What to Do When Your Ex Refuses to Respond (And You’re Stuck Waiting)
Jun 04, 2026Your ex read it. Four days ago. They're not answering. And you're still waiting.
That's the part that should piss you off. Not their silence. Yours. You're the one rewriting the same message for the third time today. You're the one losing sleep over an inbox that hasn't moved. You're the one walking around bitter and on edge while they sit on their damn couch enjoying the fact that you're falling apart. Their silence is free. Your spiral is doing all the work.
This week I'm ripping into the silent treatment circus and giving you the exact word-for-word script that ends it. The question they can't dodge. The deadline they can't ignore. The "if you don't respond by X, I'm doing Y" language that turns their silence into your permission slip. The follow-through that separates the parents running their own lives from the ones still waiting for permission. Plus why every emotional rant you send in the inbox is a future exhibit for their lawyer, and how to keep it business friendly even when you want to set the OFW server on fire.
I'm also calling out the spiral nobody wants to name. The one where you snap at your kids over toothbrushes because some grown adult won't answer a yes-or-no question. The one where you cuss at strangers in traffic. The one where you're staring at OFW at 11 PM like it owes you money. I lived in that spiral for close to a decade, and your future self is going to grab you by the shoulders and ask "bitch, what the hell were you thinking?"
I get into the four corners of your life and why most divorced parents let the messiest corner ruin the other three. The four corners is the framework that saved my sanity after years of letting one bad inbox day burn down my entire damn week. And I'm sharing receipts. A client whose ex ignored 71 of 73 messages in seven months. She didn't beg. She didn't spiral. She kept moving and documented every silence. When he dragged her to contempt court? The judge ate him alive. Because pattern beats drama every damn time.
Here's the brutal truth nobody else is going to tell you. Your ex isn't going to change. They're not going to wake up Tuesday and start answering. They're not going to apologize for the wasted months. So stop waiting. Their silence isn't the problem anymore. Yours is the only one you can fix.
Get the Parenting Plan Playbook Masterclass — because their silence isn’t the problem anymore, yours is.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:
- Silence Is Strategy - Your ex isn't forgetting to reply, they're hoping you'll panic, give up, or overreact, and any of those outcomes is a win for them.
- Everything In Writing, Always - If it's not documented, it didn't happen, and the parent talking on the phone is the parent losing in court.
- End Every Message With A Clear Question - Vague messages get vague responses (or nothing); a yes/no question with a deadline forces movement or proves the pattern.
- Always State The Consequence - "If I don't hear back by Friday at 5, I'm enrolling the kids" is not unilateral, it's documented notice with three chances to weigh in.
- Follow Through Every Single Time - The deadline only works if you actually do what you said you'd do; bluffs make you look like the unreliable one.
- Use The BIFF Method - Brief. Informative. Friendly. Firm. Cursing them out in writing is a gift to their lawyer.
- The Four Corners Rule - You, your kid, your job, and co-parenting are four corners of one room, and one messy corner shouldn't destroy the other three.
- Pattern Beats Drama In Court - Don't go in saying "he's mean," go in with a documented pattern of 71 ignored messages out of 73, and the judge will do the rest.
The Truth Bombs
- "Your ex isn't ignoring you. They're controlling you."
- "No response is a form of control. Don't fall for it."
- "End with a question. End with a deadline. Say what happens if they don't respond. Then follow through."
- "You can't bluff. You have to say what you're gonna say."
- "Three corners of your life are spotless. Don't let one messy corner destroy the whole damn room."
- "Pattern speaks louder than complaints. Show the pattern."
- "Just because someone comes for you in an inbox doesn't mean you have to respond back to that."
- "Stop pausing your life because someone else can't be bothered to hit reply."
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Samantha Boss: All right. Your ex just refuses to respond. No matter what you do, there's just no response. It is one of the most frustrating parts of co-parenting. You send a message, nothing comes back. No response, no decision, a literal hold on your life or your child's life because they just can't lower themselves to hit reply or respond.
Sound familiar? Well, these are some tips and tricks that are gonna help you establish a better boundary around communication.
Ground Rule: Only Communicate In Writing
First and foremost, ground rule from the get-go. We only communicate in writing. And this is where I see so many of you. First time divorcees, you're fresh at it, you think everything's gonna be amicable and you're texting. Hell, I've seen some people snapping each other and using all of these WhatsApp and all these things. I'm telling you right now, that's gonna spiral out of control quicker than you can get ahold of it.
So please stop talking on the phone, stop talking face to face. And even if you do, I just want you to recap it in writing. All of this verbal communication, it needs to be documented and recorded. I'm not saying go record it because please pay attention to your state rules on third party recording, party to party recording. Know your state rules and regulations around recording yourself and your ex. You've been warned.
But the thing with communication is, I used to pull into my ex's house to drop my kids off and I'd be like, "Hey, da, da, da, da, da, about vacation, you know, this or changing this or whatever." He'd be like, "Hey, I hear you, but can you follow that up with an email?" Sure. And we would put it on an email because that's how old we are that parenting apps did not exist when we got divorced.
But yes, I think that's respectful. I shouldn't expect him to remember in the driveway when he's excited to see the children to go all the way back in and then be able to write down what I said. It's my responsibility to communicate that.
End With A Clear Question
Practical steps when they won't respond is first and foremost, end with a clear question. I know you might have sent a dialogue of information to them and the question was early on, but they're simple folk. Let's be real. So let's not send a vague, like, "Do you think he understood there was a question there? Do you think she'll get back to me?" Specifically, put the question in bold at the end.
"Please confirm that you agree that summer camp is June 10th through the 14th."
You have to end with a question if you want a response. Because here's the thing, if your ex is following me, I'm gonna tell them this. Never respond unless there's a question. That's just banter. That's just information. If you don't end with a question, you're just stating facts and I'm just reading and I don't even have to send back an okay because I can read.
I absorbed and you got the receipt that I got it because we're talking in an app or we're talking an email and you know that I opened it, so it's done. So if you don't clearly put a question and don't put like, "What do you think about camp?" Put a specific question like this one right here. "Can you confirm that you agree about summer camp June 10th through the 14th?" That is very clear and precise.
Always Include A Deadline
Number two, always include a deadline. Now, this isn't you being controlling or too detail oriented. This is business. We're in a business deal. Give a reasonable timeframe. "If you could, please respond back by Friday at 5:00 PM." Especially if this is what your parenting plan says that they're supposed to be doing.
This is stuff that we put inside of our parenting plan because we want consistency with communication. Both parents have to check their parenting app, and a response is due back within so much time, or what's allotted in the request, which is by Friday at 5:00. Put a deadline.
State What Happens If They Don't Respond
State exactly what happens if they don't respond. So here's what I teach my clients. I'm gonna ask my ex something and I'm gonna say, "Hey, please cordially respond by Friday at five, but if I don't hear back from you by then, I will go ahead and enroll them."
Now, most attorneys will say, "Sam, that's you making a unilateral decision." No, it's not, Larry. I asked him a week ago about it. He didn't respond. I asked him again with putting a deadline and he didn't respond. So then I said, "Hey, if you don't respond by Friday at five, here's what I am doing." He's had three opportunities to respond to me about this summer camp.
If he chooses to ignore all three, he knew what I was gonna do. I was gonna enroll him. Notice my first email didn't say, "I'm enrolling the kids in summer camp June 10th through the 14th." I didn't make a statement. That would be me making a unilateral decision. But I've asked him three times and he's a co-parent allegedly who checks his email and is court ordered to by his parenting plan allegedly.
So that's measurable. Those are the details we should be putting in parenting plans, only things that are measurable that I can enforce, not this vague stuff like "check your parenting app," that's not specific enough.
You Have To Follow Through
But here's the deal. You gotta follow through. You can't bluff. You have to say what you're gonna say. So if you say that you're gonna go ahead and enroll them Friday at five, if you don't hear anything, do it.
If they didn't respond, move on. You gave them notice, you gave them time, you gave them opportunity, now it's time to make a decision. And all of that is documented. You'll be able to say, "I reached out a week ago. I reached out on Monday. I reached out on Wednesday and I didn't hear from him by Friday at 5:00. So I went ahead."
Because here's the deal, judges and attorneys, when they write these parenting plans, they don't understand. Kid stuff happens fast. Monday, we get this invite for a camp and we have to have it turned in three days from now. And so we're like, "Hey, can we put the kid in camp?" Why am I just now hearing about this? Because I just got the piece of paper in the book bag today. I'm telling you as fast as I found out.
I'd love to go to schools and coaches and all the extracurricular places and be like, look, divorced families need a little bit more extra time. Could we put a little bit more cushion on this, please? But this is where practical use kicks in. "Judge, there was a three-day turnaround. I had to make a choice. I didn't want our kid to miss out. Worst case, I paid for it. He wants to complain about it so much, fine. Our kid won't do it, but I didn't want to lose the opportunity to do it."
Document The No Response
If your ex is not responding, document the no response. "It seems to me you did not meet the deadline of Friday by five, therefore I went ahead and enrolled the children." That's it. I'm not gonna ask for feedback because we're past the point of feedback now.
But I'm gonna keep record, I'm gonna document it, and I'm gonna track the pattern of, oh, look, every time I ask a question about summer, never responds. Never responds about kids, never responds when there's a deadline.
Use The BIFF Method
The other thing I want you to always remember when communicating with your ex is to use the BIFF method. Brief, informative, friendly, but firm. Again, this is a business deal. Co-parenting is a business that we have to keep that mindset.
How you act at your work is how you act with your ex. You're not gonna go to somebody at work and just start cussing them out at their cubicle. You're not gonna go light somebody up on fire with cuss words at work. So we don't do that to our ex. We're not emotional. We're not giving long explanations and we're not arguing because we're at work. And we got an HR department that would be on us like stink on shit if we did and we'd lose our job.
Well, the same thing is true here. You act like a fool, there's a chance you could lose your co-parenting situation. So don't act a fool. Don't be the one that gives in and starts going all ham in the inbox and sending the messages and being a fool. Because I'm gonna tell you, when you have to sit on the stand and read your own words out loud when you are emotional and responding back, you're gonna be pretty humiliated.
You're gonna have some regret and you're gonna have some hindsight that you wish you would've been more business-like and more professional. Just because someone comes for you in an inbox and a message or an OFW message doesn't mean you have to respond back to that. So keep it business friendly always.
Keep Living Your Life: The Four Corners
The last parts of this, keep living your life. A lot of you in the messages to me, you get so consumed when someone doesn't message you back. You're like, "Yeah, but Sam, everything's paused until I hit a response." No, it's not.
When you're divorced and you have all the piles of things going on, you have four corners that you have to take care of every single day.
Corner one is you. Hygiene, you, making sure you function, gratitude, sleep, food, all the things. Your function.
Number two, your kid. Your kid at your house. Their function, they're eating, they're functioning, all the things. You're in charge.
Box number three is your job. Your job still has to happen. Now, if that job is stay at home mom or stay at home dad, then do that job well. Take care of the home. Take care of the things. Without job, a lot of the other corners will be affected.
Now, the fourth corner is the shit storm. It is the co-parenting journey. That is one corner of the room. And it can be the messiest corner. It can be the corner that has all the dirty clothes, that has all the old food, it has wrappers, it has just probably ants crawling on it. But the other three corners of this room are spotless. Because I take care of myself. And I take care of my child really well. And I got a really good job that I might not like it, but I make some decent money and I work hard when I'm there.
But you don't pause your life because this one corner of co-parenting and your ex is fucking up some things. That's gonna be the place where you just kind of put a chair in front of it and hide it for a little bit. Then when you get home, you gotta move the chair and you gotta tackle that corner a little bit.
Stop Letting Their Silence Spiral You
We can't keep letting the communication or lack thereof control everything. And hear me so clearly and take some self-reflection moments here. Just because your ex doesn't respond back to you in a lickety split, timely managed moment, because that's your expectations of what you would do because you're Johnny on the spot and you respond back in 30 seconds or three minutes or less every time they respond back to you and you're like, "Why can't they respond back to me?"
Because that's not who they are. That's who you are.
But here's what you end up doing when they don't respond back to you. You spiral. You get tense. You get bitchy. You start cutting off people. You're angry in traffic. You're sharp with your kids. You're miserable to be around. All because you can't figure out why your ex isn't communicating back to you.
And I'm gonna tell you from somebody that did that for close to a decade, you are gonna kick yourself so bad later when you come out of that spiral that you will let that one corner disrupt the whole damn week. And when you wake up and realize that was just a corner of your life and you let it sabotage yourself, your kids and your job. Major regret. Major. Huge. You'll wanna fight your former self. You'll be like, "Bitch, what were you thinking?"
But you get all in your feels and emotions because old boy won't respond back to you. Old girl had you on read for like four days. Let that be them. You know your plan. Ask a question, give a deadline, here's what happens if you don't. And move on with grace and knowing. I got it documented. I've asked you three times. You haven't responded. I moved on. Life is moving.
You can't keep letting this chaos of one corner mess you up. A lot of you, me included, was, past tense, not anymore. You get all dysregulated. You get all angry and sharp. And when I say sharp, let's just call it what it is. You're yelling at your kids for no damn good reason because your ex won't respond. And you lose your shit over the smallest things with your kids because you're on edge. Keep life moving. That's one corner. You got other three corners to worry about and worry about them well.
Keep Your Attorney In The Loop
Last one. Keep your attorney in the loop. Now, I'm not saying give them billable hours. But what I'm saying is once a month, biweekly or once a month, here is a clear list, not long-winded, bulleted. Here's a clear list of misresponses, ignored decisions and patterns of behavior. That's it. And I put at the bottom of my email to my attorney, "No reason to respond. This is for documentation purposes only." Means file that. Don't bill me. Don't bill me a response.
Just hold this in case something more comes. That way, if his attorney calls you or her attorney calls you, you can already say, "Oh, no, she asked you this a month ago. You didn't respond."
Silence Is A Form Of Control
So the thing is, no response is a form of control. They're trying to control you. They're hoping that you wait, get frustrated, give up, or the best one, you overreact. You lashing out, you send the message, or God forbid, you say something in front of your children that they find out about. You guys can't cross the street wrong without getting in trouble. And then you lash out. You might as well just give up your kids now because they're gonna come for you.
But that's part of the control game. They're trying to throw you off by not responding. Know what you're gonna do when they don't. That should be on your bingo card. We're not gonna lose our minds. We're not gonna overdo it. We're gonna stay structured and focused.
You don't need their cooperation to move forward. You follow your parenting plan first and foremost, which should have a clear communication paragraph telling you that there are deadlines and that you will move forward if you haven't heard from the other parent. And then you document and you just show up consistently. You follow through when you're supposed to respond. If it's a 24-hour rule, 48 hours, 72 hour, once a week, whatever your parenting plan says. You do right, you're not in contempt, but you have no control over the other side.
Show The Pattern In Court
But what we can't do is go to court every time somebody doesn't respond back to us because we don't have that kind of money. What we will do is put it in the way we ask the question, we give a deadline and we say, "Hey, you don't respond back." Because here's the deal. If they want to take you to court and say, "You can't do that. You made a decision without me," you got three emails and you chose not to respond. And you also got told what will happen if you didn't, and you still didn't respond until weeks later with a contempt. If you were this upset, you should have responded back because you knew what I was gonna do.
And that's what I would tell a judge. "Look, judge, things are coming to me left and right from this school, from these sporting places, and all they keep doing is ignoring me. The pattern here shows that I should start making legal decision making because they don't wanna participate. They think silence is the golden rule. I'm gonna show that pattern. I'm not gonna say I'm better than them. I'm gonna say, look at the pattern that I can show you of ignoring me, ignoring me, ignoring me, not even acknowledging they got a message. Look at this pattern and you think we can co-parent? We can't be on equal playing fields of decision making because this is who I'm dealing with. Somebody that has ignored my messages at a 73 in the last seven months, they've ignored 71."
And I hate to tell you, but that is a true statistic from one of my clients. Because he thought by not responding, that paralyzed her from being able to do anything. She went on and made decisions because I was coaching her. And when it went to contempt and she showed that pattern, a judge was like, "Were you even trying to work with her? What was she supposed to do? Not put the kids in anything forever because you wanted to ignore her for seven months because you were butt hurt about something else?"
I mean, those aren't the true words the judge said, but essentially that's what happened. Because she showed a pattern. She didn't just walk in and say, "He ignores me." She said, "Here's a pattern of how he ignores me and what it's about. When it's him reaching out to me about something, I respond and he has no problem communicating, but if I reach out to him, he ignores. Here's the pattern. That speaks louder than just claiming somebody to be mean or belligerent with something. Show the pattern and it'll work further."
Wrap It Up
Follow these simple tips with communication. First and foremost, get it in writing. Stop verbally talking, but if you do, follow it up. "Hey, we just had a conversation on May 2nd at 2:00 PM in the driveway. Here are the three things that I heard we discussed and agreed on. Please confirm back to me if you heard something different." I ended with a question.
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