Why You Should NOT Do Joint Birthday Parties in Your Parenting Plan
May 28, 2026The joint birthday party isn't for your kid. It's for the photo.
Sit with that. Because that's the brutal truth nobody is willing to say out loud. You're not throwing it because your child needs it. You're throwing it because YOU need to look like the bigger person, and your kid is just the prop.
In this episode I'm telling you why writing joint birthday parties into your parenting plan is one of the worst things you can do. I share a real client story that will make your stomach drop. A co-parenting therapist literally ordered my client to throw a joint party with her ex during their four-year divorce. They fought over the cake. The gift. The haircut. The guest list. And yes, the helium balloons. That is where high conflict co-parenting takes grown adults. To a fight about helium balloons in front of an eight-year-old.
Here's the part nobody wants to hear. Your kid does not want both of you in the same room. Ever. Ask any adult child of high conflict divorce. You think you're giving them a gift. You're handing them an anxiety attack with a candle on top.
I get into the five reasons joint parties always blow up, what your kid actually wants instead, and the one piece of tea I learned the hard way that nobody tells divorced parents. Plus the part that's gonna sting. When you signed those divorce papers, you gave up your right to be at every major event. Sit with it.
Listen now. Then thank me in three years when you're not legally trapped in a clause that ruins every birthday for the next decade.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:
- Don't Write Joint Parties Into Your Parenting Plan - You can always do one later if things improve, but you can't undo a clause that locks you into forced togetherness.
- Conflict Shows Up Fast - High conflict couples will fight over the cake, the gift, the guest list, the haircut, and yes, even the helium balloons.
- The Money Fight Is Inevitable - One parent pays for everything, the other says they'll pay back, and then doesn't, and now you're fighting about a balloon arch.
- Your Kid Feels The Tension - Children freeze, fawn, or shut down when two hostile parents share a room, and your kid's birthday becomes the worst day of their year.
- The Other Parents Get Awkward - Suddenly your child's birthday party is the gossip of the school pickup line and your kid is the storyline.
- Performative Co-Parenting Fools Nobody - Especially not your kid; they can spot the fake nice from a mile away.
- Always Celebrate Before The Actual Day - Be the first party, be the first gift, because your high conflict ex will ruin it if you let them have first dibs.
- Never Split The Actual Day - Your child does not want to be packing up at 3pm to go to the other house in the middle of their party.
The Truth Bombs
- "Do not write in what you do not want to do."
- "Your kid does not want two people who shouldn't be around each other thrown together on their birthday in front of their friends."
- "When I tell you that people will fight over helium balloons, they will."
- "The last thing your kid wants is your parents to be around each other. Ask any adult child of divorce."
- "Always celebrate earlier than the birthday. Be the first party. Be the first gift."
- "It's not a competition. It's not a race. It's not 'I have to do what they're doing.'"
- "Two cakes, two parties. Come on. What kid wouldn't love that?"
- "Anybody can throw the party. But who actually knows the gift your child has been quietly hoping for?"
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Samantha Boss: Why should you not be doing a joint birthday party and writing it into your parenting plan? Well, I'm just gonna tell you right now, it's not what you're gonna wanna do long term. This is a very unpopular saying. Do not write in what you do not want to do. And so many parents think, "Well, this is what's best for kids is to have a joint party."
No, it's not. Your child, as they see how this is gonna play out in your divorce and how co-parenting's gonna go, the last thing this kid wants is a joint party. If you wanna do it, you do it on your own. You don't write it into your parenting plan. So if there's this off chance that three years from now, you and your ex are getting along really well, awesome. Go have a joint party. But if you and your ex are not, there's nothing in your parenting plan that says you have to do this.
The Co-Parenting Therapist Story
I had a client who was trying to get divorced for four years. She went to co-parenting counseling because it was court mandated. She got to sit an hour every week and listen to her ex tell her what a big piece of garbage she was. This co-parenting counselor then said, after years of co-parenting therapy, and I quote, "You are doing this birthday party together because you're not gonna be able to have the kid party without inviting him." The co-parenting therapist ordered them to do a party together.
I'm just gonna tell you how that went. Piss poor. And we're gonna get into why it went piss poor in this episode. So again, we are not doing a birthday party together. At least we're not writing it into the parenting plan.
Why Parents Think This Is a Good Idea
So why do parents think this is a good idea? They think in their non-divorced mind that this is what's best for kids. So you already know what's best for kids even though you haven't done it yet. No, this is so wrong. We should do it together for them, that it's normal to ask co-parents to do this. It's normal on TV. It's normal on that one wacky friend that got divorced and her and her husband live by each other. That's not normal for us because we don't like each other and we don't get along.
But parents think they're doing this for their kid. When deep down, my kids who are now adults are part of my business. They give feedback. One of the things they will say every time is that the last thing they wanted was for their parents to be around each other. You take a kid's birthday and you throw two people that should not be around each other on that kid's birthday in front of his peers, in front of friends and family. That's not what that kid wants. You think it is, but it's not. And you think because you can behave, you're putting your expectations on your ex who we all know won't keep their stuff together.
Conflict Shows Up Fast
First and foremost, why this creates problems doing this together? Conflict shows up fast. The personality differences, the tension, who are we inviting? Who are we not inviting? Disagreements over the details.
For example, when this client of mine and her ex were trying to divorce for four years, they fought over the cake. They fought over the gift, the big gift. The timing of, "Well, are we doing it during dad's weekend or mom's weekend?" The guest list. He didn't want her family invited. They fought about what the kid would wear, and then they fought about when the haircut was gonna be given to the child before the birthday party. It was insanity trying to plan a birthday party that mom didn't even wanna do together. She was like, "I won't even have a party. I'll do a cake. I'll do a cupcake at a restaurant, tell them happy birthday and be done with it."
The Money Fight
The money fight. When I tell you that people will fight over helium balloons, they will. Who contributes more? Who pays? It's always one parent who will pay, and the other parent's like, "Oh, pay you back." And then they get there and like, "Well, I think that's stupid. I don't want to pay for that. I think that's dumb. I didn't want it. Cake is all they needed."
Because let's be real, when's the last time high conflict people were really planning much of anything? They're great for that Instagram pic. They'll show up, snap a few pictures, act like they've done all the work and take all the credit, but they aren't doing the work, so they don't even know how much a birthday party costs.
The Child Feels The Tension
The child feels the tension. When you do these birthday parties together, your child is like, "I don't know which energy or personality to bring to this birthday party because when I'm with mom, I am this type of personality. And when I am with the other parent, I am this type of personality." And I don't know which personality to show up as because I feel really comfortable with this parent, but this parent has never seen me act like this before.
They freeze, they fawn, they go into shutdown mode, and then the parents walk going, "Why aren't you smiling? Why aren't you talking? Did you go over and say hello to your uncle?" And the child's like, "I don't know who to walk to first because I don't know who to please first."
I remember the very few times that my ex-husband and I were in the same room, usually around sporting events, my children were like head on a swivel. My daughter would just be like frozen, waiting for the explosion to happen. Her friends were like, "Hey Joe, come over here." She was like, "I can't leave my parents because all may break loose if I leave this circle." That's not any way for a kid to feel on their birthday.
The Other Parents Feel Awkward
The other parents will feel awkward. In the south, parents come to birthday parties. So when you have a birthday party, parents typically come. Can you imagine that show of here's two midst of divorce. He's got a new boo. I've got a new boo. There's four parents here now for this one child and all these parents are like, "Who's that? Oh, well, do they get along?"
And now you are the conversation piece about the birthday party instead of it being about your child. I just don't like it. It's icky. It's gross.
The Performance
It becomes a performance. You know who I'm talking about. Your co-parent that shows up and just performs like Academy Award. We're talking, you don't even recognize this person. They are such a good parent. They're cutting up cake. They're picking up wrapping paper. They're putting a little bow on little Johnny's head and you're like, "Who are you and where have you been hiding?"
It's the good role. It's this performance. And you know who can call that out a mile away? Your kids. Your kids can see when you fake nice to each other.
What Your Kids Actually Want
The truth about what your kids really want is they just wanna have a good birthday. They want their friends to come and celebrate. They want their families from both sides, which means you may have to have separate celebrations.
Kids want separate celebrations. Either they want them because they look forward to having two parties or maybe it's unfamiliar to them and you have to introduce it to them, but each parent should be able to have their own party at their own time. If your kid's birthday's on a Tuesday, you're not celebrating on a Tuesday anyways. You're having the party on the weekend. So if you're in a divorce setting, your weekend, have the party. The following weekend when your ex has the kids, they can have the party. It doesn't have to be together.
Always Celebrate Before The Actual Day
This is your tea. Always celebrate earlier than the birthday. Be the first birthday party. Be the first gift giver. Be the first. I'm telling you right now, high conflict people will ruin that as quick as they possibly can. So celebrate half birthday, celebrate the whole two weekends before. I don't care, but celebrate early. You've been warned.
Create New Traditions
No more are we doing this big party. These big parties where you're spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on cake and decorations and it's a baseball party, it's a trampoline party, it's an ice skating rink party. Just have your kids over to play in the yard for free and have some cupcakes that are boxed from Betty Crocker and be done. This over elaborate money spending spectacle, please, let's start a new tradition where we don't do that anymore.
Smaller, more intimate. Maybe you go stay a night in a hotel, a cheap hotel. All your kids care about is a pool anyways. Maybe you just stay home and do a scavenger hunt. Maybe you have a yes day. All the ideas possible besides having this big, huge tension, oriented birthday.
Do Not Split The Day
This is non-negotiable. If you follow me, then this is non-negotiable. All of you that are like, "I deserve to see my child on his birthday." No, you don't. You got divorced. You got divorced. That's reason number 723 why divorce is hard. You don't get to see your kid on major events. Birthday being one of them.
But no kid wants to be like, "Oh, it's three o'clock. I gotta go to the other house now." They want to enjoy their day. No bouncing around between houses because the adults in the conversation feel like it's their right to see their kid. It's not your right when you sign the divorce papers. Sorry, you lost that right.
It's whoever's visitation day it is. The kid just wants to enjoy the day and the whole day. And then you know what? A whole different day, they get to enjoy it all over again. Nobody cares. I'm 47. I can't tell you one time if I celebrated my birthday on my actual birthday as a child. You know what that tells me? It's not important to celebrate on your child's actual day of birth.
Remove The Pressure From The Child
Remove the pressure off the child and just make a plan for your own day. And you don't need to hear from the other parent. "Kiddo, I'm sure you're doing something with your dad. We're doing this. I'm sure there'll be something."
You allow your child to have the best time with that other parent and you don't compare and you have the best time with your child during your time. This is not a race. This is not a competition.
Take the pressure off your kid. Give yourself peace too that you don't have to hit the mark of making it amazing. You don't. Make it powerful in the way that you relate to the child, and that's it. Give yourself some grace that you're not gonna be able to do everything that other parent can do because maybe they have bigger finances. Cool. Awesome for them. You know what I have? Intentionality. I know what size my child is. I know their favorite color. I know that thing that they've been walking around and looking at every single time they've been to Target. I know that special thing.
Anybody can throw the party. But who really knows the special thing your child wants to do or get on their day?
Joint birthday parties sound like a great idea until all is broken loose and you're in World War III with your ex, and now it's written into your parenting plan and you're stuck together and you don't want to. Don't create unnecessary stress or conflict or pressure on your child and just write in that birthdays will be separate during your own parenting time.
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