"Reasonable parenting time" sounds flexible and mature. Until you try to enforce it.

What's reasonable? Every day? Every other weekend? Wednesday dinners? Your ex thinks one thing. You think another. And when you can't agree, you're either spending thousands going back to court or letting your ex control when you see your kids.

In this episode, I'm breaking down why "reasonable" is the laziest, most dangerous clause in parenting plans, and why it's so fucking easy to fix.

I walk through the vague garbage clauses courts love to use, why flexibility fails in high-conflict situations, and what actually works: start times, end times, every single minute accounted for from Sunday to Sunday.

Because if your parenting plan doesn't clearly define when you have your kids, you can't build a relationship with them. And in high-conflict situations, vague language means your ex runs the show.

This is the hill to die on: time with your children.

Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

• "Reasonable" is not measurable - You can't enforce what isn't specific. Ten people will give you ten different definitions of "reasonable parenting time."
• Vague language creates war, not flexibility - In high-conflict situations, whoever refuses to cooperate gets control when nothing is defined.
• Every minute should be accounted for - From Sunday to Sunday, you should know exactly who has the child at any given moment based on the parenting plan.
• Undefined holidays and vacation = guaranteed conflict - "Parties will alternate holidays" means nothing. Define every specific holiday, every vacation rule, every blackout date.
• Flexibility fails in high-conflict situations - You crack the window an inch, they take the whole thing. Without specific boundaries, "flexible" becomes "your ex controls everything."
  
• Flexibility fails in high-conflict situations - You crack the window an inch, they take the whole thing. Without specific boundaries, "flexible" becomes "your ex controls everything."
• Time with your kids is the hill to die on - You can't build a relationship if you don't have clearly defined time. This is the one thing worth fighting for in your parenting plan.
• This is the easiest clause to fix - Time is time. Sunday through Saturday. 24 hours a day. There's no excuse for leaving it vague.
• Courts want callback potential - Vague language guarantees future legal fees. A detailed plan means you never need to call your attorney again. 

The Truth Bombs

• “Reasonable is not measurable. Ask 10 people what it means, you'll get 10 different answers."
• "Flexibility fails in high-conflict situations. You crack the window an inch, they take the whole thing."
• "The parenting plan IS a contract. Tell me when I have them, when I drop them off. It's super simple."
• "Write your plan so clearly that when crisis hits, you can pull it off the shelf and say 'here's what we're doing Christmas morning.'"
• "Every minute, Sunday to Sunday, should be accounted for. Tuesday at 2:35 PM? I know exactly who has the child."
• "If I don't have my kids, am I even being a parent? I can't build a relationship if time isn't clearly defined."
• "Would Nike and Tiger Woods have a contract that says 'show up when you want, we'll pay as we see fit'? Fuck no."
• "Vague language doesn't protect kids. It protects conflict and lines Larry's pocketbook."

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This podcast exists because way too many parents are slogging through divorce quietly and thinking they are the only ones dealing with this mess. You can share your story, ask real questions, or send in topics you want broken down without the fluff. Stories can be shared anonymously, and no, this is not legal advice, but honest conversations are where clarity actually starts.

Samantha Boss: When it comes to parenting time, I think this is one of those in your parenting plan that you should spend the most time right next to the joint section, spending valuable amount of assets, paying attention to time, paying attention to asking friends, really researching this because this essentially is your make or break with your child.

This is your time with the child. Is your parenting time. So this paragraph, hopefully whole page with a chart, is very explicit, you know, but I think one of the things of saying reasonable parenting time being a clause and a lot of parenting plans is just garbage. What isn't about a reasonable time? I mean, I think reasonable would be every day, right?

“Reasonable Parenting Time” is Failing You

If I'm being, you know, funny, my co-parent may think, you know, they want every day, well, now we're not being reasonable because we both want the same thing. And so this clause of reasonable parenting time. Doesn't help us. So we're gonna break down the clauses today along with the ones that you do not want.

And I'm gonna give you some tips and tricks on if those clauses are being forced down your throat on things that you can change the wording to and hopefully ask for. So when it comes to reasonable, I think what the attorneys and judges and everybody partaking in the billion dollar industry is trying to get us to do is to be flexible.

That sounds fucking great. Sounds so mature. Let's all be flexible for our kids. Let's reduce the conflict and everybody just kumbaya this shit and let's work together and be flexible. But I can't do that when there's no rules around what am I following? What are the timeframes that I have my kids? There can't be flexibility here when someone doesn't like me and doesn't respect me.

Reasonable Is Not Measurable

So it's an absolute illusion that we are going to give each other reasonable time because reasonable is not measurable. Lemme say it again. Reasonable is not measurable. You ask 10 people, how much time should each parent get? With a reasonable schedule, you're gonna get 10, if not seven, at least different answers.

One parent will end up controlling that situation because again, it's joint. We have to come together on what is reasonable. Therefore, one parent's gonna rule it. The other parent is either gonna have to want, and I know I sound like a beaten record here, but gonna have to spend money to go back to court or let their ex run their life.

That's what happens when you don't have details. And this one of all the podcasts I'm gonna do, I'm just gonna tell you, this one's the fucking easiest to fix, the easiest, but let's break down some of the clauses that I have read in parenting plans that make me want to throw up. And if it's in yours. We need to fix it.

The “Reasonable Parenting Time” Clause

All right. Reasonable time. The non-custodial parent shall have reasonable parenting time with the minor child, period. Period. That's all it says. That's all it says. So in this scenario of this quoted clause, one parent does have dominant time and the other parent doesn't. The non-custodial parent possibly.

It just says reasonable parenting time. What does that mean? If I say, Hey, let's just do a heterosexual couple. I'm Sam, the other parent is Steve. If I say, Hey, Steve, reasonable to me would be Wednesday for dinner, Friday, Saturday, bring him back on Sunday at five. That's reasonable to me because I'm the primary parent.

Steve may say no. I think reasonable would be Wednesday and Thursday, and then Friday, Saturday sleepover on Sunday. Well, what? no. See, the judge said, I am the dominant parent. I, I'm the primary parent. You are the non-custodial parent. So you get less time than me. Not clearly defined though in this sentence that's not clearly defined.

And so now we're talking about words that don't exist because I had an interpretation of what I think reasonable is, and I saw the words noncustodial parents, so I'm thinking, okay, I got primary time. They have minimal time. Less than me. So again, this isn't about how you feel. This is about what does it fucking say?

What are the words that are on the paper? What does it say? And right here it says vague, vague, vague, vague, and more vague. Bullshit. This shall have reasonable parenting time with the minor child. Reasonable is not measurable as agreed. Next one, as agreed. Parenting time shall occur at times and dates as mutually agreed upon by parties.

“As Mutually Agreed” Creates War

I mean, if you can see me right now, I'm like, oh, parenting time shall occur at times and dates mutually agreed upon. Here's the fucking question of the hour. Why can't we just pick those now as we are already in the process of spending thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of fucking dollars? Why are we leaving something that's supposed to be a contract?

The parenting plan is a contract. Why are we leaving the detail of time and dates off the table in a contract? I know why? Because they want one of two things to happen. They wanna call back and by they, I mean, Larry, the lawyer wants a callback ring ring. Larry, we can't come to an agreement on what time he should pick up on Wednesday.

Oh, hold the phone here, Sam. Let me call Steve's attorney real quick and we'll talk to Steve's attorney. Yeah, I'm gonna have to charge you for this phone call and I'm gonna have to Charge you to call to Steve's attorney and then we're gonna have to charge you when I call back and give that answer.

Cha ching. Cha ching. Just to find out what time we were supposed to pick the kids up on Wednesday when this shit could have been figured out. Oh fuck. I don't know. During the process of fucking divorce, and again, I'm raising my voice and I apologize if there's kids present, probably best never to listen to me out loud.

Always have earbuds in. You have to have time and dates when you don't do time and dates. It's war. It's war on who can win the argument. And you know what happens? Like look at me right now, I'm getting heated. I'm pissed off. I'm like, I'm sweating because this was mine. And what happens is I'm all like this and I'm texting my ex, or I'm typing and or I'm calling What you shouldn't do, which we'll get into in the communication episode.

But I'm getting all heated, right? My voice is getting raised. I'm getting all clammy. My heart rate is up. I'm dysregulated. And you know what? I still have to do the rest of the night while I'm arguing with my ex, while we're having a discussion about what time to pick up on Wednesday and we can't come to an agreement and we keep going back and forth and we keep raising our voices and we keep sending messages.

You know who's there? Your kids. Your kids are sitting there watching your body language. They might not hear any messages. But they can feel you. They can sense you, they can pick up on your aura, and that's me being conservative with my reactions. How many of you have an ex that is not conservative with their responses back and forth between you and talks out loud or shares said messages with your children?

How dare your other mother or your mother or your father think they can talk this way to me. Can you believe he's trying to take this time for me? Can you believe she did this right to your children? So this vagueness Larry and every judge that follows me and every attorney that follows me does nothing but yes.

Line your pocketbooks back 'cause I have to call your ass back. But it also fucks with my kids. And that's what pisses me off. And that's why I share what I share and that's why I'm here. And that's why I'm just dropping knowledge left and right to you guys because this one is so fucking easy to fix.

Tell me when I have 'em, tell me when I drop 'em off, tell me what days. Tell me what days I don't have them. It's super fucking simple. So you're telling me you spent all that money at law school, all that money going to college and you can't write a basic contract that should have detail. I put the example of this, I put Tiger Woods and, Nike.

Parenting Plans Are Contracts, Not Guesswork

That may show how old I am, and maybe I need to come up with a new analogy, but it's fresh in my head right now. Do you think Tiger Woods or Nike Matter would ever allow those two to have a contract that says, you know, we want Tiger to do our commercials. You know, he can wear as many shirts as he wants every year.

He can wear whatever color and hell, like, he can show up when he wants. Then tiger on the other end's, like, you know what? Let 'em pay me how they see fit as long as we mutually agree. Do you think that contract would read like that between Nike and Tiger Woods back in the day when he was the prime at his time?

Fuck no, because it's a contract and that's what you're signing. Otherwise, why do we sign it? Why does a judge sign it? Why do we notarize it and why do we file it? It's just a handshake agreement. Then let's go to town, boys, let's leave it vague and we can duke it out in the parking lot about what time you pick the kids up.

But I'm getting out, off the subject. cause this is infuriating. 'cause this is so fucking simple to fix. So fucking simple. Here's the last one that I've seen. Oh. The party shall maintain a flexible parenting time schedule based on the needs of the children. Well, when the children are with me, they need a seven 30 bedtime, but when they're with my ex, they might not go to bed at 10 30, so he may think that he can keep them till 9 30, 10 o'clock.

Do you see how that, putting that in there, the court system tried to act all sly and smooth on the best interests of the minor children. Just define it, Larry. Just tell us what time we start and what time we end. It's that simple. But these, these three these are just three. I've read thousands of shitty statements around parenting time.

And parenting time is literally one of the easiest fucking things to write down in detail because time is time. It's Sunday through Saturday. It's 24 hours account for every moment of the day and work good. How do we leave this up for interpretation? It's fucking time. Let's go on. Holidays and vacation traps that I read in these parenting plans.

Undefined holidays. What? Which, I'll make a whole episode about that, but leaving the holiday section, just saying both parties will alternate holidays. Okay. What holidays are we really low on? Ink on our HP printer that we can't fucking take a moment to actually put some detail down about what fucking holidays is there that many.

Are we doing federal? Are we doing them all? Are we doing fucking donut day? I don't know, but just tell me so I can plan, right? Being able to take a vacation with a high conflict parent. If your parenting plan is wrote with these clauses, good luck because it doesn't say what time you get your children on a vacation day.

Heaven forbid you have a special occasion or anything like that, and you wanna go on a vacation for it. You have to make sure that you look at this parenting plan from your glasses, but put on your ex's glasses because your ex is reading this thing going okay. Well, I know she always goes on a trip with her family over the 4th of July, so I'm going to fuck her there.

Okay. It looks like Mother's Day weekend is on my weekend, so I'm gonna fuck her there. And that's how they go through this parenting plan. And if you don't think so, then you're new. Hi, I'm Sam. I deal with high conflict. Just you wait, the train will arrive and pick you up later. But the other thing is why not fucking just prepare?

Every Minute Must Be Accounted For

Because here's the deal, and I know I'm like sweating. I'm getting so mad. The deal is this. I want your parenting plan written so fucking clearly that your time is protected with the utmost detail. And if you and Steve are getting along and it's rainbows and unicorns and kumbaya, and you got matching fucking shirts and you still do fucking dinners together, great take said parenting plan, put it on the shelf and do whatever the fuck you wanna do.

But in that moment of crisis that you and Steve have. You can pull that sumo bitch off the shelf, open it up, crack it open and say, here's what we're doing Christmas morning, because it says it in black and white and we both signed it. This protects you. And when Larry's leave it out, they're just fucking you.

That's the, that is the ugliest truth about it. And I know everybody's like, why are you gonna cuss so much? Because this was my life for 20 years was this shit. Of presumption and assumption and oh, I think it says, oh, it might, oh, shall you owe this? Oh, that. And it's like, my interpretation was not his. I read it this way.

He read it that way. I read in black and white, he read in gray. And it was constant chaos. Constant chaos. So get the detail, because the other problem is, oh, well what if we try to swap time? How do you make up time and swap back? When it's all reasonable. Well, we don't even have a set schedule, so how are we even swapping?

Again, you may have a situation where you and your ex can be like, Hey, the work schedule looks like this, this week. And hey, she's in three sports this week, so heavy on you this week. Heavy on me next week. Great, kumbaya. Mm, love it. Go buy some lottery tickets. Spread 'em around. But here's the deal.

It's not for everybody. And eventually mark my words, when a third party gets involved, meaning you move on with a third party and you're happy and successful, and or X moves on and is happy and successful, you'll become high conflict. It is a fucking unicorn story for there to be four parties involved and everybody be blissful.

And if you're listening, hi. But this page isn't for you. This page is for high conflict. This page is for when someone hates your guts and wants you not here anymore. So why do court systems do this? I think we've covered it. They love the vagueness because they think, again, maybe they are dumb and maybe they presume everybody's the kumbaya story and maybe they presume everybody can co-parent.

On the upheaval of personality disorders and mental health crisis and nobody dealing with their childhood trauma, good fucking luck. That's not everybody. So we need to have clarity on my parenting. It's the one valuable thing you have. You know, people ask me all the time, they've asked me for years, Sam, what's the hills to die on detail around your parenting time?

'Cause if I don't have my kids, then am I even being a parent? I can't build a relationship with my children if I don't have them. And if it's not clearly defined of when I have them, then I can't build a relationship. Therefore, I will lose my children because high conflict people will run the show on that.

I have to make sure that that is a hill I will die on and I don't let any of my clients mess it up. I want you to take Sunday through Saturday, every single minute of that time span, Sunday to Sunday. Every single minute, Sunday to Sunday should be accounted for in that parenting plan, I should be able to go, mm, a Tuesday at 2 35 in the afternoon, boom, look at that parenting plan and know exactly who that child is with based on the parenting plan.

I could say the 13th weekend of 2027, who's the child with? Boom. I can account for that inside that parenting plan. This isn't rocket science. I have a master's degree, but that's it. I figured it out. I'm a mom who went and got certified, took a class, and I'm like, I know more from my experience than I do the class, but I digress.

I have the class, I have the certification. Great. Glorious, but this is some common sense bullshit. Write it down, get it in writing. But your standard plans will say crap, like I said before, well, reasonable time. Well mutually agree. We ain't doing that. That is not this. I'm not training you to do that.

Absolutely not. So what actually works, start time, end times, like I said, every single minute. Accounted for holidays, every single holiday that you wanna include account for. And again, we'll break a whole episode down into the holidays, but you have to make sure you are putting that detail in because Larry wants you to call him back because I don't know if you know this, but Larry could charge extra over the holiday time.

You're having a crisis over Christmas. Give me a call. Sam, I just want you to know I'm working outside of the office 'cause I'm with my family. I'm gonna have to charge you a little extra to get this answered for you. Okay Larry, thanks for that. Thanks for that. So as we get through this, I want you to understand flexibility.

Flexibility is a failure in conflict. You can't be flexible with high conflict people because you crack that window open just a snitch. They're like, woo. Whole window's open. Let's go. I'm taking full advantage now. She cracked it. That's her fault. She cracked it. That's how they think, which is so hard for those of us that are not like that.

You know, sometimes we're just just fucking grateful they cracked the window. I am just grateful that they gave me an extra hour. Fuck, where they're like, oh, you're gonna gimme an hour? No, I need three. So I'll bring 'em back at three instead of noon. What? No, no. I, just gave you till 12. I didn't give you till three.

Yeah, but I want three. You already gave an hour. So what's, a couple more? that's how high conflict people work. So if your parenting plan does not protect you from parents like that, you're getting fucked. And I feel like I end every episode like that. It's all the more reason to either take my masterclass or have my parenting plan be built by us so that you are protected, because I don't want you ruining the one thing that's most valuable to you.

The hill that you always die on is time with your children. So you need to make sure that you understand. Every minute of every day should be accounted for of when your child is with someone. Now, if you have one of these clauses, like I mentioned above, that are just garbage. The next thing we're gonna get into in the next episode is communication, which means if you have one of those clauses, you're most likely roped into the idea that you are gonna have to communicate with your ex.

How do we do that? What does it look like? What are the rules? What can I ask for? How can I get that in my parenting plan? We're gonna go over the most common clauses and parenting plans around communication in the next episode.