constantly trying to save or constantly penny pinching or constantly couponing or constantly just building my savings up.
And I kept saying, Jer, I call him Bear, bear. No matter what. We have to have a savings because he's going to come. He always comes, he always files. He always motions for something and I have to have enough money for a lawyer. Mind you, I was still paying off my first lawyer, but I always had this mode of be prepared for battle, be prepared for battle, be prepared for court. Always have enough money saved for a down payment or a retainer of attorney. And that is just like this armor that I had built around me. That money meant that I could protect my kids and no amount of money was the right amount. And you guys, I do really well in my job. I still am battling this now of like, no amount of money is enough because you never know when he is gonna come for you.
The Psychological and Body Trauma of Financial Abuse
That's the psychological abuse I was enduring all those years, and I didn't understand it because I was in such fight or flight mode during that process. I didn't understand how much money was going out the window and how poor I really was, and how much I was struggling to pay bills. And I was, you know, stealing from my neighbors. I was stealing wifi and stealing things from them to like survive in my household. And like I did all these ugly, gross, disgusting financial decisions to provide for my children. And it's hung with me for decades because I didn't recognize it when it was happening, and I didn't get help for it until now.
Even when I'm making money and there's no concern of threats anymore, it's done. That trauma is still there. And no one talks about this. No one talks about that financial trauma that you go through when someone continually threatens you and it never stops. And you get a lot of your friends and family are like, just enjoy your life. You know, go on the trip, spend the money, and you're like, I need money for an attorney. I need to be able to defend myself. I need to be able to protect my kids. So money stops the feeling of security, like I can't feel secure with money. Those two things don't go together. I don't feel comfort with money. I don't feel stable. Money is survival to me and I can't live without it because I'll lose my kids if I don't have it. That was a true feeling I had that if I didn't have money, I would lose my kids.
So surprise to me was even after all these custody battles were over for me. That scar just didn't disappear. It hung with me. So even though I'm able to talk about my journey and talk about this, I still had money blocks years, decades later, because money just had this connection to protection and no amount was enough because no amount of protection was enough. That's just a really, it is not even embarrassing to say, because I know you listening are feeling the same way that no amount of money is ever enough, and it's a lot of the reasons why you get blocked from having your next relationship because you feel like number one, is somebody gonna be able to deal with the amount of money I have to spend on attorneys? Number two, is somebody gonna understand my theories around money that I have to save, save, save, and conserve because of the just in case moment, I'm not living by the moment, I'm saving for the moment all the time. And you don't want anybody to have to take on the debt that you have from this divorce and being able to pay it off with you.
So it is a roadblock that nobody talks about and it's really frustrating to me, but I'm working through it now because my body is what's held onto it. So now, all those years that are behind me, I can logically see it differently, but my body still feels a certain way and I'm in real time when I'm recording this, working through it with therapy of getting my body to feel safe with a certain amount of money, instead of being like, oh, that's not enough, that's not enough, that's not enough. That is enough. I'm comfortable. I am safe. My kids are grown, my battle is over, but my body remembers the stress. So even though my brain can logically look and be like, we have abundance, we're fine. My body still feels like, but he could come. He could come and you better be ready. And that is a horrible thing to feel.
Even when I knew we were done, back when I was co-parenting, and I'm like, eh, you know, the last kid went out, like we were pretty much settled. We just gotta ride this out for a couple years, my body was still remembering the score, right? That book is a phenomenal book. The Body Keeps The Score, and my body had been trained on that. There is no amount of money in the world that'll make you feel safe because he's constantly gonna be coming for you. And the part about this also is that nobody really understands. The fear that money brings you, like when you don't have it, there's a fear that takes over when you don't have it, you go into this ugly survival mode and you will do things that your friends and family will be like. You did that? Yeah, I had to. I had no money. You'll contemplate doing illegal things because of the money.
How I Actually Paid for a Six-Figure Divorce
It's one of the most popular questions we get is, Sam, how did you pay for a six figure divorce? I'll tell you, maxed out credit cards. Parents dove into their retirement funds, which I'm still paying them back. It's one of those things where I robbed Peter to pay Paul. I did the unthinkable. I got different jobs. I was distracted by selling things or having garage sales. I did a lot of stuff to help pay for my kids' sports that I'm not proud of and or creative things that I am proud of. You do a lot of things to survive this, but it was not pretty. I had a savings account when I got divorced sure as hell. Sold things, sold my wedding ring, sold a whole bunch of things to make sure that I could provide because money meant protecting my kids.
So I'm telling you, if you're going through this right now, even once you get through this, that scar may still be there and I'm no therapist, but it is something you really gotta pay attention to because again, my journey is over. My co-parenting journey is over. My business is doing well. We have abundance, but I still have a trigger with money of there never being enough because of the way my body feels that it's never enough. When I see a number, it's not enough because it wasn't enough for a decade, couple decades. And so it's really heavy for you to talk about this with people that just don't get it. I get it. Your therapist will hopefully get it, but you have to start making small shifts in getting your head wrapped into the idea that you need money for your divorce. You need money to raise children. But you also need to have some sanity with it as well. And not make it a consumption like I did, where I was constantly working, constantly trying to earn money, constantly. Even when there was nothing going on. In my case, I was constantly burdened with trying to find enough money, money, money, money, always, because again, money meant safety to me.
So a small shift that helps is preparation. Okay, maybe I have a couple thousand dollars saved. I'm good coming up with a strategy, documenting what's going on in your case to where you can maybe see like, will I have to file? Oh, I don't have enough money saved yet. Maybe I'll save a little bit more. Then I'll go file for a modification or a contempt, but also just making sure your parenting plan is working for you as well. Does it say anything about extra expenses that they have to help on? Does it say details around child support and when it's due and how it's due and all that? Making sure anything tied to money has details around it in your divorce. It's not up in the air for questioning or determining or interpretation, like it clearly says when money is due and when it's not due. But also the other half of this is working with your attorney on your bill and understanding what does your contract say.
Because if you've been here a while, you know that my attorney sued me 30 days after my judgment was put in. So while I was reeling with the idea that we just spent all this money and eight days in court, we got handed 50/50, which is what we were already doing. So to me, we spent all this money for nothing. We got handed 50/50. 30 days later, my attorney sued me for the remainder of my bill, which was roughly $13,000. And I had to pay it within I think seven days or I was going to jail. Yes. And I didn't have $13,000. I didn't fucking have $200. So to me, you really have to understand what your contract says with your attorney on how you will pay your bill. Is there interest? What are your payments? What about when your case is over? What does it look like? So my traumas aren't just from my divorce and my ex-husband, it's also from my attorney's office on the person that represented me for years. Within 30 days, I was just a number to them. A means to an end, and that's it, which created even more trauma around my financial abuse.
Healing the Financial Scars and Protecting Your Kids From Yours
So for me, divorce and custody battles also take a huge financial toll on you, and you need to have the ability to understand it's emotional scarring that's gonna happen around money over time, that you are gonna have to untangle along with making sure your kids don't have those same financial scars because of the scars you went through. So a part of healing and recognizing those patterns is giving yourself permission to slowly rebuild a healthier relationship with money, stability, and security, because you don't want that to bleed into your kids.
So other episodes that would be helpful for you would be Episode 9, where we talked about child support not being the only expense. Then also Episode 21, where we talked about hiring the right kind of attorney and knowing all those checks and balances that you really need to look through. So if you're in the middle of a high conflict divorce and custody situation, one of the most important ways to protect yourself financially is to structure your parenting plans that you are not constantly being drug into court.
So again, my parenting plan was four pages long. We had to go in and out of court to fix it, edit it, update it, and that cost money each and every time we went back. So just when I think, okay, we got that taken care of, woo. Start saving for the next time because without doubt, three months later, three months later, it was always within three months, he would file a new motion. Our parenting plan would be horrible. We'd ha something wouldn't be mentioned and we'd have to file again, which is more financial abuse, more financial burden, more finances going out the window. It was just this chaos for years because my parenting plan was written so poorly. Now again, did I have to go to court all those times? I mean, yeah, he was the one filing the motions. I could have just been like, well, whatever you want, well, whatever you want. I chose to go into battle and to not give into his motions because I didn't think that's what was best.
So a lot of it is making sure you understand by education, what your parenting plan can do for you and not work for you. But then also really thinking about should you be asking others to help you with this financial burden? I was fortunate enough, I had parents that were willing to cash in part of their retirement to help me. Did they take a financial hit for that? Yes. Yes, they did. And so I am having to, for my own guilt and shame, pay them back because that's what I can do now, but I couldn't do that for a couple decades. And so maybe you're asking your friends and family to help you out financially because it is burdensome what this divorce will do to you.
The System Is Rigged Against You If You Have Any Money
You know, and I'll just say this at the end, it always impresses me how long rich people's divorces drag out years, right? It impresses me when there's one party that has money, how long this will drag out. I used to work at a nonprofit to help the lower income families with mediation. It's amazing how quick their divorces get over. It's amazing how quick the system pushes them through when they have no money. Maybe there's something there. Maybe it means when you have money, people in the system like lawyers and judges and mediators and all that, see that you have money just a little bit. We're not talking millions. We're talking just a savings account and they make sure you don't end that divorce with that savings account.
But it's amazing to me how two people living off the state and have no means to ends, their divorces get through pretty quick. And I'm not saying that's a hundred percent accurate statement, it's just my experience with working at a low income mediation service for free pro bono to help those clients out because they deserve to have mediation as well. How fast those got through the system versus when one party has a little bit of coin, all of a sudden now we're dragging it out and nothing can be settled and determined. So food for thought, really think about why your divorce is being drug out. Why is it taking so long? And for some of you it's because the people in your case also know you can pay the bill.
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