Why You Should NEVER Ask Your Kids to Choose in a Parenting Plan
May 26, 2026Stop fucking asking your kids what they want in the parenting plan. There. I said it. We're talking about why this "loving" little question is actually one of the most damaging things you can do to your child during a divorce. I know, I know. You think you're being fair. You think you're being inclusive. You think it's loving because "it's about the kids." Bullshit. What you're actually doing is dumping a grown-ass adult decision on a tiny human who should be worried about Lego sets and sneaking extra Cheez-Its.
In this episode, I'm breaking down the six biggest reasons this "loving" little gesture is actually screwing your kid up. We're talking about how it puts them in the middle, how high conflict exes will manipulate the hell out of this opportunity (and yes, your ex WILL do it, stop being naive), and how kids will choose the parent with the iPad over the parent with structure every single time. I also get into why your kid might shock you and pick the high conflict parent, the people-pleaser pipeline this creates, and the messy validation-seeking trap parents fall into when they ask their kids "Did you miss me? Do you love me more?"
Listen, your kid's job is to be a fucking kid. Not a messenger. Not your therapist. Not a tiebreaker in your divorce. If you can't make decisions without your six-year-old's input, that's not a kid problem, that's a YOU problem. And if you're sitting there thinking "but my kid is mature for their age," I've got news for you. They're still a kid. Be the adult.
I share a real client story about a birthday party that went sideways, talk about why "what's familiar" is what kids will always pick, and give you the only acceptable way to handle this without traumatizing your child. Plus, when (if ever) it IS appropriate to start asking for their input.
Stop outsourcing your parenting to your kids.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:
- Your Kid Is Not Your Co-Parent - Children should never be put in the position of choosing custody schedules, holidays, or living arrangements because that's an adult job.
- High Conflict Exes Will Manipulate - If you give a high conflict person an opening to influence your child's "choice," they will exploit it every single time without hesitation.
- Kids Choose Comfort, Not Best Interest - Children pick based on iPads, snacks, and short-term rewards, not stability or what's actually good for them long-term.
- Asking Creates Broken Promises - When you ask your kid what they want and the court decides differently, you've set them up for disappointment and broken trust.
- Validation Seeking Is a You Problem - If you're asking your kid "do you love me more?" that's your unhealed shit, not your kid's job to fix.
- The People-Pleaser Pipeline Is Real - Kids forced to manage adult emotions grow up to be chameleons who marry narcissists and forget who they actually are.
- Familiar Is Not the Same as Best - Kids will always pick what they've always known because that's all they know, not because it's what's healthy for them now.
- Be the Adult, Period - Your child's only job is to be a kid; your job is to protect them from having to make choices they were never supposed to make.
The Truth Bombs
- "You chose to have them, you get to pick. This whole idea of asking them, we're not doing that."
- "Your kid's job is to be a fucking kid. To worry about what Lego set they're asking for, not what custody schedule works best."
- "High conflict people manipulating kids is their middle name. Get with it. This is who they are."
- "Don't ask your kid to fill your fucking tank. If you wanna feel good about yourself, go do something."
- "She's a kid and you're an adult. Be the adult in her life and take care of it yourself."
- "Kids will choose comfort, not what's in their best interest. The parent with the iPad wins every time."
- "It's not your kid's job to pick between two parents. It's your job to protect them from having to."
- "When a kid doesn't know what something looks like, they'll pick what's familiar. That's not a real choice, that's survival."
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Samantha Boss: All right, this one we're gonna talk about kids. So trigger warning, I'm probably gonna upset you because I'm just gonna say it right from the beginning. You should never be asking your kids to choose your parenting plan options. And I know right now there's somebody sitting there listening to this saying, "Well, I think that's stupid because it's for my kids and I want my kids to have input."
But this is honestly one of the biggest mistakes I keep seeing parents make early on in the process. And it feels innocent at first. I know when you're doing it, you're like, "Well, I want, it's about the kids, so I want the kids to feel included." And you almost feel like it's a loving little thing for you to do, right? You want to include them. But it puts the child in a position they were never, never supposed to be in, picking their life. You chose to have them, you get to pick. This whole idea of asking them, we're not doing that.
Why Parents Do This
So why do parents do this sometimes? And again, you would be surprised amongst your divorce friends, if not you, who is doing this. And I guarantee if you're not doing it, your ex may, may as well be doing it. And I think you probably think, no, they wouldn't do that. Yes, they would. Especially if they're starting to show signs of high conflict.
So why do parents do this? They think they wanna be fair. They want the child to feel heard. They think they're trying to reduce conflict. And I'm just gonna throw one in here real quick also. They probably think that their kid's gonna pick them. And I think some of y'all are gonna be surprised that most kids who have dealt with high conflict personalities will typically pick the high conflict personality. The child may wanna validate that person and choose them. So you might screw yourself when you ask your kids this question. But it really shouldn't be about what the child wants. It needs to be about the child's wellbeing.
It Puts the Child in the Middle
Why is this such a huge problem? Asking your kids, "Well, what visitation schedule do you want? What do you wanna do for your birthday with your other parent" and putting them in this decision making mode? First and foremost, it does put the child in the middle. You can say you're just asking for their input, but what you're doing is putting the kid in the middle.
Both parents asking, "Well, where do you wanna go? Where do you wanna spend the night? Who do you wanna stay with more?" That is pressure that your child has to choose. And your child, because they're such an innocent, young, loving human being, will know their body will tell them that they're hurting one of you by picking one, the other one. They know that. They know they're hurting one parent if they say, "Yeah, I wanna live with dad more. I like it at mom's."
Why would you want to make your child feel anxiety or guilt or emotional distress about that? So stop asking them. It puts them in the middle and that is not their job. You know what their job is? To be a kid. To worry about what Lego set they're asking for for their birthday. To worry about if their neighbor friend is outside yet or not. To worry about if they can sneak in and grab another handful of Cheez-Its and you don't notice. That's what they should be worried about.
Kids Will Choose Based on Comfort, Not Best Interest
Kids will choose based on comfort, not on best interest sometimes. So the parent with the iPad might get chosen, buys them more, might get chosen, plays with them more, also might be chosen. The parent that hits their love language, they might choose that parent.
So the result then would be decisions aren't based on structure and stability or fairness for both parents if both parents are equal good party people, like they have nothing wrong with them, right? It'll be based on a short-term reward system based on the child's brain of like, "Ooh, shiny object. Ooh, squirrel. Oh, this parent promised me. Oh, I think I like the dog over here better than the cat over here." That's not how we let kids pick.
It Opens the Door for Manipulation
This is the biggest one I think. It opens the door for manipulation. High conflict people, this is their middle name, guys. Get with it. This is who they are.
If they see there is an opportunity to manipulate the child into doing what they see best on it, they will be on that so fast. They will start influencing the child. They will start shaping the child's brain into, "Hey, you know, if you stay over here, you're gonna get a brand new pickup truck when you turn 16. Hey, if you just tell your other parent that you wanna live with me more, I'll get you a brand new iPhone when you turn 12." Parents do this, and I think some of you just really need to wake up. You may be thinking, "No, my ex would not do that. They would not stoop to that disgusting level." All day long, Steve is doing that all day long.
And roll reverse it if you need to because both parents who are weak-minded and high conflict will manipulate a child for their own personal gain, having no idea the damage they're doing to their kid. And again, doing all of this manipulation puts your child as the messenger to go back and forth. So then again, the child becomes this tool inside of a co-parenting situation, which is just not right. And then that kid becomes a people pleaser, and then that kid goes on and marries what? A narcissist later. We gotta stop this pattern, you guys.
It Creates Confusion When Reality Doesn't Match
If we ask our children what they want in the parenting plan, it creates confusion and the reality doesn't match it. So if you ask your child what they want, but then you're like, "Okay, you wanna live with me five days out of the week and you only wanna live with your other parent two." And then the judge is like, "Nope, fifty fifty."
What's that gonna do to your child? Is your child gonna feel unheard, misled, damaged of trust? Because you asked them, the child said, "Well, I wanna live with you most of the time and just see the other parent every once in awhile." But then they got handed to fifty fifty. Why did you do that? Why did you set that kid up to get so disappointed?
Sometimes we have good intentions. We didn't know that wasn't gonna be listened to. We went to court, we said, "Hey, the child said me five days and that person only two." But then the judge is like, "Nah, I don't see either one of you being better than the other, so fifty fifty it is." And now that kid is fifty fifty. Don't set your kid up thinking that if they have this opinion that that's gonna be heard. If any of you are new here, family court system does not work like that. So don't be talking to your kids being like, "Oh, I'll make that happen." Don't make broken promises because it'll be egg on your face real fast.
It Forces Kids Into Adult Decisions
It forces your kids into adult decisions. Your kid should be focused on sneaking in and getting another pack of fruit snacks or maybe sneaking out and riding their bike around the block after bedtime. Not this whole like, "Okay, kiddo, how do you wanna celebrate your birthday? All right, where do you wanna wake up on Christmas morning?" These are not decisions your children should be making.
I had a case like this a couple months ago where one of my one-on-one people, her child wanted to have a birthday party together and the child was adamant. The child was like 10, 11, adamant. They were just starting their divorce and the parents went and said, "Well, what do you wanna do for your birthday?" "Well, I wanna party together. I want both mom and dad there."
Now, mom and dad are in high conflict, horrible case, fighting, arguing, in counseling, co-parenting counseling together. It's not pretty. It's not good. It's not cordial. We're not even on speaking terms. We're only using an app. This is not good to have a birthday party, right? But this child only has known birthday parties together for 10 years. What's familiar is where they will go. When a kid doesn't know what something looks like, they're gonna say what they're used to. And here's the deal, you don't have to have a birthday party if the other parent's having one. These are not child's decisions.
Parents Seeking Validation Through Their Kid
Parents start seeking validation through their kid, and this is the weakest one. This is the one where I'm telling you if this is why you're asking, you need some help. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that to be truthful. You need to hear it.
If you're somebody that constantly says, "Did you miss me? Did you think about me? Do you wanna be with me? Do you wanna stay here longer?" Those are not neutral questions. Those are, "I feel bad about myself and I want my child to make me feel better." That's what that screams. Your child should not feel your inadequacies and your weaknesses and your vulnerabilities and the stuff that you need to work through.
You don't go into a divorce being like, "Oh, I'm healed now that I got a divorce." No, you have to do some work. Some of it goes back to childhood, some of it goes back to decisions that you made that you haven't forgiven yourself for. But what your child's job is not is filling your tank back up with your validating seeking questions. If you wanna feel good about yourself, go do something. Don't ask your kid to fill your tank.
High conflict people do this like the day is long. They will ask their child, "Who do you wanna live with more? Who do you love more? I know you wanna spend Christmas with me, right?" They word the question to where the child has no out, has no way to say that they don't wanna do that because of the way the question is worded. It's not neutral.
The result is the parent feels better temporarily while the child is left going, "I am responsible for the way this parent feels." Some kids grab onto that and go, "You know what? It's my job to make sure mom feels whole. It's my job to make sure dad knows I love him." That's not your child's job. That's your job, not your child's.
Some children will jump into that. But then you know what they become? People pleasers. And they're so worried about making sure you're okay that they forget who they are. They just chameleon themselves through life and adapt and attract to whoever's in their life right now and they don't even know who their true self is because they've spent their whole life making sure other people are happy. How do I know this? I was one of those former people. I've raised children like that. So you have to make sure you get ahead of this and fill your own bucket so your kid doesn't have that job.
What To Do Instead
Children are not meant to make these parenting decisions. They're not meant to manage your emotions. They just need structure, not choices in this area. So what to do instead?
You create a clear parenting plan. You're smart, you're savvy, you know your kids, you know your future, you know what you want it to look like. Make the choices, make decisions, get an education, take my masterclass and know the ins and the outs, the times, the things that are best.
Let the child just be a child, even when that other parent is not letting them be that child. There will be a time when your kids are older and they will be more mature and you'll be able to ask those questions. But it's not usually at the very beginning of a divorce and it's definitely not when your children are young.
We gotta let these kids grow and get a frontal cortex and start thinking on their own and start listening to their own type of music and start wearing those different kind of clothes and start asking for different haircuts. When you start noticing they have decision making about how they feel, look, smell, act, their friends circle, that may be a time where we start asking some more input on some things, not all.
But I have parents out there right now asking a six-year-old what they wanna do on Christmas morning and letting that child feel as though they have an input. And I know somebody right now is listening going, "Well, you don't understand. My six-year-old is like a 16-year-old. My six-year-old's like a 26-year-old. She's an old soul." She's a kid. She's a kid and you're an adult. Be the adult in her life and take care of it yourself. It's not your kid's job to pick between two parents. It's your job to protect them from having to.
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