The Clauses That Look Good on Paper and Blow Up in Real Life

If your parenting plan has vague language in it, your attorney just handed your high-conflict ex a loaded gun and charged you for the bullets.

Vague is not the same as covered. Anything that can be interpreted WILL be interpreted in whatever way screws you over the most that day. In Episode 16, I'm calling out the catch-all clauses attorneys love to bury in parenting plans that sound great in a conference room and blow up completely in real life. The language that makes you feel protected when you sign it and makes your ex's eyes light up the moment they realize how much room they have to work with.

Here's what pisses me off about this: two people who couldn't agree on anything during the marriage, blew through mediation, and spent days in court with a room full of witnesses and professionals. Someone looked at that situation, saw exactly who these two people were, and still handed them a legal document that only functions if they cooperate. That's not a plan. That's a setup. And every single time it breaks down, you're back on the phone with your attorney trying to get someone to explain what your own document means. Every call costs money. Every argument that could have been avoided with one specific sentence in your plan is now an invoice.

The people writing these plans know what they're doing. Whether it's intentional or just lazy, the result is the same: you stay stuck, you stay in conflict, and you keep paying.

I had this exact plan. I lived this exact nightmare. I was the person who kept thinking if I just tried harder, showed up better, stayed more reasonable, eventually my ex would meet me there. They didn't. And the plan we had gave both of us endless room to keep the fight going for years. The only people who came out ahead were the ones billing by the hour.

Get specific. Lock in the decisions now. All of them. Because a plan full of wiggle room is just handing your ex a weapon and calling it a custody agreement. Your kids deserve better than that. And honestly, so do you.

Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

• Vague Language Is a Weapon: In a high-conflict co-parenting situation, any clause that can be interpreted multiple ways will be interpreted in whatever way benefits your ex that day.
• Feel-Good Plans Don't Survive First Contact With a High-Conflict Ex: A parenting plan that reads beautifully and falls apart in practice is not a good plan. It's a liability.
• Specificity Is the Only Real Protection: The more decisions your plan makes upfront, the less you have to fight about later. Dates, times, names, processes, all of it should be written down.
• Going Back to Your Attorney to Define Your Own Plan Is a Failure of the Plan: Paying someone to explain what your legal document means means the document didn't do its job.
• High-Conflict People Will Not Rise to the Occasion: Stop designing your plan around the hope that your ex will eventually do the right thing. Design it around the reality of who they actually are.
• You Deserved a Plan That Actually Works: Not one that made your attorney feel good about wrapping things up and left you holding the mess.

The Truth Bombs

• "A parenting plan that sounds good on paper and falls apart in real life isn't a plan. It's a setup."
• "Two people who couldn't agree on anything during a marriage, during mediation, or in eight days of court are not going to magically agree on what a vague clause means. Stop writing plans that require them to."
• "Every time I had to call my attorney to figure out what my own parenting plan meant, that plan failed me. Full stop."
• "Your ex will find every single inch of wiggle room in that document and drive a truck through it. That's not a prediction. That's a pattern."
• "The goal of your parenting plan should be to make as many decisions as possible right now so you never have to make them again with someone who hates you."
• "I kept trying harder, showing up better, being more reasonable. They didn't change. The plan just gave us more to fight about."
• "Attorneys put language in parenting plans that makes clients feel taken care of. That's not always the same thing as actually being taken care of."
• "Your kids don't need a plan that sounds good in a courtroom. They need a plan that actually works on a Tuesday night when nobody's watching."

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This podcast exists because way too many parents are slogging through divorce quietly and thinking they are the only ones dealing with this mess. You can share your story, ask real questions, or send in topics you want broken down without the fluff. Stories can be shared anonymously, and no, this is not legal advice, but honest conversations are where clarity actually starts.

Samantha Boss: In a very early episode, like the opening episode, we talked about clauses that can be inside of parenting plans that'll really trip you up. Today I'm gonna talk about three specifically that are just little prepositional phrases that really can make you wanna explode with just rage when you're trying to make do with your high conflict ex.

I've read parenting plans galore from attorneys and lawyers, judges, and court systems. The same language shows up over and over again. These phrases that make you feel taken care of when you first read them — when you actually go to apply them and use them, they don't work. And in this post, I am breaking down exactly what is wrong with each one.

"Act in Good Faith" — Whose Good Faith Are We Talking About?

Act in good faith. Okay, act in good faith. Who's good faith? God's good faith? My good faith? Your good faith? The kid's good faith? Normal moral compass good faith? Who's good faith are we acting in?

That is not a measurable phrase to put inside a parenting plan that needed to be created because two people couldn't get along, so you had to put it on paper on how to conduct themselves. And you wanna put a flat line sentence that says act in good faith. What does that mean?

I have my interpretation of what acting in good faith is. When nobody's watching, do what's good, do the right thing. But if my moral compass is different than my ex's moral compass and our background and how we were raised, or how we believe certain things — I don't know how we marry people that have different beliefs, but it happens every single day because they end up getting divorced.

I have couples all the time that tell me one of us is a Republican, one of us is a Democrat. I'm like, how did you get married? How did it not end sooner? I have a couple that was a Christian and the other one was an atheist. If you think divorce is gonna bring you together, you're full of shit. If you think that those two starting points being so polar opposite is not gonna polarize you even further — yes, that's what will happen.

I'm not signing something that says act in good faith. And I don't recommend you sign something that says act in good faith, because it doesn't give any measure.

"Reasonable" — The Word That Makes My Skin Crawl

Reasonable notice. Hmm. Makes my skin crawl. Just reading it for the hundred thousandth time because I've read parenting plans galore from attorneys and lawyers, judges, and court systems that say this. What the fuck does reasonable mean?

There's no enforcement with reasonable. There's no measure with reasonable. My reasonable would be eight o'clock bedtime. Their reasonable would be keep 'em up till midnight, make them be the favorite parent, be loved and liked, and feed 'em full of all kinds of sugar. And the kids love that and they get super excited. We get to stay up late with that parent. We get to eat ice cream with that parent. That's reasonable to that parent because the kids like them now. They love their house now. And then I'm the asshole because I don't let 'em stay up till eight o'clock. But reasonable is eight o'clock. To me, that's reasonable.

Reasonable to call you back — during normal hours. Not three o'clock in the morning or 6am. You'll get me during my business hours, which are my co-parenting hours from eight to four. And once I have the children, I'm off limits because I'm gonna enjoy my children. So this whole concept that we are going to do reasonable is bullshit. That does not happen. Reasonable is not measurable, therefore we cannot do it.

This gets used a lot in holiday schedules. Each party will have a reasonable amount of time with the children. What does that mean? How much time is reasonable? You would have to sit down and go, okay, reasonable means this to me — but I don't know what that means to the other person. So why are we putting it in a parenting plan?

Is your ex right now during this divorce process being any type of reasonable? No. They're making a big deal out of everything, or they're not handling anything and they're ignoring you or they're doing the complete opposite of you.

And it's just one of those things about having to go to your lawyer and say, okay, but what is reasonable? Your attorney may give you an actual answer — this is reasonable, Sam. Okay, but is that what my ex is going to say? No. So I just paid to talk to my attorney about the definition of what reasonable would be and he'll say things like, well, it's typical that most parents do this, this is what other parents do. That's great. Hunky dory, awesome for Larry to tell me that, but I don't know what my ex is going to say or agree to.

So it's kind of a moot point that I even talked to my attorney about what reasonable was because I could take all of that reasonable logic — sounds great between Larry and I — but then when I go apply it to Steve over here, Steve's like, no, I disagree. Absolutely not. That's not reasonable. So then what do I have to do? I have to call my attorney back. And I paid for Larry again. And I have to go back to Steve. And Steve's like, no, that's not reasonable for me either.

How many times am I going back and forth to get reasonable defined? If I know anything about high conflict people, it'll never be defined. And even if we defined it in the even year, in the odd year he's gonna change his mind anyways because that's what high conflict people do.

Steve could be like, yeah, I agree to that now because it benefits me. But the next year when it doesn't, I'm gonna say no to it — because we wrote the word reasonable instead of just saying this is what you get and this is what I get and we call it done. Spade a spade.

Everybody's putting these phrases in thinking that people will step up and do what's right for their kids. Yeah, I would do that too, if it was reciprocated or valued by the other parent. But it's not. And it's bullshit that I'm gonna step up and rise up to the occasion only to be beat down, only to be told I'm dumb, only to be ridiculed in front of my own children for being reasonable.

People that have to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a divorce are not magically going to just poof, start getting along. Nobody wants to spend that hundred thousand dollars on a divorce. Nobody does. And if we're spending that kind of money, you better bet that we don't have sucky phrases like this in our parenting plan. Because reasonable means I'm gonna spend more money talking to Larry to figure out what the fuck is reasonable, when we should have just put what the actual measure was inside the parenting plan.

"Best Interest of the Child" — My Least Favorite Phrase of All Time

The last one, and the one I've already alluded to, which is my least favorite — best interest of the child.

We're gonna throw that in there sporadically. When we talk about joint decision making, we're gonna say parents will jointly agree on all medical decisions and what's the best interest of the child. Okay? Sounds great, Larry. But if we morally think different about vaccinations — I think morally against, they think morally for — how are two polarizing ideas going to come together to write that one down? Best interest of the child would be no vax. Best interest of the child for this parent — vax. How are we gonna do that, Larry?

And it could be something as simple as ear piercing. We don't have to talk extremes like vaccinations, but that is a heavy subject. What about ear piercings? I think it's in the best interest of the child to get their ears pierced. They think it's not. I think it's in the best interest of the child that they get to spend the night with friends. I don't want them having sleepovers. So when we throw people into this joint parenting agreement and tag it with the phrase in the best interest of the child, all you're doing is putting more money back in your pocket, Larry.

I see what you're doing. You're making me have to call you again. And I'm gonna ask you, Larry, what's the best interest of the child for this situation? Well, Sam, this is what past clients have done, this is what other couples do, this is how co-parenting could fall. That's great, Larry. Those are great ideas. But how do I get my ex to know that that's the best interest of the child? Because last time I checked, if I say it, they go against it.

So why not just build a parenting plan that lists out all the best interests of the child and make all of those decisions right now so that we don't have to keep having the same conversation over and over again. Let's just make the decisions now at the starting point so we can stop with this bullshit of calling Larry back 17 times a year to ask the question that should have been dealt with from the beginning inside that parenting plan.

I've Been You. I Lived This Life.

How do I know all this? I've been you. I've lived this life of a shitty parenting plan with these exact phrases. It would make my blood boil thinking that oh yeah, my ex will think the same thing as me. False. False.

My ex-husband and I couldn't have sat down at a Starbucks and figured this shit out. The police would've had to been there within 30 minutes. So our only choice was to call the expensive people again. And to me, they should have just done their job of realizing — man, these people didn't do very well in mediation. These people spent eight days in court spending an ass load of money with a bunch of witnesses. Maybe we should just write down all the decisions for them so they can just stop. Crazy idea.

Instead, we're just gonna put these vague phrases like in the best interest, and reasonable, and act in good faith in there just to make it look like we're trying to get them to work.

If you're new here — I was high conflict. So was my ex. I thought co-parenting was the way to go, which created me to be a high conflict parent, because I was pushing the narrative of co-parenting while he was pushing the narrative of hate Sam. I really wanted to get along with him. It just didn't work for us. Some of you are just never going to get along, and that's nobody's fault. It's just the way it is. But attorneys need to get on board with that instead of giving you these phrases that make you feel taken care of when you first read them.

High Conflict People Don't Think About the Kids. They Think About Winning.

Well, you're supposed to be doing this in the best interest of the child, Steve. And he's like — this IS the best interest of the child. Me keeping them till eight o'clock on a Sunday, because it doesn't say what time I have to bring them back. It just says Sunday. So I'm gonna bring 'em back at eight o'clock. And no, they haven't been bathed and no, they don't have their homework done and I'm gonna forget four things that were in their book bag on Friday and I don't have their lunchbox. Yeah. That's in the best interest. Sure.

High conflict people won't do what is in the best interest because it would be in their mind, helping you.

I wish you would get on the train that I so badly resisted. I let it blow past me every time it went by. I never got on the train for the first eight years. The train of realizing it doesn't matter that it's for the best interest of the kids. It doesn't matter that the kids need something. It doesn't matter that the kids are struggling without it. It doesn't matter that the kids would be thriving if they had it. It doesn't matter about the kids to these type of people.

What matters is — if you think it's a good idea, it's bad. If you bring it up, it's a no. If you want it, it's never gonna happen. That's how their brain works. That's the only thing they see. They don't even see that it could have an ill effect on the kid. They don't care. They're oblivious to the domino effect of their nos, their withholding, their truancy, their going against something. They see it bothering you and they're like, yes, more gas on the fire. Let's go.

They don't hit pause long enough on their own thoughts to go — hmm, damn, that might have an effect on the kid. They don't stop to think about the children. They think, how can I make Sam's life harder. That's their moral compass.

Their hatred for you is more than the love of their children. That is true for a lot of you listening, and it's sad. And then you gotta self-reflect and go, why did I pick such a piece of shit? But you did. And we gotta get over it and we gotta move on. We gotta forgive ourselves.

Stop Signing Plans That Don't Protect You

It was supposed to happen the way it was supposed to happen and you're gonna do something magical with it and your kids are gonna be amazing.

But these phrases — I'm bothered. I'm worried. I would not advise you to sign them.

I'm not your lawyer. I can't give you legal advice. But I hope I've shined some light on why they're problematic. Make the decisions now. All of them. Get specific. Get it in writing. Because a plan full of wiggle room is just handing your ex everything they need to make your life hell, and calling it a custody agreement.