Joint legal decision-making sounds fair until it traps you.

And I mean literally paralyzes you. Keeps you stuck for years fighting over a field trip form.

In this episode, I'm breaking down why "joint" is just veto power with a nice name. Why the parent who says no gets all the control. Why you'll spend thousands in court arguing about whether your kid can take tap class on Tuesdays.

I walk you through the exact vague clauses that sound cooperative but become weapons the second you try to use them.

Here's the ugly truth: If your parenting plan doesn't spell out major versus minor decisions, joint will keep you stuck, broke, and fighting.

This is what I wish someone had explained to me before I signed.

Ready to stop the veto power trap?

The Parenting Plan Masterclass shows you how to define major vs. minor decisions, build in tie-breaker options, and eliminate veto power before you sign—so you're not calling Larry every time your ex says no.

Learn how.

Stop guessing. Start protecting yourself.

Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

• Why Joint Sounds Great at First – They sell it as fair, cooperative, and “best for the kids” right up until conflict shows up and the whole thing falls apart.
• Joint Equals Veto Power – When agreement is required, silence, delays, and flat-out refusals turn into control.
• The “Major Decisions” Black Hole – If you don’t define it, everything becomes a fight. Field trips. Therapy. Haircuts. Yes, really.
• Education and Medical Minefields – Normal parenting turns into asking permission for every little thing when your plan is sloppy.
• Extracurricular and Religious Wars – One vague sentence is all it takes to block sports, traditions, and entire communities.
• Why Lawyers Say “Just Sign It” – Ambiguity keeps the meter running and guarantees repeat trips to court.
• How to Protect Yourself – Clearly define major vs minor decisions, build in tiebreakers, and wipe out the gray areas before they blow up.

The Truth Bombs

• “Joint legal decision making sounds fair — until it traps you.”
• “Joint doesn’t mean cooperation. It means veto power.”
• “If it’s not measurable, it’s not enforceable.”
• “Vague language doesn’t protect kids. It protects conflict.”
• “Joint can paralyze you for years and keep you in court.”

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This podcast exists because too many parents are navigating divorce in silence. You’re welcome to share your experience, ask questions, or submit topics you want covered. Stories may be discussed anonymously, and nothing shared here replaces legal advice, but clarity starts with honest conversations.

Samantha Boss: All right. Joint legal decision making sounds fair. Until it traps you, literally traps you. What joint decision making is, is both parties have to come together to make a decision. Now, at first, again, when we are behind the compass and not really understanding it, how to navigate this divorce, we're just starting to figure it out.

We hear joint and we think, awesome. We think this is great for us. This is a good decision. This is fair. This is equal. It only works when both people cooperate, which if you are in high conflict or going to be in high conflict, cooperating is not anywhere close to where you are at or going to have. And so then there comes in control.

Joint Is Veto Power

So what is joint really? Either party can actually veto a decision because you have to agree. So it's going to say, and we're gonna get into the clauses that both parties have to come together and really agree. So joint essentially says you have to come together. And if you don't, that's a veto power. And in the paperwork it says that to move forward you have to come to an agreement.

It's not a suggestion, it's a, you have to. So then we have where silence or a delay in response or just giving no consent comes into the veto power. Any major decision for your child and what most or most plans don't define is what is a joint decision. Now, again, we're gonna go into some actual clauses here in one second, but just think about that real quick.

We're getting divorced and we want joint, or we've been told that joint is the only thing on the table. What that essentially is going to mean is that every major decision. Has to be together. But what is a major decision is the daily stuff I do with my kids. Is that enough for me to just make the call on?

And I know if you're listening, you're probably like, Sam, just use your judgment if you are divorcing somebody of high conflict. My judgment went out the window when I said divorce. My high conflict X won't let me have a judgment. They think I'm dumb and will talk down to me as if I should be doing everything that they say.

So in a matter of speaking, you need to understand that when it says joint high conflict, people are going to try to run the show. When it's convenient for them, it's a yes. And when it's inconvenient for them, it's a no. Every issue becomes a fight. And so when I break it down in the services that I provide for my clients, I break down a list of what is a daily decision and what is a joint decision.

That is a major decision. Meaning what do we have to talk about and what can I just get away with on my own? And when you don't have that distinction, there's problems. But let's break down some clauses, joint authority. If you have this clause in your parenting plan, run, do not sign. Again, not legal advice, just a heavy suggestion from a veteran.

The Clauses You Should Run From

IThe party shall share. Here's that shower again, shall share joint legal decision making authority with respect to here's the broad terms, people, people, education, medical care, mental health treatments, and extracurricular activities. I'm sorry, could we go into some more detail please? Required agreement could say something like this, neither party shall make a unilateral decision regarding major issues affecting the minor child without the consent of the other party affecting, well, maybe I think it affects the child, but they don't think it affects the child, not emergency limits.

All non-emergency medical, psychological, or therapeutic care shall require the mutual agreement of both parties. So let's break these down because that's what we're here to do today. First off, the first one, joint Authority. This one says, we shall share in joint legal decision making of the following, but on when it says education, does it talk about all the subcategories under education?

So everything from that school district, we have to jointly agree upon as a veteran mom who's done this for many decades with a high conflict X, you better hope not because that's every discussion. And everything that comes off that table or outta that book bag or from that email has to be a discussion with your high conflict ex who not only hates you, but wants to ruin your life.

So be thinking about all those medical things, and this is what's really hard for you. Uh, young parents who have young children, you know, the toddlers you don't really know for yet. Now my kids are grown. They're, they're the adults and I have, I'm restarting with my second family of little boys, so I'm going through all this educational stuff again, so it's all fresh.

How Everyday Parenting Becomes a Fight

But there's so many little things that you think, yeah, I can sign that field trip form. Yeah, I can sign them up for hot lunch. Yeah, I can put them in a little program. I don't know. Can you, it all depends on what your parenting plan says. Medical care. Let's really think about that. Can I take my kid for the sniffles now that it's flu and cold season, or do I have to have permission?

Am I doing vaccinations, am I not? Again, some of these are very obvious what is major, but what if I just feel like I wanna give a little Tylenol or some Motrin for a little headache or some aches and pains, or maybe they went to the dentist and they have a toothache. Am I allowed to do that? It depends on what your parenting plan says.

So when you just have a vague statement like, Hey, we both have to agree on their mental health treatment. Does that mean just therapy? Does that mean a big brother, big sister program? Does that mean hey, I can let them talk to the person at school that offers it free for everybody. Extracurriculars, I'm just gonna tell you now, is one of the biggest arguments known to man right next to therapy and money for divorcees.

Do we put the child in this? Do we not put the child in this? And when it says just extracurricular, and that's all it says, guys, that's all it's, it's a one sentence wonder. I wonder what it means when it just says, just extracurricular. Are we talking about a tap class on a Tuesday? That's just my, my Tuesday's the only day that I have her and, and I wanna put her in a tap class.

Does it mean the travel sport that is 11 months out of the year and costs thousands of dollars? I think there's a big difference between a Tuesday night tap class cost me $25 versus a travel sport that cost me $20,000. Which one are we having to jointly agree and I'm, I'm just gonna say this now, if you're somebody listening to this and you're like, Sam, both, we are not the same and we're not dealing with the same type of evil this podcast is for high conflict environments.

Everything I just mentioned on here is a fight with high conflict people, and it sounds so basic, a field trip form. I'm telling you right now, for those of you that know what I'm talking about, just laugh. Laugh at this now. Right? The first time you signed a field trip form and sent it back and they found out.

How fast did you get that phone call emailed, text or threat? Was it the day of the field trip? Was it the next morning? And on on an email with the teacher also on it. How dare you sign a field trip form? Okay. Our kids in fourth grade, we've been signing them. Whoever gets to it first, I got to it. It's not like we're not gonna let the kid go on the field trip.

We've always let them go on a field trip, but just because I gave permission and signed and sent the $4, now I'm the worst parent in the world. For those of you that don't understand this, just get ready. I would rather you be sitting there and be overly prepared and be ready for this shit than to be blindsided like a lot of us.

When that happened and you're like, is this a joke? Am I getting punked? Are you really upset about a signature on a field trip form and the fourth grade, I've been signing 'em for four years, and the answer is yes, they are that upset. Required agreement. Let's go over this one again. Unilateral decision, meaning you can't make a decision without the other one's permission, but it doesn't say over what the major or the minor, but it does say if it's issues affecting the child.

Is getting your ears pierced, affecting the child? I don't know. It's a, it's a, it's a decision at your house. It may be a yes at this house, it may be a no. Do you see why there needs to be distinction in detail? So you have to make sure when you read these sentences, you don't read them with your rose colored glasses, and you go, oh, see right there, nobody can make a decision without me.

Reverse that. You can't make a decision without them. They will say no over the dumbest, silliest, you've been doing it for years stuff. But if they can tie it into it affects the child, they can say no to it, which is the veto power with joint, this non emergent limit. You know, you may think like, okay, if it's not an emergency, I have to get permission.

That's what this is saying. So you can't go get your kid help and, and I'm sorry if you're dealing with high conflict. The ugly truth of it is you are going to need your child to have some other person to talk to besides you and your high conflict. X. Your child needs to have a third party listening, validating, empathizing, being a support staff person.

It can't just be all you all the time and your high conflict acts. Oh, that's a hell no. So the details matter in joint that you protect your piece of making it so crystal clear, taking the time. My masterclass goes through every detail possible that you need to know what is the difference between minor and major and let's build that list.

Let's build that list so that I can clearly go, okay. A decision has come up. Let's see, is it a minor And I have the, go ahead. 'cause I can make unilateral decisions over here for minor, or is it a major? And I do have to ask permission. I wanna know the difference because if I don't, the only thing I have left to do is to work with my ex.

Ugh. Or call my attorney. Cha ching. Cha ching. So I don't wanna do either one of those things. So why Note, I don't know, Larry, we write the best damn plan we can to eliminate any kind of possibility of having to question when do we have to work together and when do we not? To me, this sounds so fucking simple.

When do I have to work with them and when do I not not leave it up for this vague bullshit. All educational shit, all medical stuff, all health treatment, all extracurricular. They forgot one on this one. All religious stuff. So if I wanna take my kids to the Christmas lights, singing songs at my church, I have to ask permission.

'cause it's religious because it just says religious is a major decision. Religion is a major. That's all it says. So by me taking my kid into church, did I violate the order because I unilaterally made that decision? And I'm telling you right now, I have clients whose exes that's a yes. They don't want them going to that church or temple.

They're against that church. They're against that temple. They don't like that one, heaven forbid. No, you can't go to that one. But they have joint, so they have veto power. So now you can't take your kid to a church you grew up at and you move back home because your ex says no, because they don't like that.

It's in your hometown. We have to be careful when we're signing these things that we're allowing all of this vague wording. To paralyze us into, we get to do nothing. We get to do nothing. Everybody thinks join is great. I don't. I absolutely don't. I think it's horrible. I think it's a money pit. I think it's an emotionally and psychologically draining on one, if not both parents, but definitely your fucking kids.

I think joint is a cop out. I think judges have totally escaped responsibility of making the choice on who is. Good and who is bad. So I can't fathom anybody that would read that sentence and say, both parties must agree on all major decisions regarding medical, educational, extracurricular, religion, and be like, yeah, sounds good.

But we sign it because we don't understand what that means yet. 'cause we haven't used it yet. We're signing and agreeing that, yeah, that sounds like a good plan, but we haven't used it yet. That's where I want you to understand what joint in your paperwork. You gotta make sure you are well versed and educated about what does it mean for you and your state where you're located to make sure that you can make those decisions.

I'm gonna take it a step further, and this is what the parenting plan that we custom build for people does. We go ahead and make all of those decisions because we know the world is stuck on joint right now, and hopefully it goes back to one parent being the decision maker. The world is stuck on joint.

So if joint is something that's in your future, consider us building your parenting plan. 'cause here's why. We go through and make the decision about all the we. We talk about vaccinations, we talk about the field trips, we talk about medical treatment, we talk about therapy, we talk about braces, we talk about glasses because why?

I would rather there be a decision now in writing on paper. I know I have a 1-year-old, I'm gonna plan out their whole life. The last thing I wanna do though, if I don't plan it out, is work with my attorney for the next 18 years, or work with my ex for the next 18 years. So that's what I wanna do. Now, again, if you don't have joint in your agreement and you for sure think that you're gonna get sole decision making, go buy 10 lottery tickets and pass 'em out.

What To Do Instead of Joint Chaos

'Cause you're lucky. But where the world is, a lot of people are getting stuck in joint. So what would I do instead of joint? First off, I would narrow down specifically what is joint. Okay. I would have a clear definition of major and minor. Clearly. I would also have in there what happens if we do disagree?

What happens? Are we paralyzed and just nothing happens, and it's a constant veto, a constant, you get to say no, and I have to just suck it up and deal with it. Or is there steps, meaning maybe somebody's tiebreaker. Love that. I love that. I would rather even, this is like a bizarre, I'm throwing, I'm spit balling ideas here.

I, this is what I'd rather have than you spend fucking an asshole of money in court every fucking two months going back over a major decision. I would rather somebody be tiebreaker in odd years and somebody else be in even years. I'd rather somebody be odd years or be education decision tiebreaker.

Extracurricular tiebreaker. Then the other person gets medical and religion. Split up the four categories again, we have education, extracurricular, medical, and religion. There's four. You get two. I get two tiebreaker. If we ever get to a crossroads where we can't agree, you get the decision and I'm good with that.

I would rather have them make a bad decision outside of medical and just fuck it. It it, it's a decision at least versus this limbo of like, let's go back to court. Let's drop down a car payment on just hiring and, and just spending all this money over decisions that could have been made so many fucking months and years ago in the divorce process, but we were blind and deaf because maybe you weren't following me yet.

Now, I'm not gonna lie, attorneys hate my guts. Larry's all over the world come for me daily and, and I'm good with it. I'm rattling the cage. I wanna educate you guys on what it is your signing, 'cause this is your paperwork. When I got my four pages in the early two thousands, again, I thought it was liquid fucking gold till I went and used it.

And then I realized it was worthless because of the may and shall and all these fucking words, like we're talking in tongues. Just tell me what I'm supposed to do and what I'm not supposed to do. Like, can we just write it like that? So that's how my team does it so like a third grader can understand it.

I need you to understand what you sign with. Joint can paralyze you for years and keep you in court for years. So take the time. Don't let them rush you. Don't let them go into this whole, like, Sam, everybody gets joint. Just sign it. It's joint. It's joint. What does that mean? When am I having, how and how do we talk?

Okay. Let's say there is something you need to bring up. Is there any language in there about how to bring this stuff up? I want you to understand that joint language gives a power, just unequal inequality. The power is shifted to whoever just has no problem being a dick or an asshole or a bitch and saying no to things that they know deep down this kid wants to do or should be doing or needs.

But because you are the one that brought it up, it's a no, it's a no. And so when it comes into joint parenting. The next thing we gotta really think about is our parenting time. So in the next episode, we're gonna dive into parenting time detailed traps that are written into parenting plans by Larry's and court systems and mediators that just get parents to fail left and right, and lose their children, lose time with their children, lose the ability to go on vacations, lose the ability to go to holidays because the parenting plan didn't protect them.